Auburn's VIP Program

A local program’s attempt at boosting Auburn’s economy has achieved a bit of success and has even gathered quite the following in the community.

“Basically, we wanted a way of getting our youth more interested in going out and spending money,” founder of the VIP program, Tyler Hester said. “We went to as many local business and stores as we could and tried to see if they would offer deals for those with VIP cards. Many agreed, and we got the cards out to as many people as we could.”

The program’s target is primarily youth, so they were given out mostly to those who were not married and of younger ages, i.e. below 20. 

Local churches were one of the first groups to get behind this program, giving out the cards to all the students in their religious education programs.

“It sounded like a good way to promote the community, so of course we joined in,” Pastor Fred Davis said.

In the expedience of modern youth communication, the phrase ‘VIP card’ has been shorted to ‘V-card.’ This originally started as a text messaging abbreviation, but has grown to be in the children’s every day speech, much like lol, omg, and imhoityaarjmf.

“I’m proud that I have my V-card. I don’t think I could go anywhere without it. I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost it,” 16-year-old Kathy Harris explained.

While some have stayed with their V-cards, there has been a rising amount of people who lose their V-card.

“I don’t really know what happened. I was at a club with my friends, and suddenly everything got fuzzy. I woke up the next morning and went to Jamba Juice for my normal morning smoothie and I couldn’t find my V-card. I think I lost it at the club,” said 19-year-old Janice Koplin.

People have been losing their V-cards in the oddest of places. Many report losing their V-cards in public bathrooms, movie theatre floors, the woods, and 1992 Ford Tauruses (looking at you, Coco).

The local churches have been holding rallies and protests trying to urge the youth to keep their V-cards. Some have gone as far as to give the kids cards pledging to keep their V-card until they are married.

Not only have cards been lost, but many people who lose them take pride in losing their V-cards and brag about it to everyone unlucky enough to be within earshot.

“I lost my V-card when I was 17 in the kitchen of the Subway down the street. It was so liberating. I felt like I was sticking it to the man, Saying, ‘I don’t care about your rules! I do what I want,’” 18-year-old Maria Sanchert said.

“I lost my V-card with my first girlfriend, Laura. We went to the drive-in, and we lost our V-cards together. A year later I lost my other V-card with my friend Eric at summer camp,” said 17-year-old Miles Williams.

There has also been a spawn of people who try to take other people’s V-cards. They try to build collection of V-cards. They call the V-cards, ‘Notches,’ and the collections, ‘belts.’

“I got another notch just the other day. I took this 18-year-old’s V-card, it was the best feeling I’ve ever had,” said 47-year-old Hank Dustins. So far, Dustins is the local record holder with 30 notches on his belt.

Even with these people how are ruining the system of the V-cards, many people still think they can save our community. As Shaun White said, “Look, I don’t know who you are. Stop calling this number. This isn’t funny anymore. One more call and I will get the police.”