Just the Right Flowers

On the day that Thomas died, it felt like my world had ended. I had spent almost 11 years as a part of his life. I didn’t know how to look at my own life without him in it. Everyday for several months, I woke up feeling like I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know how to be a parent without Thomas here to help. When he was here, every time something would happen with the kids, I would call him. If I had doubts or questions about something that was going to affect the kids, I always knew that Thomas was the one other person in this world who loved them as much as I did. I could trust that he always had their best interest at heart.

 

            Once the cloud of shock and denial, started to clear and the funeral was over, it only took a few days before I started feeling guilty for every moment that I had with the kids... and he didn’t. In moments where I should have found joy in my children, I felt extreme sadness and guilt knowing how much Thomas would have appreciated a moment like that. Hugging them was the most painful thing imaginable because I just wanted him to be there to hug them too. The kids couldn’t understand where their "Dadoo" had gone. They seemed to think he was just away, as if sleeping somewhere, and that he would come back. It was unbearable trying to explain to them on a daily basis that they could not see him.

 

            It has now been just over a year. We have experienced one of every holiday without Thomas. We have watched every season change without him. When other kids are spending time with their Dads for the holidays, we are taking a trip up to the cemetery because I don’t know how else to feel like he is a part of our lives still. We had a picnic at his grave sight for Easter. At Christmas we put up a Christmas tree there for him. I feel like if I take just the right flowers or say just the right prayer that maybe somehow Thomas will know how much he is missed and that we would do anything to have him back…

Reviews

[BrightEyes]

I'm certain that he already knows all that...it is good that you keep his memory alive in your kids who I'm guessing are too young yet to really understand it all, yet...make sure you also give them good memories with you at these times as well. Don't feel guilty for your time with you children...instead, give them an extra hug from their dad. Despite the sadness that prompted this write...it is extrememly well written and poignantly touching.

laura

[Jenny Davis]

This gave me goosebumps. Such an open, raw piece of emotion where I am left wondering why good people are almost always taken away from this world too soon. I am so sorry for your loss and I truly applaud your beautiful, heartfelt write :)

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

It's hard when we lose a loved one cause not only do we lose the person but a part of us as well... I'm sure he knows how much you love and miss him.. a very touching piece of literature.

[Yaooooooo]

Is sad to loose someone. How do we get over something like that, i dont think a person can ever recover from it. How do you explain it, sometimes you wish it was you, we want to take the place of those we lost, those we love. Life is sad, we remember the worst and forget the best, the best of times is that really count when the moment is over thats all we going to have left.
THanks for the wonderfull story and keep them coming.
One!

[SM Davis]

He knows. I am at a loss for words with this. It was beautiful and heart wrenchingly honest. thank you for sharing this, and for letting it come long enough to let others know your pain. this was beautiful.

[Robert Luna]

This was heart breaking and not at all what I thought I was about to read. Please in the future put a tag at the beginning just so I can have my tissues a lot closer next time. Trying to lighten the mood just a little here.

Okay so et me start by saying he is never gone as long as you hold and honor his memory. He will forever be a part of you and your children's lives. He will forever be watching over you all. His love will forever be yours believe in those things you can not see but have to put faith into. I know that his light still shines on all of you.

My heart and prayer are with you and your family.

[Yvonne Heidt]

Tissue alert!

I do know exactly how you feel. Your road is a hard one, doubly so. First, let me tell you that my prayers are with you.

We have a house in our neighborhood who lost a loved one to AIDS. So, every holiday - and I mean EVERY holiday - their house is decorated to beat the band. Lit up all year round with different themes.
I was told that it was so their loved one could see the house in Heaven...

Made me cry.

[Legion]

Are you trying to make me cry? :(

This is so sad. I really feel your pain here and loneliness. Great writing though. You definetly can pull on the heart strings as well as capture a moment.

[Tania Leigh]

Thank you for sharing a difficult time of your life with us...this is a beautiful story about him, and I'm sure he would be proud of you and the kids for always remembering him.

[TAYLOR]

Thomas is looking down from heaven at his family....as long as there are memeories remembered he is still there with you