The Goddess' Champions

Annelise, the crown Princess of Morroway, fulfills her dream of becoming one of the Goddess' Champions, but at what cost?

Annelise stared down her target with razor-sharp focus. A small rabbit, white as the tundra that surrounded the young princess, crinkled its nose, sniffing the air for predators. It hopped once, burrowing itself into the fresh-fallen snow.

“I’m sorry, my friend.” The princess spoke quietly, her voice crystalizing in the frosty air. 

Annelise took a small breath, pulled her bowstring tight with her gloved fingers, and exhaled as she let her bowstring free. The arrow pierced the air silently, glinting in the sunlight.

Before the creature could realize, the glass arrow had struck through its side, piercing the heart, and sending the ball of white fur hurling a few feet backward. The rabbit let out a small sigh as it took its last gasp of life, a fate essential for the survival of those who live on the continent of Marroway.

Mostly tundra and snow-covered mountains, Morroway sits at the very northwestern point of Ipara. The only thing further north is the Isle of Katalan, an island of exile and greatly surrounded in mystery, virtually unexplored. Annelise exhaled and wiped the sweat from her brow. A string of amber hair fell from under her white fur cap. She tucked it behind her diamond pierced ear with grace.

“Wonderful shot, your grace!” A voice echoed from over the snow-covered hill to her left. 

Annelise squinted, holding her white leather gloved hand above her forehead to block the stinging reflection of sunlight bursting from the shining hills. It was Kadion, the captain of her royal guard. Annelise let out an exasperated sigh and waved haphazardly, feigning her excitement.

Kadion jogged forward, his mirror-like armor shuffling quietly and barely detectable in the terrain. He smiled, bowed, and ran his iron gloves through his short thick blonde hair. The crest of the royal family, an arrow wrapped in the vines of a red rose, was unmistakable printed across his chest.

“My lady.” Kadion stood, chin held high and held his hand over his heart.

Annelise grinned and waved her hand, signaling the dismissal of such royal customs. She reached down and thanked the rabbit, running her fingers over the blood-stained fur. She tossed the deceased food source into her leather satchel and dusted the caked snow from her riding robes. The young princess stood tall, linked her fingers across her abdomen and spoke with an air of royalty,

“While I could never forgo the chance to see you, I do wonder was it my father who sent you? I do so wish he understood that I am quite capable of handling myself. I am seventeen now, nearly a woman. Also, I told you that you need not greet me with the royal gesture. We are childhood friends after all.” She smiled kindly and let down her hands, releasing the royal tension from her body. Being a controlled and stoic princess was difficult for someone with such a tender heart and child-like soul.

Annelise softened her gaze as she glanced over the now young man of eighteen that she had known since she was but a child. Kadion’s jaw had chiseled in the last few years, small stubbles of blonde decorated his chin, and he towered over her by at least a foot. Where had the string-bean of a boy gone that played hide and seek with her in the royal gardens? He used to sneak extra cakes from the kitchen to share while they traded silly stories in the trove of holly bushes that dotted the grounds during the holiday season. Adulthood had caught up to him and the desire to please his father, Martrial, head of the King’s Royal Army, was written on his very being. There were no more jokes between friends or childhood laughter. Those memories have been replaced by royal formalities and duties to family.

“Your grace it is my sworn duty as the captain of your royal guard to maintain your safety at all times. I apologize for interrupting a time that brings you much needed solace. Might I escort you back to the castle? His highness wishes your presence for they are to be calling champions forth for the Goddess’ Bow of Destiny tournament.” Kadion crossed his arms and raised a brow, knowing this would pique the young queen to be’s interest.

Annelise’s emerald eyes widened and an audible gasp leapt from her lips. “Heavens! I’d forgotten that today was the announcing!” The princess flipped her white hunting robe to the side, placed her delicate fingers between her lips, and let out a whistled melody.

A remote neighing echoed from the distance as a white horse with braids wrapped through dazzling jewels galloped over the hill. Mirage, the princesses’ faithful mare nuzzled into her embrace. Grabbing the horn of the saddle, the princess placed her booted foot into the stirrup and gracefully hopped upon Mirage’s back. She gripped the straps of the bridle and gave a gentle tug, signaling her back toward the castle.

Kadion followed closely at her side, staring up at her with deep sapphire eyes. Annelise has become more beautiful with every passing day. The freckles upon her nose spread out over her lightly pinked cheeks, and her amber hair slipped from under her cap as she rode with the grace of a queen. He could feel a pleasant stirring inside his heart followed by a pulling ache. He could not recall when his feelings for the princess had changed. Over time, his adoration for her grew into desperate longing, a need to be as close to her as one thought possible. A relationship between the two would be forbidden and cast aside; the difference in station was far too great. It was blasphemous for him to even think the feelings would be requited. For her, he thought, he would love unconditionally through loyal service and unwavering support.

 

The friends drew closer to their destination and ascended the final, snow bathed hill. A castle began to form on the horizon, standing mighty in the white sea of frost. Stone pillars rose from the ground and towered over the land, casting shadows upon small hamlets scattered throughout the kingdom. Torches of blue flames danced on the tops of each strategically placed turret. Flags with the royal crest stood proudly atop the conical spires and whipped here and there in the chilling breeze. A sudden nervousness bit at the princess as she found herself lost in thought.

“Your grace?” Kadion had sensed the change in her demeanor.

They slowed, halting at the summit and surveying their kingdom.

“It’s been ten years since the last Bow of Destiny tournament,” Annelise tilted her head, inhaling the crisp breeze. She felt a tickle of air crawl across her cheeks. It felt familiar, warm. “I cannot help but think of Alexandre and the fate he suffered.”

Alexandre was the princess’ older brother, next in line for the throne. He was her father’s son, a spitting image of Evian the Fearless. Her heart began to twist.

“My lady, I have not the words to say to comfort you, but I do know that he is always here surrounding you with protection and love.” Kadion shifted uncomfortably in his heavy armor. 

What could he say? Annelise’s brother was struck through the brain with an arrow gone awry in tournament’s past. Kadion shuddered, the memory, even at 8 years old, was fresh in his mind. The arrow had pierced the crown prince’s forehead with a sickening crack, the shaft lodging into the meaty tissue of his brain. The arrowhead peaked from his occiput, covered in a sanguineous fluid. Kadion and the princess had been ushered immediately from the gallery, but the young boy and princess remembered Alexandre’s lifeless eyes staring forward in surprise as if he had seen something in the moments before his demise.

Author's Note

Please ignore all grammar problems, etc. I'd love for feedback and some positive encouragement as I haven't written in years. Thank you so much! (also sorry for the font changes, I like cambria in Word)

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Fantasy & royalty & battling -- not my cup of tea. I almost walked away since I'm not focused lately & haven't taken the time to read & review many longer pieces at the cafe. What sold me on giving this a try is the way you are so enthusiastic & open & real in your various real-life comments, such as your authors note & profile. I want to encourage such enthusiasm for writing, but also I must warn you that book don't get much reviewing at the cafe. People are more into short-attention span pieces. Hopefully this won't bring you down becuz I've found the cafe to be a great place to be inspired.

Now about this piece. One reason I don't like fantasy much is becuz I'm forgetful -- it's hard for me to remember my chosen everyday names when I'm writing my own books, even harder to remember unusual names & made-up places. The best thing about your writing is that you introduce each character & setting & situation by stopping to explain a few things, but not too much backstory as to distract from the storyline from marching onward. Lots of writers throw a bunch of characters at the reader without drawing a picture of how everything relates to everything else. Other writers forget this is a make-believe world, so all the reader knows is what you tell them about it. Your careful way of pointing things out & connecting things is clear & not distracting.

My least favorite thing is that you have a small tendency to reach for the common, predictable, over-used details to flesh out your world. Here are some snoozers: "staring up at her with deep sapphire eyes. Annelise has become more beautiful with every passing day" (ho-hum!) . . . "Over time, his adoration for her grew into desperate longing, a need to be as close to her as one thought possible." Since this is fantasy, why not reach into a grab bag of the unexpected? You also do description quite well in most instances: "Kadion’s jaw had chiseled in the last few years, small stubbles of blonde decorated his chin, and he towered over her by at least a foot." But a few small passages feel like you've switched off your imagination & started copying from the formulaic book of romantic bullshit.

But overall, your storytelling is precise, clear, easy to follow, compelling, interesting & your writing skills are top notch, no mistakes, nice not to have to decipher thru indecipherable passages. You write like you really want to paint characters & scenes in your reader's mind.

I read TONS at the cafe constantly, but many times new members will start out by posting a book & I think: I'll never remember to come by & check this person out again. Especially if the writing is in a genre that doesn't interest me much (I'm more into realism, not fantasy). But I can honestly say I would try to remember to stop by & check you out again to see how your book is progressing. But I need to see more of a body of work before I accept a friend request. Too many newbies start off all enthusiastic & are never seen from again, especially since posting a book as your only posting, lots of other readers will not dig in. I advised one person who started out by posting a book to also post poetry if you have written any. People want to try you on in more of a bitesize way at first. Show them you're irresistible, then they might plow thru chapter after chapter of a book. I have many dear dedicated friends here (after 6 years) who won't read my books, even tho they love & follow my other writing. Most people are not book readers. So good luck with your writing. If you've posted more, feel free to drop me a msg & I'll review more (((HUGS)))

[Michelle Liane]

My goodness thank you so much for this review! I found it quite helpful and can't wait to go back and re-describe. I definitely can find when I've been writing in the throws of passion and then when I'm lazily typing about.

Part of me pulls from reading young-adult/teen fiction as a highschool student and I found a lot of solace in those books so I find it hard to pull myself completely out of them.

I'm not much of a poetry writer, but I might give it a try. Your honesty means so much to me!

[barleygirl]

It doesn't have to be poetry. Lots of people write up a prose anecdote pulled from life, something that is lively & fresh . . . doesn't have to be a whole story, but something people can read as a quickie, to get a taste of you . . .

[Greg Gorman]

Childhood friends who have their fates and duties chosen for them. Could forbidden love be on the horizon? Who knows? It's only the first chapter. And a good chapter at that.
You start with a hunt. Princess finds food, tracks it, and kills it. She thanks the rabbit for providing. I think some Native Americans said a prayer or sang a song over their quarry, thanking it for providing food and clothing for the tribe. I'm reminded of this as I read the beginning. And she uses a glass arrow? Interesting.
So, we are in Marroway. I like it when people are creative and make up their own places. It's another level of creativity. I know you want to have typos ignored, but "Marroway" has two different spellings in this story. Keep this consistent.
Back to the childhood friends divided by duties and expectations. you introduce the bodyguard/escort as Martrial. Is this a play on "Martial"? He is in the army. Was this deliberate?
The horse has jewels? This royal family is rolling in it. Are they adopting?
You have an interesting end to the chapter. Annelise's brother dying at eight years old. An arrow piercing the occiput. This is a little technical. Just say he was hit in the back of the head.