Response

I know what you must be thinking. How. How does he live this way. I couldn't live this. To be away from people all the time. What do you do? How do you do it?

Well, fortunately, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about this. And frankly, I'm not even sure I could think of it the way you think of it. It's as if you know something I don't know. And you look at me and nothing feels worse to you than knowing that I live as I do. No friends. No parties. No hanging out in the summer by the pool or chasing girls at the beach. Woah! you must be thinking. What a horrible life, and in a sense, thats true. 

It's a very subtle sort of life. Those feelings you have at the beach, working another person, keeping an eye on them and waiting for them to pass you by and feeling "I can talk to her". You don't just feel it, but you know it. Your mind is shaped by it's being there, no if's ands or buts about it. She passes you, and then you go into motion. "Hey, whats up?" She responds all happily, "nothing". And you both look at each other and one side is happy and excited and the other side is feeling the same. And they probably can't wait for it to progress to something more but between here and there there lies the game, the emotion, the feelings and the build up to the sacking. 

Those type of emotions exist for me mostly in my mind. I feel them and can infer them and even vicariously, in my imagination, I could be that person or the one responding. And inside I feel some sort of cognate for it, probably not the real-time experience of it, but a plausible facsimile based on my own experiences of self worth and value. 

Yes? That sounds horrible to you? In a sense. Even though I struggle from where I am, I can definitely see how exciting and addictive and enjoyable that sort of life is. The emotions. The fun. The sense of insertion into something else, and other, and you can freely play with it and do with it as you will. The world, as they say, is your playground.

Even though I haven't had much of it, life can be surprisingly versatile and the mind can find thins to be happy with. To take satisfaction in. But it is of a sutble and nuanced nature. The knowledge that a neighbour next door is coming home from the hospital where she and her children sat with their son and brother, happy that his scoliosis surgery has gone well, and his father boasts, "hes taller now," even though his son is severely autistic. They're from Turkey. Muslims. But the heart and love of the family. Contemplating this, there's a good energy about them. 

Just observing and watching for what is can be terribly awe-inspiring. And I suppose I wouldn't have this particular vantage point were it not for my struggles to feel safe around other people. 

This is valuable. There is something other-worldly, even, about it. To relate and connect with other people is its own spiritual experience. But to see things from the larger system-side of things. And to feel such a compassion, such a love for what is and what could be. There's a peace in that. And a deep barreling feeling of gratitude to life for having chastened and shaved me from the fold of man. 

I intend to get better, of course. But right now I am enjoying the music. The latin music of the car that just flew by me. Far off, the voices of children at play with one another. Each of us. Each person, each life, a story that tells something of their past, their parents, their history. And most of all, about all of us. Our state of mutual interdependence, bundled into a fabric hidden by the restless and mindless ego, but there, magnificent in it's stateliness. Just watching the world, all at once, and hearing all this. You can comprehend the paradox of life.

Reviews

[escherflight]

You create and maintain your narrator's sense of dislocation so well throughout, excellent use of contrast. At some points, I wondered if the narrator was some sort of artificial intelligence, until 'I intend to get better, of course' which made me think it was more a metal health issue? Powerful sense of observation.

[Lesley]

I was reading through the story expecting to find out why the character's life is so different. I was wondering if he physically injured? Agoraphobic? Or some other mental or physical issue that causes him 'to live this way'. I felt a little let down when it didn't come together in the end. Tell me more about why he/you struggle to be around people.
I also found there were some places that the short sentences (one or two words) might work well to be joined with a coma. Like the first one, instead of the choppiness it might flow better, "I know what you must be thinking, how does this guy live like that? Because you are writing in the first person it was a little confusing that you also used first person for the person having an opinion about the way you live.
I want to know more about the way he lives and why since that seems to be the point of the story. I apologize if I am missing the point. ??
These just some thoughts I had about the story. If you do make any changes please send me a message and let me know because I wouldn't be interested in reading it. It feels like there is good story and message in there.