“JELOU DAMASS AN MADRE FOCAS!!!”

When I learned the news that I had been nominated for the Oscar 2010, I jumped up and down as result of my joy that I almost hit the ceiling of my Studio. My excitement and the noise I made were so much that my secretary came in to my office and joined to the celebration. She was so happy too that, in that way, we both completely excited, jumping as we were doing it, we reached the sky of a good orgasm... and finally, we calmed down.

"Well, it's just a nomination," I said to myself thinking about the nomination I had. Then, I got entertained in the dreaming about the possibility to get it in the D day of the ceremony. Up to here, thinking coldly, I was leaving off the so hated bunch of mediocre writers, excellent all of them, but unknown and ignored as I'd been until now. Notwithstanding, if I'd get it, oh my god!... That would be the same as if I'd got my impossible Nobel in literature.

I've written tales and novels for so long, and I haven’t won any awards at all in my entire life. But, you know what? Mmm… No, I'm not a bad writer, but I've never paid attention to the literary contests. Why? I’ll tell you why… Because, I really, really don't give a s**t,  ha, ha, ha.

So, how in the hell I were nominated from the Academy? You might ask. But, take it easy, it’s a very simple question to answer. Well, let me tell you that a damn movie director, so lost like me, in terms of fame and fortune, had read my book and liked it so much that he wanted to make a film of it, and, by the fate of the chance, I already had written the script for it. He had no money to make it, but he got it from a Spanish foundation. The movie would be a low-budget production, and the rest is history. The director, the actors and me didn't received a penny of this, but the contrary. The only ones who received some of the money were the technical workers, because they don’t make a living by the love of art. The other half of the money went to pay for equipment, props and the rent of various facilities where it was filmed. Was it enough money? Hell, not. So, who covered the rest?... The holy father, the dear sons and from my own f*****g pocket, as I've mentioned above.

The Academy awards nomination was for the Best Foreign Film 2010; and all who participated in it, from the director to the extras, and even the guarding dog, we met in the studio set. Don’t you believe me? Well, you explain me, how it was possible that the son of a b***h four legs guardian, I mean the dog, welcomed us wagging its tail, instead of barking, when we went to celebrated the news in one of the film sets?

Unfortunately, not everybody could go, not even if everyone would were barking all night long like our mascot. There were only four invitations to attend to the Ceremony in Hollywood, California, and that was it.

Luckily, I live nearby east LA, (s**t, I’m a w*****k), which allowed to us to make some savings in travel and accommodations, and so the Director could bring his beloved wife, who, anyway, unfortunately, couldn’t get into the Ceremony Hall, because she was not on the guest list.

I must confess, very ashamed, that after living thirty years in this f*****g gringos' land, I have learned nothing at all of English language. And it wasn’t for being a stupid a*s, no, no, no. The thing is I'm so anti-imperialist that I have got blocked in my coconut head the process of learning. Therefore, just in case, I asked my younger son for a favor, if he could prepare a few words for the Ceremony.

My kid advised me that the most important thing to do, if I had the chance, was: I should act as "culo" as I can. I do not know if I wrote "culo" right, but it meant that I must be cold, quiet, smooth. In addition, he added: "Dad, you should smile all the time, and when you speak up, do it loudly as the boxing promoter does it when he announces the fight of the night, ok?"... “Or same as those from the cable channels "eichbio" or "shoutaim," I added to give a signal that I understood what he meant, which actually were HBO and ShowTime Channels.

The D day, when we were walking down on the red carpet, the film's director, Juan Jose Campanella, would be responsible to talk to the reporters in Spanish, and I would be in charge in the case if it were in English ... ha, ha, ha. Therefore, as I'd learned from my son, Junior, I delivered words saying: "Kissass, Kissass..." believing that I was saying: "maybe, maybe" instead of the Spanish words: "quizás, quizás..." and most journalists didn't approached to me anymore.

Then, sitting at the edge of my seat, I waited until almost the end of the ceremony, just to hear the magic words: "an da wüiner is ..."

"The Secret in their Eyes!” I heard to say to Jeff Bridges, and those of mine got clouded for a second, because there was no time for more. So, walking to the stage, I saw many "tetas asustadas" on my way, celebrating with us, when we walked through to receive the so famous statuette, while mentally I kept telling to myself: "I must be culo, I must be culo..." meanwhile, I was looking for in my pants pocket, the writing note that my son gave me.

I cannot tell you all the details of what happened there, because I was not fully aware of what was going on around me. I saw lights flashes and hundreds of smiling faces. I heard cheers and the word so trite: "congratulaishion", and suddenly, the Oscar, the golden statue was already in my hands. And so, I was standing on the podium with all the people in front of me, waiting to I say something. In that instant, I remembered my son's advice and his last correction to my broken English, "Dad, do not say "madre", it pronounce: "mada!"

So I did it. I raised my arms and yelled with all my heart...

“Jelouuu damasss an madafocasss!!!”

And the magic words worked out. As an abracadabra, all the people there, from the tiny and beautiful Magali Solier to the great Jeff Bridges, they all stood up to cheer us up noisily. Yes, they had recognized us like one of them.

And… my son? Damn, he was rolling all over the carpet, dead of laughing, along with his friends in the "livinrrum" of my home, watching the ceremony on TV.

When I arrived home after midnight, I found my son sleeping on the carpet, along with his crowd of high school students. I walked through the room slowly and carefully to avoid stepping on anyone. Then, I saw on the "cofitaibol" a note that caught my attention and I took it with me. I went to the "refri", I grabbed a beer and I went to the backyard to be relaxed in the "yakusi." Once in there I read the note. It was a list of English words, with its respective pronunciations and meanings, which I didn't see at the time when I got out heading to the ceremony. When I read it, I laughed so much that I almost drowned in the damn "yakusi." The note said:

"Dad, watch your pronunciation, do not say "culo", but "cul", in writing is: "cool" and it means: "quiet, fine, smooth." Please do not say what I taught you because everything is a joke with bad words, don’t you believe me? I mean, if you say: "quisass" it doesn’t mean “maybe” but "kiss my... butt," and is very ugly to write at all, dad. If you say: "damass" it doesn't mind: "Ladies", it means: "stupid donkey" and in written is: "damn a*s," this is not so bad, right?. However, no matter what, don't say the word: "madafakers". Because, it is so bad that I don't even know how to spell it, but it means something really, really bad that if you say it, you have to go away immediately, before they catch you and kill you, because you're insulting their mothers. Only the young rockers and rappers use to say it, all the time, to greet each other, not me, dad, of course. Daddy, you better speak Spanish. You do it very well, and the whole "la raza" will thank you. "

I dropped the note aside, with a big smile in my soul, and I pondered: "Luckily, everything came out "Okei" and they liked me at all... Now, I have an Oscar... but my son... this "bato" is going to be better than me."

PS: Juan Jose Campanella, who also wrote the screenplay, directed the film, “The Secret in their eyes.” An argentine movie with key players: Ricardo Darin, Soledad Villamil, Guillermo Francella, as well as all extraordinary cast of actors, props and technical staff, could make a great movie. The 2010 Oscar fell into good hands. Congratulations Argentine brothers, your received award makes us proud to all. "The secret in their eyes" is based on the novel: "The question in their eyes," written by the Argentine writer: Eduardo Sacheri.  I send my best regards to the author.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A very entertaining story. I like the way you wrote this story. Each small detail making the story seem real. I like the main character and his internal thoughts on the matter of people and the award. A strong ending to a excellent story.
Coyote

[MICHAELANGELO BARNEZ]

Thanks for your review, dear Coyote.