I've been here too long

This is probably one of the hardest things I will ever share... It is the suicide note I wrote to my children 3 years ago... miracles do happen

Ive been here too long. Ive already spent more days here than I should have been allowed and my time has come.

 

Destin and Aliviya…. I never should have brought you into this world knowing how I felt about myself. I thought that having kids was the answer to all my problems. I thought that kids would love me and give me what I never had.

 

 It isn’t your fault.

 

You are the best kids anyone could ever, ever ask for. You gave me the best memories I could have imagined. You taught me what love really is. You showed me that to really love someone you have to give of yourself and not expect back... you have to love from your whole self and expect nothing.

 

I wish I was capable of that.

 

Maybe in another lifetime….

 

Maybe if my mom was here to love me and give me that wholeness inside, I would be able to stay with you and give it to you. You are probably going to feel like I’m selfish and that I don’t love you, but I’m taking this moment to write this to let you know that isn’t true. I’m tired of facing life alone. I have nothing to give the two of you and I keep making the mistake of giving what little I do have to men whom I believe will complete me… complete us... and make us a family. In the end they only take from me and I don’t have the strength to build myself back up one more time.

I have done it for the last time.

 

If this life were fair…. God would have taken me gracefully from you instead of your father. Your Dad loved you and he had strength deep within him that I am not capable of. Unfortunately suicide isn’t very graceful. I wish I didn’t have to let you see that.

 

Death never really feels good to the people left behind to experience it, but it’s something that we all must come upon eventually. I want to come upon it now, while I still have memories that are good and my heart is full of love for the two of you… before all the wrong I have done catches up to me and your memories become filled with my mistakes and you become full of hurt and hate. Do not hate me for leaving. I want to give you a chance to have love. It is the only thing that matters in life.

 

Do not make important to you the material things that everyone will make you think are important.

 

You always look out for each other. You are family and you two are all you have. I am so thankful I was graced with the ability to have two children to be there for each other and I do not bear the burden of leaving you alone. I know that you two will be loved and taken care of by someone who will be able to help you remember that I loved you as much as I could. She will remind you that I left because my strength ran out… not my love.

 

Always be kind to everyone. The people who need it most are probably not strong enough to be kind to you.

 

 

Keep your heads up and your minds open.

 

Do not let drugs and alcohol ruin your vision. You have to stay aware of what reality is in order to get through it and when you do drugs and drink alcohol you don’t know what is real anymore.

 

Don’t let people steal your heart…. like I did. You make them earn it and take care of it… it is where all of your love is and it is all that you are.

 

Don’t forget me please. Look at pictures… take time to remember all the good times we had and know that all I ever wanted was to give you good memories. I have run out of the means to provide you with any more, so treasure the ones you have and make it important to give each other many more. As time goes on I’m sure that other people worthy of your time and love will come along. Give them good memories too.

 

I love you with all of my heart. You are so beautiful and I am so lucky to have been in your life for this long. Maybe a miracle will save me from the hate that has consumed me… but if not, know that you are so special and please do not regret that I am your mother. I did the best that I could.

Reviews

[Rain]

Many times people will make the mistake of trying to help by saying " I understand." They say this because they love you, and feel the need to help in someway. But, there is seldom someone that truely understands. You can read the words of those who reviewed and know they have great compassion for you. It really doesn't matter what "anyone" says. Nothing I can say will change anything. It is only you, and what you see in the mirror, and what you feel about yourself. You have allowed someone, or a series of events to destroy you. I'm just talking to you now, you will do what you will do. But, I want you to know I have PHD in suicide, and suicide thoughts. You don't want to die, if you did you would be dead. The same of me. My problem was I couldn't make it look like suicide..for insurance reasons. I wanted a reason to live, and I couldn't find one. I was diagnosed with a terminal cancer and have slowly watched myself whither away. You get this overwhelming weight that you can't carry. Everyone who loves me, would be better off, in time, without me. I went from a strong, positive, funny human being, into a person I don't even recognize...emotionally. In the last three years I've been hospitalized five times..twice for suicide attempts, and the rest for depression. That's where you are. You are so broken, you've given up. God, I understand that pit. It doesn't matter that I'm loved, and have friends who care. I know it should, but it doesn't help. I've heard it all. " It's a cowards way out" .."It's selfish." Depression is a nightmare. I'd rather live without my legs, than to feel this feeling that sweeps over me. People say.." It's not an answer." The hell it's not. If I had the courage, if it wasn't for the hurt it would cause my wife and sons..It would be done.
I look at you, and I think what a beautiful woman. You see yourself..and you are hideous. People see me an say " You're a damn miracle." Still, here we are. Why ? I still laugh, I still have moments where I see life's beauty..so I hang on. There's something keeping you here, too. Thank God. It's strange I will fight harder for your life, than my own. I bet you are the same way. I bet you would risk your life in a second to save a strangers. Writing this to you is helpful to me. I've always felt this bond with you, anyway. I knew you were in trouble. All I can leave you with is I'm glad you are still here...hopefully you are. For me, this place has given me a tiny light, one that is enough, for the moment, to see the good in this world. I hope you find your light. Only you can save you..I would admit myself to a hospital, but in the end, the answer is inside you. Look deep inside..you are good. Love, Rain..

[Legion]

Chica, you sent this to me as a read request. I have already read it (and commented) before. :)

[George Love]

The fact you posted the story is encouraging. Suicide is the permanent solution to temporary problems. I strongly urge you to stay with this world, give your chidren a parent who loves them and continue to believe there are things here worth living for.

[Legion]

So glad you didn't have to have that delivered to them. Suicide is so hard to fathom by those who have never had that faltering moment. Especially children. I hope things have gotten better for you (and it seems it may have since you are still here among them). I have had two friends of mine commit suicide in the past. They are still sorely missed.