Warm

The thoughts which pour through - which nag me, call me, seduce me: go. Go! Take it. Take it for yourself. You deserve this. This experience. This core of humanity. But I can't. I can't go fully into it. But I do - And I don't. And I am submerged in a state of waffling, tackling nothing but indulging in the root and leaf of desire. 

Destiny foretold in the happenings of the present. Life separates into a cacophony of possibilities, juggling through my mind, different feelings - thoughts - perceptions trickle into the future nows. And each now a link in a chain of existence that finds itself - and its state - in those unrecognized choices. 

I try to distance myself from it. Stroking. Observing. Languishing in the sultry connivance of my imagination. Seeing them. Wanting them. The colors; the length, the beauty. I am lost in it all. I am losing myself in it all; and a future path lies ahead in this way of being. Sordid. Crass. Spoiled. 

Quietude. The greatness and smallness linking together. The separation and ordering of the universe - self and cosmos, together as one.

Restraint a way of seeing; of framing whats "out there" to be seen. But the seeing leads to being. To an awareness of being; and the process embodies a stop and go; pulse and dip; gyrus and sulcus. Knowing life means embodying it's processes. The Yin and Yang dichotomy nevertheless contained in a wider paradox of probability - indetermination - of what is and isn't, a restraint to contain, to make things clearer: yet a knowing. An audacious knowing. Yet persuasive in it's silence: it's clear discrimination and matter of fact lucidity. I am tempted to call this wisdom. A knowing that emerges from a detailed mapping and a sincere desire for truth.

The shower ends, the tap turned off. I run off to my room to save my life- my destiny: the future that my deepest self aspires to create.