FINALLY PEACE

For a long time I have had such a void in my heart. An empty space that seemed to not get filled. A longing in my heart to be able to hold my two oldest kids that I love so dear. Yes Amber and I have Seth, Chris, and Madysun, and I love and hold them dear to my heart also, but it's a void to know that I have two other kids Josh and Mikayla that I wan not able to see, didn't know how they were, didn't know if they even remembered me.  And Friday was my first time seeing them for about three or four years.  Not being able to hold them kiss them goodnight tuck them into bed.

 

When you have kids that due to a nasty divorce that your ex-spouce don't let you see them it breaks a man down.  He may not look like he's breaking down but it's an internal breakdown. A breakdown in the heart.  It leaves a bitter void inside your heart that nothing seems to be able to fill.  I have never lost a child to death and don't want to, but I honestly feel that I would rather loose one to death than to never be able to see them or to know how they are doing.  I say this because if they would die you know where they are and who they are with, you may not be able to hold them.  But to have gone through what I have been through, to know the kind of lifestyle that their mom lives, knowing that she just leaves them with this person and that person while she goes out and parties, and not be able to be in their lives, hoping and praying that you would see them at a store somewhere just to be able to see them then to be let down because they wouldn't remember you.

When I first went to pick them up, they didn't want to go with me. They were scared. They were scared because they didn't really know me or remember much about me. And yes it broke my heart. And even though I am crying while typing this I can say that after they got here they knew that I still loved them.  We had fun, so much fun. And they do not want to go back.  My boy Josh asked me today , Daddy do I have to go back to mom's tomorrow? cause I don't want to.

And when he said that to me it felt so good.

I feel so peacful in my heart tonight a peace that I haven't felt in a very very long time.

Author's Note

READ MY POEM CRIES IN THE NIGHT AFTER READING THIS AND YOU WILL SEE WHY I WROTE THAT. AND THIS WRITING AND THIS WEEKEND IS PROOF THAT GOD DOES ANSWER THOSE MIDNIGHT PRAYERS AND HEARS YOUR CRIES IN THE NIGHT.

Reviews

[flaneur]

"praying that you would see them at a store somewhere just to be able to see them"

I've had the same thought before, but my weekend visits are random due to paramedic clinicals, and will get back on track in six months or so. As I was growing up, I had an absentee father in another state who wanted nothing to do with me. You, my friend, are still trying to do the right thing. There is a huge difference.

It's hard when they are young, because they are controlled by the custodial parent, but as they get older their ability to take initiative and contact you weakens that control. (I see my kids more than I used to because they are pre-teens now and request to see me.)

You should save writing like this in a special place for them to read when they get older. Learning that you were trying so hard to see them will chip away at that natural adolescent resentment, and will encourage them to understand how much you love them and reciprocate. One thing teenagers understand well is the feeling of being held back from something you want.

Great writing is borne from suffering. Nobody who bares their soul suffers alone. Thanks for sharing these intimate thoughts.

"And I let it all out to find / That I'm not the only person with these things in mind." - Linkin Park, Somewhere I Belong

[Amber Watson]

Great writing honey. I didnt' read this yet. If I did read it I just didn't leave a review. It was so much fun those three days. The kids really did enjoy being with us and I know neither one of them wanted to go back home. In time things will change. We have to stay faithful to God and show him that he is in control and it's on all in his hands. God is great! And Greatly to be praised! Love ya~

[AK]

The difference that will mean the most to them for the rest of their lives is that you care about them and love them. That is growing more and more uncommon nowadays.
Continue loving them, continue caring for them, and most important... never stop praying for them.
And, as painful as it is for you now, be thankful God has not taken them home yet. It's selfish I know... but the agony of never seeing them at all as they grow up could rip your very soul apart.
They're in good hands (His and yours). Hold them up and thank God for keeping them safe and allowing you to participate in their lives, even if it's only occasionally. Thank you for sharing this here.

[shadadakiya]

that was do heart felt wow your a great person Michael and a great dad everything will work it's self out just hold on to your faith and everything is going to be great ok. great write thank you for sharing that .hugs