I'll Never Be A Man

A Story by midiel

because it's different.

6th September 2010

I don’t think I should recall this but you came up with this question a few days ago and just now, you cried and you blamed me. You asked: when we were in PD, I did not have any feeling for you whatsoever, didn’t I?

I like you since I first saw you cry in our lecture hall because of him. He ignored you back then. But my roommate, your closest friend at the moment, consoled you. I did nothing, because I knew nothing and you were distant then. But I like you since. I couldn’t help but feel that you were so vulnerable and adorable despite your cheery and loud superficial because you longed for such love, and you need someone who cares.

But it was just a point where I like people and dismissal occurred. You should know, I lived that way before I got to know you.

There’s a thing in PD I never told anyone. You were sick. You lied down on the bed in our hotel room. And I was there in the room alone. You shivered. I put the blanket on you and I saw your sleeping face. I fell in love with it straight away. And the whole trip there, when they needed to wake you up, I didn’t dare to do so. I’d rather let the other 3 woke you up than let myself shattered the peaceful adorable sleeping face. I watched you afar, you just didn’t know.

A few months went on. Then there was this intimate period between us since the day I gave you the notes but strangely this feeling developed so strongly on me, it turned into a friendship you treasure. At the end, I’m just your good, best friend whatever that you called me just now. And in the end, I’m the only one who stares at your picture so emotionally at night before I sleep.

Just now, you were hogging another boy. Just because you were mad at him for not taking care of you. And this boy, has all the qualities you would want in your boyfriend. And you regretted your ex last night. And you were chanting his name last night. And the choices downed to him and this boy. That no one cares. And if there would be any chances to pick your man, it would be between these two guys. Or no, just him, Yog. And the rest in line, those men. Then maybe one day, if you’re ever going to part because of his lacking quality, you’ll choose someone who’ll care for you, romance you, surprise you and see the world of you, again.

And you left me out that I reminded you.

I shouldn’t have reminded you.

In the end, it’ll just hurt me myself and no one else.

Because you’ll never see me as a man. I am not.

And just now, you blamed me because I made you cry for telling me about the fight you had with him.

And you didn’t know that the only reason I asked was to let you know, I was there by your side.

Because you said “It’s different”

Because you love him, and he loves you,

And I was lame, and I was stupid.

And I love you. But you’ll never see.

And I care for you. I’ll just remain your friend.

And I’ll be by your side, forever till I die.