Trauma

Can you imagine it? No. Its my experience, not yours.

You do not know and you can never know

Unless you too have experienced it

I don’t mean to sound rude

My body shudders and quakes in just thinking about it

I lose all control, something deep inside expands like a shockwave

And I feel swallowed up by it; picture a guy getting blown to bits by an IED

I can’t think; can only feel; and its cold-like. Experientially I feel a chillness in the air

It feels as if I’ve unconsciously tightened up; my body feels like liquid iron is flowing in me

I can only freeze; it is the freeze response. The one that fight & flight turn to when the end has come; no place else to go. Just freeze. Take it in. Whatever it is. Block the sensation of it from my mind. Endogenous anaesthetics: opiates, coursing through my neurons. Adrenalin packed " and held! " within my veins. How can I get away? From this. From this!

And ahead of me and around me nothing seems sensible. I am blocked: my mind cannot think. It thinks, quickly. On the spot, no time to cogitate and rationally consider options: just now! Get away from the animal chasing you! My brain, the brains evolutionary hard drive. I responded too strongly. I couldn’t get away from it. It wouldn’t stop.

But now it replays again and again and it when it strikes; I can’t find me; dissociated, lost in it all. No thinking. Just feeling. Scared? Shame. A deep and annihilating shame. It breaks me apart. I can only absorb it all, absorb the imagined hatred; absorb the vile world around me.

Somewhere inside lies a mind, an awareness, an observer, who observes and objects and suffers it all. Suffers it and knows that it is identifying with it. But it " my self " does not want to be that. It doesn’t " can’t take " the power of it. My life: my reality. The world passes through this bodily filter; scarred neurons genetically programmed to repeat protein:trauma.

Yet this blankness, this me. This nothingness. With the power to create somethingness. Mysterious. Impossible to understand. To try to govern it, with concepts and lines. It evades all attention. It happens, in a sort of unawareness. Yet an awareness: a deep, deep f*****g awareness. It penetrates into the world, and chooses. It chooses: its feels its agency. An agency, it seems…that transcends all and any impediments.

To become aware of this, deeply, is to take reality of the world: and hold it within your attention. My thoughts, feelings, horrible, horrible sensations. Eating away at my soul; hurting me, and wanting me to see reality through this morbid smog, of unwanted pain; from a time in my life that overwhelmed me; my body; my unique human mind. My human mind. Human.

Why should any human have to suffer such pain in life? Why should any human being treat another, with anger; hatred; sadism. It reflects an ignorance! A horrible, consuming ignorance! Look at yourself. At your mind. At the objects of your thought. And the contexts of your experience. Information, information: hitting a mind: an observer. I and the Other.  Deeper yet, I is an other. Were divided inside, and the guy you experience yourself to be, who you suffer with, is the “other”. So who is the I? The true, inner I. Seems nonlocal. Seems transcendent. Seems as if each of us, humans, and even all creatures and reality in general, exists within a general non-duality. We mix and mingle in a way deeper than time.

Remind yourself. Remind yourself of what you need to do: remember this. This mind; this source. The you beyond you; reminding yourself, that something like this objectively exists " in your mind, but also beyond it.

The body remembers: it bears the burden. It holds the scars. And the scar, psychologically, is the self I experience myself to be. In shame. Pain. A nothingness hoping for abnegation.

Let go of that perception. Feel the body. Connect with the moments. No think: Just sense. No Concepts or Ideas: Just feeling. And let the moments fade; the bad, to the good. The good to the bad. Just be. With all of them: own them all. It is you.

It is all of us.

Reviews

[Ink Seductress]

Scars can bear shame but they also weave a story that we ourselves have no words to describe... This piece of writing really made me view my perception on my life and it really made me reflect and think. It was a refreshing piece, i enjoyed being able to uncover a truth that was buried.

[GreenEyes]

My best friend suffered a trauma and now has PTSD. It's heartbreaking to watch what he goes through. This is a great story filled with such raw emotion. I loved it.

[AprilRN1210]

you do self reflection, thoughts, emotions, and human psychology quite well.. I have noticed this in your writes I have had the pleasure of reading.. you take the concepts, break them down into their purest form, explain them with such exquisite detail, and make it to where they are easy to relate to... you expand these ideas into the spirituality of all of us and make us think... so here we are, forced to think, images captured beautifully, emotions smacking us with each skillfully stroke of your pen, and then you take our soul and manipulate it to where we are experiencing what you have expressed... this exhibits and requires some pretty impressive skill, and it is the reason I am quickly becoming a fan.. you are REAL, at times raw, and honest... amazing write as usual :)

[Mike Defreitas]

That was a really nice compliment. Thankyou!

[AprilRN1210]

it was my pleasure, honestly.. I meant every word. you are more than welcome:)

[Frontier]

Oh my god......this is pretty incredible... :O I am surprised how much I relate to this...this is so raw and accurate. The ending is really beautiful.