Growing Up

Growing up

I was raised in the

Mormon religion.

I was taught to

Love thy neighbor.

To serve others.

Be righteous.

Put others before yourself.

Be kind to thy neighbor.

Help thy neighbor.

Serve thy neighbor.

Love thy neighbor.

Help thy neighbor.

Serve thy neighbor.

Love thine enemy.

Trust in God.

Trust that He will save you

From the neighbors that hate you.

The neighbors you are supposed to love,

The neighbors who constantly judge.

Judge you for your thoughts;

Your imperfect nature.

Love thine enemies.

Serve thine enemies.

Help thine enemies.

Well who’s going to help me?

Who will save me from the people I love?

The people who won’t sit by me in Sunday School.

The people I thought were cool.

They hated me.

They treated me like dirt.

Thought their words never hurt

My heart,

My brain.

It pains me to say

That I hated them too.

Hated their cheap lies,

Their fake smiles,

About how perfect they thought they were

When they went home to parents having threesomes

With the nannie

Who liked to have foursomes.

And they sat there acting like they were perfect,

Not worthless

Like the bottom of my shoe,

Or a gnat that I swat with the bottom of my shoe.

Trust that because of my obedience

God will save me.

He will bless me.

As long as I obey blindly,

I will be perfect

Like Him,

Like my neighbor,

Like my perfect sister

Who watched porn twice a day

And told me about sex when I was eight.

Like the guy I thought was great,

But who was in a mental state

And raped me

For hours while I screamed,

While I cried

And looked into his eyes

And pitied him.

And hated him.

And hated myself.

Because I am supposed to

Love my enemy,

And serve my enemy,

And obey my enemy

When really all I want to do is

Kill my enemy

For everything he did to me.

For depriving me of my virtue.

For taking away my happiness.

For my future husband’s right to my body.

For stealing my remaining innocence,

Slicing open my inexperience

And saying

“You were asking for it.”

How am I supposed to trust God

If He won’t help me

In time of need?

After everything I’ve done for him

For staying clean,

For staying pure,

For loving my neighbor,

Serving my neighbor,

Helping my neighbor.

Why couldn’t you help me?

Why should I believe

If you weren’t there in time of need

When everything was stolen from me?

So don’t judge me

For not going to church

And sitting around people I hate

That hate me.

Do not judge me

For dating women.

For hoping maybe girls

Are better than men.

For sleeping with a man I thought I loved

Who used me like a tissue

Tossing me away after one use.

Because that’s all he wanted,

What was left of my heart.

Then he crushed it to dust.

He said I was enough

For him.

Forever.

He lied.

Left a baby inside,

Growing for a month

Before it gave up

And left me,

Like you did

Leaving me bleeding

Crying, cursing, screaming

Until I had enough

And I turned to drugs.

Hoped their short term effects

Would affect my brain and

Make me forget.

About my pain.

About my name.

About God,

Who wanted me to be clean

Not to be mean

To my body.

My temple.

My virtue,

Which was stolen

Along with my pride

And my faith.

Now I paint the walls of my temple

With ink

Thinking that every stroke of the needle

Will erase my worries.

My thoughts,

The constant pain,

Of daily hangovers.

Because I was trying to forget.

Do not judge me

For sleeping around,

Wanting to feel wanted

Instead of thrown on the ground,

And making me feel like it was my fault.

How was it my fault?

Was my jacket not long enough?

Were my jeans not loose enough?

Were the drinks he made not strong enough for me to say yes

Instead of no?

Which I screamed

At the top of my lungs

While he put himself inside me

Tearing away everything I wanted to be.

But really I must thank him.

For opening my eyes.

For tattooing “Trust no one”

On my hip,

So the world can see

How broken I am

When these people don’t give a damn

About me,

About my needs.

Who don’t help me,

Serve me,

Love me,

Like You were supposed to

Like I did for all of them.

Reviews

[soliloquy]

Whoa! Reading this was like being on an exciting thrill ride! I love the points and the message here. I agree with so much of it too. I also hate self righteous people. I think they are weak and want others to admire their sorry selves.

I loved the style here. It was easy to read...easy to enjoy.

[Damien Thibodeaux]

Forgive me, I was trolling for fellow Georgia writers and came across your page. When I read this I was absolutely stunned! This is an incredible write. This is so powerful and full of emotion. It grabs the reader and doesn't let go. I am simply blown away. I am going to recommend this to my friends.

[Shaquana Adams]

I really love the points made here. It's a very thought provoking and deep write. Keep writing :)
-QuanaWana

[00000000000000000000000..]

Wow that was unreal, I understand a few things you had said in the poem but the things of the rape I cant say I understand. You're a very powerful writer and this write is by far spoken in a depth, The depth I understand a great deal about. I wont talk about religion cause its only man made but God don't send or do harm Satan does. I really enjoyed reading your poem, Its one that will help other women.

[Holly McClain]

Very well written and disturbing. I like the refrain, and the stilted style. The rhythm fits of the words fits the message.