Reform? More like 'Retarded'form

The proposition for healthcare reform is simply preposterous. Reforming this golden age of American healthcare would surely destroy all that we hold sacred in this land of the free.

If you take out deaths caused by car accidents, violent crimes, heart disease, cancer, and amputation infection; America's hospitals rate number one in survival of patients. To use a popular idiom, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Ronald Reagan is rolling over in his cowboy-hat-shaped grave, may he rest in peace. Everyone with at least half a brain could see that this healthcare reformation is a huge step to Nazism in America.

We went all out on our $50 budget and found tickets to Germany on eBay. With our expansive budget, we visited a German nudist beach, which surprisingly was nothing like we thought it would be, and interviewed a few German citizens about their healthcare reform.

Abigail Merkel, a 50 year-old nudist said, “Die riechen von Füssen,” which we can only assume is “I’m a Nazi and we have free healthcare. Heil Hitler!”

Adolf Köhler, a 86 year-old naked man said, “Ausgeschlossen!,” which roughly translates to: “There is a national epidemic sweeping through Germany; it has been labeled as ‘The Jew Problem.’ Our national healthcare system is the most effective way to rid our glorious nation of this infestation.”

The plan that Congress is voting on includes killing anyone over the age of 65. How can we even contemplate allowing this idea into law? This is absolutely ridiculous.

Barack Hussein Obama wants to kill your grandmother, the Jonas Brothers, and Jesus.

Not only that, but they plan to stop funding Medicare, Social Security, and the Post Office in order to fund this outrageous bill. How can we expect to know that we have mediocre healthcare when we can’t even get the announcements in the mail!

This whole healthcare debate has been a political ploy all along. President Obama knew that he could never really prove that he was born in Hawaii, so he immediately changed the public discussion to healthcare. This is the biggest red herring ever pulled in the political arena in the last 9 months.

Death panels have also been put on to this bill. I repeat, “Death panels.” The government is going to assemble 10 boards, one for every 8 states, that decides whether or not you get care or not. Healthcare for everyone? Quite the contrary, good sir.

It looks like the wave of Communism is reaching our shores yet again. In a recent study, less than half of the second graders we interviewed who consider themselves communist have actually read the Communist Manifesto. If they had, they’d be more reluctant to agree with such a radical ideology. 

According to the Communist Manifesto: “We should take over the national healthcare system, then kill everyone. It’s the only way to support worker’s right, the proletariat and equality.”

As President Adolf Hussein Obama said, “We want to set up death panels to pull the plug on grandma.”