A Journey

Isaac was staring at the rough, flaky ceiling of his dorm room when the alarm went off at 7:15 AM.  Isaac didn’t react, did not even flinch.  Isaac let the alarm ring until the alarm turned off at 7:20.

There was a knock at his door, a loud one that would’ve woken Isaac up if he’d been asleep.  “Isaac, we’re gonna be late, c’mon!” said the voice from behind the door.  His friend, David.  Isaac smirked and rolled over, letting his face sink into the pillow.  He squeezed his eyes shut and willed himself back to sleep, away.

Isaac woke and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.  He was disoriented, his dreams meshing with reality for a brief while.  He shook his long black hair off his brow and looked down at the clock.  4:27 PM.  Isaac stared, deliberating with himself.  Dinner was at five.  With an annoyed grunt, Isaac rolled off his bed and stumbled into the bathroom.

17 minutes later, Isaac was read for dinner.  He was dressed, at least.  He sat at his desk, staring into nothing, waiting the 16 minutes before he pushed himself off his chair and out the door.

Isaac knew he was hungry, but nothing in the meager cafeteria sounded appetizing.  With a sigh, Isaac turned out of the main course line and over to the cereal bar.  All the cereal was stale, he knew, but stale meant there wasn’t much taste anyway.  He chose a small bowl of corn pops, not bothering with milk, and walked toward a lonely table.  He threw his tray on the table and started nibbling at the cereal with his fingers.  He should’ve gotten a drink.  He sighed and decided it wasn’t worth the effort.  He kept his head down and nibbled away.  A couple minutes later, he heard someone shout his name.  He lifted his head slightly, acknowledging whoever has said his name.  He couldn’t really place the voice.  Just then, the chairs to his right and left scraped against the tile of the cafeteria and two trays were set down on the table.  Isaac lifted his head.  David and Matt, two friends, looked at him with eager eyes. 

“Missed you at classes today, Isaac!” said David, “I even came to your room to wake you up, but you didn’t answer.  Were you asleep?”

“Sort of,” Isaac answered quietly.  David and Matt exchanged looks.

“You… do realize you might lose your scholarship if you don’t show up to class, right, Isaac?” asked Matt cautiously.

“Yep,” Isaac stated.  There was a short pause.

“Have you talked to Kylee lately?” David asked.

“Why would I talk to her now?” asked Isaac, suddenly defensive.

“I was just wondering!” David said “Don’t get your panties in a bun!”  Isaac snorted and rose from the table, leaving his tray with his two friends.  Neither David nor Matt dared to call Isaac back.

 

                Isaac was back in his room, logged on to facebook, stalled, staring at his homepage.  He didn’t read the updates; the prissy updates where people tried to convince others that they were happy, that they led a normal life.  Isaac couldn’t understand; how do people post this nonsense everyone could so easily see through?

 

                Isaac checked Kylee’s facebook page again.  It hadn’t changed since he last checked, which was all of 7 minutes ago.  Isaac kept telling himself ‘7 minutes is quite awhile.  I’m not desperate, just curious!’  Isaac sighed.  What’s wrong with me? He looked at her relationship status.  Single.  Isaac stared at that word for a long time, thinking of the ramifications that word took with it.  He was not hers anymore.  She didn’t want him.  She had finally realized she could do better.  Slowly, but surely, tears welled in Isaac’s eyes.  He sat, silently crying into his lap, for the rest of the night. 

 

                Isaac finally crawled into bed at 3:34 AM.  He didn’t bother changing into pajamas.

 

                His dreams haunted him again.  He could never escape her, she was with him everywhere.  No matter when Isaac’s imagination took him while he was asleep, she was always there.  Her face always burned within his brain and behind his eyelids.

 

                The alarm rang again.  7:15.  Isaac jumped out of his dream and twitched awake.  The alarm rang in his ears.  He rubbed sleep out of his eyes.  He chuckled in desperation.  “Get out of my head!” he exclaimed to himself.  The knock at the door came again.  David’s voice rang through the door, as if he was in the room with Isaac.

                “Isaac!  You have to come to class today!”

                “I feel sick.” Isaac stated.

                “No, you don’t!  Isaac!  C’mon, get up!”

                “I’m not coming, David!”  Isaac rolled on his stomach.

                “Yes, you are!  Isaac, c’mon!  Now!  Isaac!”  Isaac never answered. 

 

                Another knock came at the door, much later.  Isaac slowly came to, then rolled out of bed and opened the door, trying to flatten his hair as he went.  There was a nervous looking student at the door.

                “What?” asked Isaac sleepily.

                “Hey, yeah, uh… I’m from the Young Democrat’s Association… There’s this party tonight for the entire school tonight, it’s a pizza party and everything!  Anyways, I was told to ask you if you wanted to come…”

                “No, thank you.” Isaac slammed the door.

               

                Isaac’s phone vibrated.  He looked at the caller ID.  David.

                “Hello?” Isaac answered dully.

                “Isaac, come down to the party right now!  It’s really fun, man, I swear!” said David over the blaring noise.

                “David, you know how I am about parties…  I’m not coming down.” Isaac said.

                “Yes, you are, Isaac, get down here right now, or I’m coming up there to get you!” David said. “There’s really cute girls down here I want to introduce you to!” Isaac sighed.

                “I’ll be right down.”

 

                Isaac took his time getting ready.  He was in no rush to get down to the stupid party.  Isaac hated dancing, he hated loud music, and he still had a headache from his dream the night before.  He had been running.  From her.  Again.  But she never left, she was always right behind him, not allowing him to outrun her.  Isaac finally made his way out of the door and into the hallway.  He could smell easy mac from one of the rooms.  Tears welled up in his eyes and he ran the rest of the way to the party.

 

                Isaac searched the crowd in the overcrowded common area for David.  He needed someone familiar in this sea of unknown.  Blaring lights flashed in his eyes and all he could hear was the bass throbbing through him.  Isaac, lost, wandered over to the drink bar and grabbed a can of Mountain Dew from the cooler on the ground.  Isaac popped open the lid and sipped, shying over to a wall.

                “Isaac!” David’s voice shouted over the booming dance music.  Isaac spotted David not far away, surrounded by a crowd of girls.  Isaac nervously walked the distance between them and tried to smile in greeting, but it came across as a grimace.

                “Isaac! Finally, I thought you’d ditched me again!” Isaac laughed once in response. “Isaac, these are the friends I was telling you about!  Introduce yourself!” David laughed.  Isaac shifted his weight nervously, then shook his head and motioned toward the door.

                “I’ll be right back” he shouted.  He turned and walked out the door before David could call him back. 

 

                Isaac was in a small courtyard of sorts, a garden that connected all the dorm buildings together.  He threw the can of Mountain Dew into a bush.  I didn’t taste good anyway.  He closed his eyes and inhaled a big, chilled breath and let the cold air whirl intricate paths through his throat and lungs.

                “Loud in there, huh?” a voice asked.  Isaac exhaled quickly and turned toward the noise.  A girl was perched on a small stone wall, pale flowers springing up behind her like a picture frame.  She was very pretty.  Isaac laughed nervously and said:

                “You startled me.”

                “Really? I didn’t notice,” she winked.  Isaac breathed in again.

                “Yeah, yeah, it is.  Really loud.  It’s really loud in there.”

                “Yeah,” she agreed “I don’t even know why I came tonight..”

                “Me neither.  I wasn’t planning on it, my friend inside… Well, I was just being stupid, I guess.”

                “Sounds like my friend.  She told me I need to be more ‘social’, so I came, but I really hate parties like this.”

                “Really?” Isaac asked nervously “Why?”  She looked at him.

                “I don’t know.  I guess… I guess I just like peace.  I don’t like chaos and I don’t like losing control over myself.  I don’t know, it kinda sounds silly now that I say it out loud.”

                “No, no, you don’t.  That’s exactly the reason I don’t like parties either.”  She smiled

                “What’s your name?”

                “Isaac.”

                “Well, nice to meet you, Isaac, I’m Alex.” Isaac smiled.  Alex really was pretty.  And nice, too, striking up a conversation with a total stranger.  One that probably looked like he was on the verge of killing himself, no less.  Isaac looked into her eyes.  They were a deep blue, the color of the ocean.  Just like Kylee’s.  Isaac’s stomach curled into a knot, he could hardly breathe.  A look of concern crossed Alex’s face.  Her browed crinkled just like Kylee’s did.  Isaac could feel the tears welling up again.

                “Is everything alright?” she asked, true concern voicing itself.

                “I have to go.” Isaac sputtered.  It was all he could manage.  Isaac walked away as quickly as his feet could take him and straight through the door that lead to his room.  Tears now gushed from his eyes as he pushed his way through his door.  He flung himself on his bed, nausea rising within him.

                “Why?” he questioned the empty, black room.

 

                Isaac didn’t bother to set his alarm that night.  If David came to the door, he didn’t hear it.  Isaac stayed wrapped in his bed, cocooned with himself, shielding out the world, embarrassed from the tears that flowed constantly from his eyes.

 

                He woke up at an unimportant time, squinting against the blinding light that flooded through his windows and blinds.  Isaac shakily shuffled toward the window and stared out into the scenery beyond.  Out the window he could see the small town of Rock Springs, Wyoming.  It was completely blanketed in snow, a result from the early autumn storms.  Billowing winds blew everything light enough through the air, never settling, never ceasing.  The snow mixed with dirt and washed itself over the small outlines of buildings in the distance.  Snow reflected the light straight into Isaac’s eyes.  It made them sore, so Isaac averted his gaze back into his dirty, stinky room.  Isaac sighed and rolled back onto his bed and stared at the ceiling again.  The ceiling was cast full of shadows, dancing over the white of the ceiling in intricate pattern less ways.  Isaac sighed and closed his eyes.  Kylee’s dazzling face popped into his view.  He knew her face better than his own.  She laughed, a sweet, full laugh that made the corners of Isaac’s mouth perk.  Isaac could feel the ache in his heart again.  The ache he knew all too well.  The ache that lived with him since he had heard those fatal words: “I want a break, Isaac.”  She spoke them even as he thought of them.  Isaac remembered the first time he had seen her, about a half a year ago now.  Easy Mac.  He laughed even as tears welled in his eyes again.  God, he was losing it again.  He choked and sobbed.  His entire body ached, there was so much pressure in his eyes he couldn’t relieve it.  But he couldn’t cry.  His eyes were dry.

 

                There was a loud knock at his door.  He ignored it.  The knock came again.  Isaac groaned and pulled himself off his bed, shuffling to the door.  David’s face greeted him as the door swung inward.  Kind disbelief crossed his face.

                “Isaac, you look like hell,” he stated.  Isaac grunted and rolled his eyes, going to slam the door in David’s face.  David put his foot out, locking his eyes with Isaac’s.

                “No, Isaac, you’re not running from me anymore.” David let himself in and closed the door behind him.  David crossed to the bed and sat down, looking back at Isaac still standing at the door.

                “Isaac.  I can’t let you destroy yourself like this.  You’re dying, man.”  Isaac didn’t respond, knowing  all too well David was right.

                “Isaac.  I know it’s hard, ok?  I’ve been there.  I’m not trying to be numb to your feelings.  But Isaac, you need to get over Kylee.” Isaac laughed sarcastically.

                “Oh, really, David.  And how would you expect me to do that?”

                “I know you cared about her man.  I really do.  But she’s nothing, dude.  A stupid girl.”

                “…I know,” said Isaac, “I keep telling myself that every day.  Doesn’t help.”

“You’re better than this.  You deserve more than this, this… shell of an existence.  I need you to think, Isaac.  What do you really want?”

“Kylee,” he said automatically.  David sighed and looked into his lap.

“The thing is, you don’t need-“

“Yes, I do.” Stated Isaac.  David looked up at Isaac, seeing the burn in his eyes.  Isaac continued.

“I need Kylee, David.  I do.  I’m not me without her.  I know you and the world would try and say otherwise, but Kylee completes me.  She was my girlfriend, but she was so much more.  She was my best friend, David.  I could talk to her about anything and knew I wouldn’t be judged. I knew I had a true friend in her.  She did so much for me.  And now, she’s gone.  I gave her my heart, David.  She still has it.  I can never get it back.”  David was silent for a long while.  His brow was scrunched.  Then he smiled.

“Well, maybe we should go get it.”

 

Three hours later, David and Isaac pulled up to Kylee’s house.  The wind blew dying leaves around the house, and the tree in the front yard swayed under the strain.  Isaac gasped nervously.

“Are you ready, Isaac?” asked David with a nervous tone.

“No,” answered Isaac, “but I want to, and I guess that’s all I need.”

“Take your time” David said.  Isaac crawled out of the car and shut the door behind him.  He inhaled, taking in the familiar smells.  Blueberries from the bush that grew just outside her front door.  Some kind of chicken being cooked inside.  The smell of cats.  All the smells combined in his nose and shot down his throat, sending his reminiscing  stomach tumbling.  He exhaled.  Letting everything go.  And slowly walked toward the front door.

 

Four knocks in a slow, funeralistic rhythm.  That was the “secret knock,” as they called it, so they knew whether or not to throw themselves on whoever was at the door.  He heard some confused shuffling, and the door opened.  Kylee was standing there in a t-shirt and sweats, looking as if she just woke up.  Her eyes and cheeks lit with embarrassment as she exclaimed:

“Isaac! What… what the hell are you doing here?”  He shrugged.

“Well, to be honest, I’m not exactly sure, but I was wondering if we could talk?” 

“I just barely woke up, I look horrible.”
“It’s not like I haven’t seen you in sweats before,” Isaac said quietly.

“Yeah, yeah, come on in.”

 

                The door banged closed behind them.  It seemed to ring through Isaac’s ears.  Kylee motioned to the sofa in the front room and they both sat down, awkwardly, making sure not to touch each other on the way down.  There was a small pause, then Kylee cleared her throat:

                “To be honest, Isaac, I was just expecting a phone call.”

                “Sorry to disappoint.”

                “Well.  This is your idea.  What’s up, Isaac?”  They sat in silence for a while, each staring at the glass coffee table laying in front of them.

                “Kylee,” Isaac began.  “It’s been 5 months and 19 days since you broke up with me, and yet… I still feel attached to you.  I can’t explain why, but I do.  So…  I think what I really need to hear, and something you never really told me… Is why did you break up with me?”   She held silent, as if she had gone into some meditative state.  She scratched the back of her hand and exhaled loudly. 

                “Isaac, are you sure you want to know?  I mean, the only thing it’s going to do is hurt.”  Isaac laughed:

                “At least hurting is feeling something.  That’s the problem, I don’t know what to be feeling right now, so I’ve just been completely… numb.  Please.  I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t wanna hear the answer.”  Kylee nodded.

                “The truth is, Isaac… I’m not completely sure why.  I just… fell out of love with you, you know?  I mean, you’re an amazing guy, and you treated me right, and my parents absolutely love you… Isaac, it’s not about something you did or even who you are, I just don’t… We’re not meant for each other.  Plain and simple.”  Isaac sat staring off into space.  Kylee shifted nervously, nudging him.

                “What are you thinking about?”  Isaac cleared his throat.

                “If we’re not meant to be together, why do I feel like this?  Why do I feel… not whole when I’m away from you?” 

                “Because, Isaac, we ARE connected in a very strong way.  I cried for at least an hour after I called you and said I wanted a break.”

                “Then why did you break up with me?” Isaac said, turning  toward her, “Why would you make yourself feel so bad when you can have everything that makes you happy?  I was willing to marry you, Kylee.  I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.”

                “But when you really think about it, you don’t!” Kylee answered, “think about it, you’re studying musical theater up at school right now.  You want to be an actor so bad you’ll do anything in your power to get it.  You’re going to go places, Isaac, you have the drive and the talent.  And as much as I may love you, I couldn’t stand to take away your dreams from you.”
                “But we could make it work, we’ve always talked-“

                “Isaac, I don’t want to go to New York and wait for you to find work.  I’m sorry.  I want to stay here, in Salt Lake, and have a normal stable life.  I want to be able to raise kids, and you couldn’t be around to raise them if you do broadway.  You just can’t.”

                “I will give that all up to be with you, you know that.  You’re the only dream I have now.”

                “That’s unfair, Isaac.  To me and yourself.  First, you’d  be cutting yourself off from all the dreams you have, and you’d be so disappointed.  And how do you think I’d feel?  I’d feel so bad for taking those dreams from you.”  Isaac paused. 

                “Fulfilling those dreams means nothing without you there to share them.”

                “You may think that now, but you’ll see, soon, that that’s not true.  I’m just a stupid girl, Isaac.  You will be so much happier with someone that has the same dreams you do and can help you achieve them.  Love is a journey, and we’re just at the end of ours.”  Isaac buried his face in his hands and cried, loud.  Kylee hesitated, then put her hand on his back and scratched it gently.

                “I’m sorry, Isaac.  I never ever wanted to hurt you.”  Isaac looked up, eyes red.

                “If our journey’s finished, I can’t see another path out there.”

                “That’s because you haven’t looked for it.  Trust me, you’ll find one easier than you think.”

 

                “What happened?” asked David as Isaac got back into his car.

                “Um… Nothing really.  But… I feel better.  Not good, necessarily, but better.”

 

                Isaac looked down at his cell phone.  David was calling.

                “Hello?” Isaac asked.

                “Dude, there is a party over here in the Wind River common area, and it’s freakin’ insane!  Get down here right now!”

                “You know we have a final tomorrow, right?”

                “Shut up, get down here!”  Isaac laughed and closed his phone.  He had been on facebook, staring once again at Kylee’s profile.  The words taunted him.

                Kylee is in a relationship.

                Isaac closed his laptop and looked outside.  The dark street was completely void of cars or lights.  Isaac’s breathing drew clouds on the glass.  He sighed

                “Where’s my path, Kylee?”

 

                Ten minutes later he was at the Wind River common area.  It was dark and bassy in the crowded hot room.  Isaac saw David in the middle of the dance floor, completely immersed in the directionless sea of people.  Isaac smiled and ducked around the room, heading for the courtyard.  The breeze felt warm for that time of year.  Isaac looked up into the stars, and smiled.

                “You look a lot better, you know,” said a voice.  Isaac jumped and looked around.  Sitting on a bench was the same girl from the previous party.

                “Jeez, you have a way of startling me! Alex, right?” laughed Isaac.  She smiled.

                “I get that a lot.  And, yeah, Alex. You do look better since we last saw each other.”

                “Oh, well, I guess you can only go up from where I was before.”  She laughed.

                “Oh, come on, you didn’t look terrible last time, you just looked… very tired.  But I’m glad you’re doing better.  I see you still come to parties but don’t participate.”

                “Yeah, you know me all too well… But I did realize exactly why I hated dancing.”

                “Really?  Do tell!”

                “I hate dancing because you seem… completely lost on the floor.  You lose control of yourself and you just… spiral with everyone else out there.”

                “Huh.  Excellent point, Isaac.”

                “Hey, you remembered my name!”

                “Of course I did!  We’re practically best friends, aren’t we?”

                “True!  We’ve hung out two times now, that’s more than I can say for pretty much everyone at this school!” Alex smiled.

                “Well why don’t we make it three times?  I have to go and study now, but… maybe we could get together tomorrow and, I don’t know, eat some easy mac?”  Isaac’s smiled dropped from his face.
                “Oh, I’m so sorry,” she said “I didn’t mean to offend you or whatever.”  Isaac looked up at her.

                “No, no, you didn’t offend me, it’s just… Me and my ex, we were cooking easy mac one time, and she got the cheese and blew it…” he trailed off and looked into the party, seeing David still on the floor.  He looked back at Alex, her brow scrunched just like Kylee’s.  He could hear Kylee’s voice in his head: “Love is a journey.  You’ll find love easier than you think.” Isaac looked into Alex’s eyes.

                “You know what?  It doesn’t matter.  Easy mac sounds awesome.  Could I get your number so I can find you after school tomorrow?”  Alex smiled and rattled off her number.

                “Awesome,” she said, “well then I’ll see you tomorrow.”  She left Isaac in the courtyard with the breeze tickling his face.  His phone felt heavy in his hands.  He looked down, then got an idea.  Seconds later he was on the phone with Kylee.

                “Hello?” she asked.

                “Hi, Kylee, how are you?”

                “Good, good, Isaac, how are you?”

                “Good.  Listen… Kylee… Thank you.”

                “For what, Isaac?”

                “For loving me.  For giving me some of the best memories I’ll ever have.  And for giving me the strength to carry on without you.”

                “So, you’ve found your path, then?”

                “I don’t know.  Maybe.  But at least I’m ready for it when it comes now.”  There was a pause, then a sniffle.

                “Isaac, why do I feel so alone when I hear you say that?”  Isaac was taken aback.

                “This was your idea.  And your advice.”

                “I know, Isaac, it’s just… I miss you.”  Isaac looked out at the street on the courtyard.  This one, although still carless, was perfect lit in an orange glow.

                “I miss you too.  But I think we’ll meet again.  I think every path we ever embark on ultimately leads to one place.  Happiness.”

                “My journey doesn’t mean anything without you.”

                “That’s because you haven’t found the right path yet.  Your real journey hasn’t begun.”

 

                Isaac hung up.  Him and Kylee had talked for twenty minutes.  The orange glow of the street washed into Isaac’s eyes and made him turn away, back toward the party.  The party was just about over, the lights were back on an there were people talking or leaving the building.  Isaac slipped back through the room and out the other door, not bothering to find David.

 

                Isaac’s alarm started going off at 7:15.  He was already dressed.  His laptop was closed and his bed was made.  He was out the door by 7:20.

 

Reviews

[Barbara Walker]

I liked this story because it was refreshing to hear it from the male POV. It shows the growth (hopefully) and lessons one learns. I was surprised it had been five months since the break up. Maybe its just me, but it felt like it had been much more recent, like that week! The conversations were written like people speak, so it seemed real, as in"I wanna..." Versus "I want to..."
The only suggestion I have is a read-through for a few errors in wording. Nothing earth shaking but it does distract the reader and as writers, we dont want to do that!
See, as I read through my review, I see that my new tablet doesnt put the apostrophes in , as I type. My other tablet was set up to do that. However, I admit that I am too lazy this morning to fix it!

[CrimsonShinigami]

Nice story. I like how you got Isaac all cleaned up and ready to move forward with his life. It reminds me of relationships that are never too easy to forget. Keep up the great work.

[Dante Carlisle]

I like the message in this, and the switch at the end where Kylee becomes lost instead of Isaac. Relationships are never an easy thing to end, and learning to be by yourself after having someone is difficult to say the least. When we're young it seems that the world hinges upon the people we care about the most. Every moment is a life and death struggle to see them, and when they're gone, not because of fate, but because they choose to be, it's heartrending. Good story, though, and I hope you'll write more stories in the future. I enjoyed reading it.