Story of My Life

Confusion
at the thought of you.
Tears just waiting to be shed.

Anger at myself...
Suppressing, ignoring, denying
ultimately lying in the end.

 

I deny myself things,
people, feelings, thoughts,
that would make me happy.

Controlled by fear of the unknown

and the truth,
I don't know how to accept change.

 

This is the story of my life.
I'm fine.
See?
Believe the fake smile.
Ignore the real tears.
The jury reached my verdict.
Case closed.

I'm unable to be happy;
to satisfy my desires,
always settling for second best.
There is no fairytale...
Only a war between my head and my heart.

 

I suppressed so much.
Kept it in my subconscious mind.
Ignored it for a reason.

 

Avoiding conscious thought
still let the floodgates open,
drowning me in the rushing tide.

 

This is the story of my life.
I'm fine.
See?
Believe the insincere apologies.
Ignore the sadness in my eyes.
The jury's back in the courtroom.
The case is closed.

I'm unable to be happy.
I settle for second best.
Fairytales and dreams are not for me.
I fight a war between head and heart.

 

I'm losing it-
My mind, my sanity, all hope.
Completely losing control.

 

Comfortably numb
I seek solace in a cold and colorless world.
No one can hurt me there.

 

They make fun of numbness.
But I'll never have to own up to them.
Only me.

 

And, yes, I know I am in denial.
I lie myself into perpetual unhappiness
just to avoid the pain.

But ignorance is bliss.
Pure, sweet, and cunning
but never everlasting.

 

I'm at a crossroads.
I should embrace change, the unknown and unfamiliar
for a chance at a rare, beautiful love.

But I like the path of least resistance,
keeping things the same,
even if it means ignoring my heart.

 

This is the story of my life.
I'm fine.
See?
Fake smiles, real tears,
Lies deceit, and one totally broken Me.
But the case isn't closed.
The jury's still out.
A chance for true happiness.
No more second bests.
I might still have a fairytale.
The war may end in peace.

 

The story of my life...

Pages turning to an unwritten end.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Life is difficult. Hard to get over the wall of fear and unknowing. Poem is powerful and told a sad story. I can feel the yearning to be brave and take chances. We must falls down a few times to learn disappointment. Then we will really know joy when it does appear in a life. A excellent poem.
Coyote