I Never Said That

Political satire addressing contemporary issues. It is primarily targeted at the current and recent administrations, especially concerning the lies and blatant cover-ups we have been experiencing.

I am the proud leader of a mysterious country few know about. It sure is a wonderful place to live. I call it Amurica. Here, all are free to work and live. We will not control your money. We let you keep what you earn. You can practice any religion you wish to practice. You can speak out against me if you feel the need to, but I doubt you ever will. I have no reason to fear you, so I will never restrict your guns. Amurica is a beautiful place. Full of all of the freedoms a man could ever desire. I hope you’ll join me here.

There are just a few minor details I feel you should know about before you move here.

Nearly 50% of my countries population is in need of government assistance. So I’m going to need to go ahead and “borrow” just a small portion of your pay. It won’t be any extreme amount. Maybe, around 30%. That sounds fair right?  Well, of course if you make more than most of the other citizens of my country you should have to pay more. You didn’t work hard to get to where you are. You just magically became successful. Besides, you have so much money, it’s only right that you share it with everyone else! There are starving children in my country, and they need your help. I can’t trust in your charity. I’m going to have to take it from you. A lot of my country is going without healthcare. That’s simply unfair. Everyone should be entitled to healthcare.  I know how tough it is to find a job. So I’ll make sure that those who do work can pay for those who don’t want to work. Did I say don’t want to work? I meant unable to find suitable employment.  No, the tattoo on their forehead and a violent criminal history didn’t make them unemployable. It’s the corporations and their evil agendas. We have to help them! Who else is going to pay for them? Obviously you are going to have to. It’s only fair. Socialist? No. Equality.

“I thought you said you wouldn’t control our money.”

I never said that.

“But you said ‘Here, all are free to work and live. We will not control your money’”.

I never said that.

 

Also, I believe in the right to practice the religion of your choice freely. Well, as long as it isn’t offensive. And by offensive I mean Christianity. Not everyone believes in God. We shouldn’t be forcing our beliefs on everyone else. Don’t say Merry Christmas in my country. We shouldn’t offend those among us who don’t celebrate that holiday. God, I mean, Allah forbid you mention Jesus in a school. Those poor children. Think about the children! But otherwise you should be good to go. Did you know a little over a decade ago we had a horrible terrorist attack? A few Muslim extremists flew helicopters into the triplet towers! Also called the Universal Trade Center. They killed many people. But we were cool with that. We sent a bunch of troops overseas with no mission, no plan, and nowhere near the resources and support they needed to find those who committed these acts of terror. Eventually they found the mastermind behind it. I took credit for that. I think I was golfing when it happened. Or maybe vacationing in Hawaii. We all know it couldn’t have happened without my dedicated leadership. Meanwhile, on the homefront, we built a beautiful mosque at ground zero! Isn’t freedom of religion great?!

 

“God help us.”

Don’t say that.

“But you said ‘. You can practice any religion you wish to practice’”

I never said that.

 

Obviously it’s only fair to allow a right to peacefully assemble. I mean, if the government is getting out of control, you deserve to tell us! But if you do, we’re going to target you financially. We will do everything we can to stop you from speaking out against us. But no one will ever know. Well it wasn’t ME that tried to stop you! It was THEM! I didn’t even know about it. I was probably playing basketball. Or vacationing in Hawaii. I’ll be keeping records of your phone calls and internet use as well. But don’t worry, it’s all for your protection. Did you know we’ve prevented numerous terrorist attacks with this technology? Never mind what happened in Bostonia. I was on vacation when it happened anyway.

 

“But I thought we were allowed to peacefully protest”

You are.

“Then why are you spying on us and targeting specific conservative groups?”

We’re not.

“But you said…”

I never said anything about that.

 

I can understand the importance of people having guns. But come on now, do you REALLY need them? I mean, I’ll protect you! Besides, taking away your guns will make you safer! Never mind the fact that in every instance of gun control throughout history violent crime increased after the ban. That’s all conservative gibberish. Merely propaganda, and you’re too smart to believe all that, right? You don’t need assault rifles or high capacity magazines. WE have those! You trust us. Don’t you?

 

“If you have all the guns, doesn’t that mean we are left defenseless?”

No. We would never harm you. Unless you try to speak against us.

“But you said we were allowed to protest!”

You are.

“But you’ll harm us if we do!”

No I won’t.

“But you said you would.”

I NEVER SAID THAT

 

I NEVER SAID THAT

 

I NEVER SAID THAT

 

 

 

 

 

……sound familiar? Welcome to the United States of America.