Pizza from Paradize Cures Cancer

In a recent “scientific” study, it was found that Pizza from Paradize pizza cures cancer.

This study was orchestrated by two college students who are a part of the “We hate cancer! Club” (WHCC) at GRCC. The students were in lab coats, making it a scientific study. 

“We started by infecting 30 people with various kinds of cancer and then sending half of them to Pizza from Paradize everyday for two months. The other half had to eat at Pizza Hut,” said experiment coordinator Joe Brigglebee. “Our studies show that the half that went to Pizza Hut ended up dying in a bus accident after two months, all the people in the half that went to Pizza from Paradize are still alive. This means that Pizza from Paradize can stop the metastasis of cancer cells and ultimately defeats cancer.”

This scientific miracle has spread the fame of Pizza from Paradize all over the Auburn community.

"I used to have AIDS, and then I ate at Pizza from Paradize where a slice and a coke cost just two dollars and my AIDS was gone," said famed dollar finder Robert Knutzen.

Local college student, Bryan Nelson said, “I contracted herpes a few months ago and I was sure that I would have it forever. But after I rubbed some Pizza from Paradize pizza on my rash, it went away and I haven’t seen it in four days! Thanks Pizza from Paradize!” 

“I didn’t believe this finding when I first heard about it; it seemed too good to be true. But wouldn’t you know it, one day I was suffering from a disease commonly called ‘hungeritis’ in the science community and Pizza from Paradize cured me right up!” exclaimed ex-editor-in-chief Casey Greer.

While much of the community is in celebration at the findings of the WHCC, there are some citizens who deny its validity.

Brandon Cralls, a local biomedical major said, “I know for a fact that this finding is downright wrong. I went into Pizza from Paradize and got two large pizzas to cure my common cold. After I finished the two pizzas in fifteen minutes, I lost my cold, but I then contracted the ‘Itis,’ which is much worse.”

Cralls explains the Itis to be “a naturally occurring drowsy feeling that is created when a person eats a large amount of fried, salty, or fatty foods.” Cralls then gave our reporter a works cited page with three references to urbandictionary.com and two references to Wikipedia.

“Mr. Brandon Cralls is profoundly mistaken,” said physical education instructor Phil Edwards, “The amount of salt and fat in Pizza from Paradize is nowhere near large enough to cause anything negative. It’s the perfect bland of healthiness and deliciousness that puts Honey Nut Cheerios to shame. Furthermore, I don’t know why Mr. Cralls decided to fry his pizza. That’s not a good move for anyone that doesn’t live in Alabama.”

The discovery of Pizza from Paradize’s curing abilities has greatly changed the way that the community deals with illness, and surely has proven the culinary expertise of the owners.

As local pizza expert, Scott Hemming said, “A slice and a drink for two dollars!? That’s less than a slice at the Gator Grille! What a steal!”