Internal Gazing

Just something I felt the need to write about.

I have no idea how to explain it to myself. It just doesn't make sense. It should make sense; it may even want itself to be understood; if human create our own futures; if our own selves are emergent fictions of unconscious cognitive processes; so what? Does life losing meaning; does the projected narrative, the story told, not mean anything? Or is it so much more exciting now that we know that we, humankind, are the author? Powered by who knows what; but were there driving it; actively involved in it.

And yet she know. How? Or what? Or why? And yet I'm following it; so instinctively and preternaturally, I am going towards it; going to find it. It amazes me more that she seen the essence in me that wanted it; to want to be "it" - whatever that is. And yet she saw images, a picture; a probable future. How?

Why should the world be established that way; why should future realities - or probabilities of realities - impinge upon a human consciousness and make itself willed to be known; to another person; to become a piece of information in their life? It is not the event that was knowable that astonishes me; but the spirit; the desire; the image of myself as that. Which amazes me.

That the experiencing mind can shape who it becomes is an ontologically significant fact; powered by love, we go forward and find ourselves; we make ourselves as we get a whiff of who he will be - and are - in the present.

But still, I want it and it seems to be natural to want it. So? Is the ontological present - the emergent properties of human experience, not be treated as things to be considered? The almighty question: is there a God? A Creator? Someone who made me; these things; these perceptual realities we encounter; is this to be taken as evolutionary happenstance? Does the prospect of a multiverse with infinite possibilities in parallel realities depress me? Or is this reality - this life - still ontologically meaningful; still contain the same meaning and possibility for meaning as it had 5000 years ago.

However reality exists; in a physical sense; in a neurbiological sense; in a cognitive psychological sense; or in a reflective, psychoanalytical, and existential sense, we are left with one very interesting fact: the human life, the human story; and how we want to live it and whether we want to celebrate it.

If night and day are before us; if we choose how the story unfolds - because we have grown so self-consciously aware of how we are, in the different sciences, of mind, body, environment and physics - shouldn't we choose day? Wouldn't this be the epic culmination of historical prophecy?

So minds see outward - far out - futures impinge upon a present; a present that is somehow entrained to a probable future. Take it in, the future says; the present mind receives and feels an urge and need to share it with the person it is about. Standing right before him. The information is then taken in anew and interacts with his self and attentional systems; brooded over from time to time; but affectively, somewhere deep in him, the future beckons him, calling out through guttural tones, beating through his veins as he contemplates his present. Being led towards a future that seems uniquely his yet strangely belonging to all; to the universe; to all of humanity and what it contains. Cosmic, whole, compassionate. Yet impersonal.

We emerge and we go through this horrible history. Death, pestilence, pain, agony, antagonism, anger, hatred, trauma and more trauma. Life is a pain that is remedied by moments of pleasure and relief. Relationship and connection brings us a pervasive peace. Yet we devalue it. Life stresses and animal aggressions draw us out to be rotten and mean, divisive and scheming. We become so rigid to these ways that we build kingdoms and feel good about what we've built; we fetishize the objects of our thoughts; ignoring the process that created it, fully identified, fully alive to the thrill of ownership; yet unbelievably deluded; totally ignorant of the conditions of his existence.

But some clearer minds types were awakened. The observer grew strong and they felt and formed a metaphysics for themselves; positing ontological "its" that they felt a strong attachment towards. A god; a goddess. God eventually came around and a more etheral, non-verbal but equally posited as existing "out there", the buddha, the Tao, the earth; a spirit or reality that we and all reality flows towards. We feel drawn to it; we taste of its brilliance by experiencing its meaning, ricocheting within as cosmic perceptions and linear investigations. Seeing something "deep" and ineffable, and building it back up, in thought, with memory traces, trying to approximate, in some linear way, what was seen.

Building and structuring; not a waste, but a way to represent in time the godliness inherent in being human. God in time; cosmos in time. Or just a marvelous creature with a god-like perception of hows and whats.

Meaning is everywhere. Did evolution construct us to construct it? Just for this? For living?

Doesn't being human have within it, the crux of existence? The hub; a self reflection existing. Surrounded by other creatures ignorant. Does the relationship this fact creates in my mind not matter? Silly - or  perhaps - do I make it meaningful by feeling the wonder of it? That impingement that self reflections educe.

A silly creature; a mere hominid, latest product of evolution on planet earth.

Yet amazing enough to build space ships to rise above it.

Reviews

[Sami Khalil]

" Life is a pain that is remedied by moments of pleasure and relief. Relationship and connection brings us a pervasive peace. Yet we devalue it."

A strong write, sir...Thank you for sharing...:).........................