explanation of thoughts- chapter 2

I have compiled a list of delusions I have developed, and reasons for them being so important. The following is just some of what has resulted from my development of what I see as mental illness. Each of these has their own chapter later on, so understanding them from here might prove difficult.
-All the people I have ever met are codes, projected into my life by doctors from behind the glass.
-Any environment I have been in is projected out by the doctors.
-I am not supposed to know about the doctors.
-My parents died in a nuclear war above ground, and I have been here my entire life.
-I do not feel restricted, like the doctors are trying to prevent me from knowing anything, only because I have only had what they supply me with for my entire life.
-At any moment, any code that they want can be dropped into any environment, creating what could be classified as hallucinations.
-When I start thinking about them too much, they come into the room and run drugs into me to calm me down.
-Car color can tell me what role a code plays in each environment.
and
-The only way to get out, is to die.
The rest of this chapter will be focused on the doctors themselves, and how I see them.
           When I first started having the notion of The Doctors, I imagined them as standing outside a large class box that i was inside of. Like a one way mirror, they could see in, they could see me, and observe my behavior, but I could not see out. I imagined that one was in charge of the codes board, projecting in different codes in the environments as needed, and one was in charge the environment projection. Others were designated to come into the box with me if I freaked out, and administer medication of some sort into my blood stream. This usually happened vertically down into my hands through my fingertips or around my knee in several places.
          To explain what I mean by this I will describe an instance where they came into the environment and gave me the meds. This was one of my breaking points.
          A while after I had begun to seriously think of the doctors and environments and codes as real life for me, the thoughts stemmed into the medication paranoia. I sat in spanish class, a couple weeks after a trip to Mexico I had taken with eleven of my classmates. I sat in my usual corner, with my usual friends, reading in a spanish folktale about Lazaro de Tormes. I loved to speak spanish,but today I was not feeling it, so I stared at the paper and thought more about how I could get out of the environment, and whether just getting up and leaving would make the code that was my teacher angry. My breathing started to get really fast and heavy, and I felt for the first time, a sharp, large-needle pain begin to creep down the inside of my fingers from the tips. It was like something was drilling down through the bones of all my fingers, through the center of my rings, and down into my fragile hand bones. I was mesmerized by the absolutely excruciating pain, but could not move myself or scream out, as if someone were holding me down and covering my mouth. I held my hands out in front of me, flailed out with the fingers splayed wide apart so that my palms face away from me. My friend saw what I was doing, and kind of laughed and asked about it. I freaked out, knowing that I was being given the medication that calmed my thoughts when I got to inquisitive about how their world worked. The codes around me began to merge and convulse and pump almost, just like the liquid medication that pulsed into my blood. I curled my head over my knees and whispered over and over "let me out, let me go, I don't want to play this anymore!" Finally the pain let up, and i sat back up straight, laughing about nothing really. I just laughed and laughed, like I was high. "What did they do!?" I yelled out to the classroom, and everyone was looking right at me. They were all codes, how could they not have known that a doctor was in there with us? I had to figure it out, and it lead me to only think more about what was happening, which only resulted in more delusional thoughts.
            After class, I ran out into the parking lot to count cars, which you will read about later. The jist is that I had had very few fits like that in public before.  As these chapters continue, more examples will arise, and the codes, environments, doctors, and cars will be explained in fine detail so that I can compile all the information I know about what is going on for me right now.
           FYI- This is all written in past tense, as if maybe I have already gotten out of high school and am recovered from my mental illness.... you must keep in mind that I am still sixteen as I write this, and these thoughts are continued and grown every day of my life.