how to live?

a poem that is more like a rant, so if you're looking for something repetitive and confessional, here you go.

I'm in Spanish class right now, 

in which I have a thirteen percent in. 

I haven't turned in an assignment since I can't remember when, 

And I keep missing Spanish class every week for therapy

so everything is just piling up,

and when I'm not doing it as it continues to pile up, 

I'm getting behind. 

I should be working on the poster that's due tomorrow

that I've barely worked on, 

but I can't read the article I need to,

and I can't think. 

The words don't register in my brain 

and the words don't come to me 

when I try to write. 

I guess I'm writing now. 

Am I getting better? 

No, I'm most certainly not. 

I'm talking to my ex again, 

which means I'm really desperate.

It just feels like no one cares about me. 

I know my sister does,

but I can't talk to her 

because it feels like an extension of my parents, 

who I think don't even notice I'm struggling right now, 

because they've got their own stuff going on. 

My headphones just died, 

so I can't listen to the songs that will drown everything out. 

And maybe that's why I can't do my work, 

but I need to just drown everything out. 

I need to escape. 

I need to feel something, 

instead of just being dead inside already. 

I know what would make me feel something 

and make things better 

but at the same time make everything so much worse. 

I've been reading about it to trigger myself more.

It's working. 

I've had such strong urges and I'm surprised 

I haven't hidden away in a bathroom stall 

to have a breakdown and do it already. 

I already don't want to exist. 

I liked being on vacation because I didn't have to think 

about school. 

And now that we're back in it, 

it's so overwhelming

and making me fall 

and not function

and want to find a rope to end it all. 

That's not how I would do it though. 

I can swallow pills now, 

but that's now how I'd do it either. 

I don't even know,

I haven't thought through it that far. 

The only thing I do know is that 

I can't do this anymore. 

I can't be failing classes anymore. 

I can't be having this much anxiety and stress anymore. 

I can't be thinking about acting on my urges anymore. 

I can't be talking and being nice to my ex again. 

I can't be writing rants in Spanish class when I have time to do the piling work I have. 

I can't keep liking that girl because imagining fake scenarios is killing me when I know it'll never happen. 

I can't keep pretending I'm happy because it makes me happier. 

I just want to be happy, 

and not procrastinate, 

and not even think about doing those wrong things for me, 

or think about my ex, 

or be anxious. 

I just want to actually have good grades. 

I want to be happy and survive. 

Who knows if that's even possible in this world we live in now.