Loop (The begining)

The beginnings of what I hope to be a time travelling thriller...

Prologue

It was overcast and he could see the sun as it started to break over the horizon. He was on a sailboat… The breeze that blew off the water tousled his auburn hair. The boat was rocking mildly and he could make out the smell of sea-weed in the salty air. The sails were filled by a steady wind as the ship rose and fell against the current.  Where was he going again?.... He couldn’t remember...

what was that sound?…

buzz buzz…

It was getting louder…

BUZZ BUZZ…

BUZZ...BUZZ...BUUUUUUZZZZZZZ

Daron’s arm slid against his bed sheets… He could feel their welcomingly soft texture as the alarm on his night stand buzzed. Groggily, he made his way to the opposite end of the room where he kept the now deafening piece of machinery and pressed his palm against the large rectangular shaped snooze. He felt like making his way back into bed but that was more work than he was willing to do at the moment. So instead he just stood there, eyes closed swaying back and forth as his half asleep mind tried to keep him on his feet.

He felt like he was forgetting something… He always felt that way however and began to dismiss the feeling… Had he forgotten something? He started to check off his normal routine. It was Saturday. He and Alaine would walk to the park together. Afterwards, they would make breakfast and talk; keeping each other up to date on their daily going on’s. He would then read through and edit his journal correcting any mistakes. He prided himself in keeping meticulous notes. Besides, it also gave him a chance to think critically about the data he had collected while at work.

Next, he considered any plans that he might've made with their friends. They had a few friends in the neighborhood. He avoided them for the most part. You never knew who to trust these days. Since the government enacted the Public Partnership for a Better Future Act; neighbor had been pitted against neighbor and you could never really trust anyone these days. The Wilsons next door had been outed as members of the Provinciairy. They had been taken away and in times like these you could not afford to cast any suspicion.

He thought harder but nothing was coming to mind… His memory was always a fickle thing. He found that he was more adept at remembering facts and picturing in his head relationships between his work as a scientist and the world around him; than his ability to keep track of engagements or people's names.

Suddenly pain started to pulsate from the right side of his head. He started to lightly pull the hair nearest the pain hoping that would numb it. Instead, the pain started to grow more intense. The pain came in waves and would oscillate from sharp to dull. He yelled out. Pictures and sensations started to flood his thoughts. He tried to process what he was seeing… There was a girl, she was important somehow. She had red hair... deep red like the petals on freshly cut roses. Her dimples... Who was she? The image flashed and then he could hear screaming (was he screaming?)... More images, sounds, tastes and feelings flooded his thoughts. He fell to the ground. His limbs had started to seize as his head hit the edge of the nightstand a line of blood rolling down his face.

Alaine

Alaine had gotten up from bed before Daron as she always had. She used the coffee machine in their kitchen to put a pot on. She then put away the dishes that sat in the rack next to the sink and hand washed her favorite cup that she had left sitting out on the table the night before. The cup read in large letters MALE TEARS. She was not sure if she identified as a feminist but she did like the idea of putting her man in check. She felt that despite how intelligent and thoughtful Daron could be he could still forget to do some of the most basic things around the house. She therefore took it upon herself to correct her man, whenever she had the chance. She had thought long and hard about putting a ring on his finger and truly making him hers… but the timing was just not ideal… Since the war started people's lives were getting put on hold. Daron for example: had to leave his corporate science gig because the government conscripted him into their service. As a scientist in the corporate world he had mainly focused on testing and bringing new products into market. He was working on who knows what now.

She heard the loud buzzing sound from their bedroom. His alarm was going off. He had placed it across the room so that he would be forced to get up. She had seen him a dozen times walk to the other end of the room, turn it off and stand there as if asleep while remaining perpendicular to the bedroom floor. She heard him grunt in pain. “Daron… honey you ok?” she called out.

She heard a crash… and quickly moved to the door. She opened the door to see Daron seizing on the floor… his limbs were shaking and blood was streaming down his face.

“Daron!” She cried as she quickly moved to him. She held the back of his head to keep it from banging against the nightstand. He soon stopped seizing and lay unconscious. She didn’t know what to do… She stood mouth wide and then ran to get a rag from the bedroom closet.

She knew their was little she could do for him. Since the government instated martial law and medical resources were scarce triage had taken effect at every hospital around the country. They taxed heavily any citizen who made use of these facilities and highly discouraged their use and were only intended for the wealthier populous, soldiers, and high ranking officials. Daron did work for the government true… but he was just a scientist. If she did take him to the hospital and they could not pay for his treatment (if he was treated at all) she would be imprisoned and forced to work off her debt in a labor camp. She sat next to him and started to cry as she held the rag she had gotten to the gash on the side of his head.

Author's Note

Hey! I had this crazy dream last night... where out of my mind popped a time travelling thriller... Here are the beginnings of what I hope to be an exciting adventure. Let me know what you think.

Reviews

[Octavia]

First of all, I love how much action is in this scene already. The pace is much faster than your earlier work and I was drawn in almost immediately. I feel like the first paragraph might need a better hook... perhaps we get a glimpse of Daron's last dream?

I feel like you have a perfect opportunity for some dialog here. When I write scenes like this (and I've written a few) I always try to think about what I would do. And the first thing I would do if my boyfriend was on the floor is probably say his name and try to get him to respond to me. Even if he can't talk back, her nervous chatter can break up the block text of explaining the medical situation. I also feel like her emotions would show up as physical sensations as well. My brain doesn't state that it is alarmed. Rather, I know because my heart lurches in my chest or my stomach clenches. I feel the sweat start on my palms or my breathing gets ragged and fast. If the character is experiencing distress, let us feel the symptoms with her. It will make the reaction more real to the reader.

I do like the fact that you've made the leap into a different world. That makes things interesting. I always like "what if" senarios.

I am eager to read more of this little scene! I like the set up you have already. There were a few grammar typo's (like the first word should have an apostrophe for the possessive) but it's a first draft so it didn't bother me much.

Thanks so much for sharing! I look forward to seeing the rest of this as it grows!

[miahstr]

Hey Ocavia!
Thank you! Again you really provide some very constructive incite! I had an interesting dream about time travel and I saw all of these different characters as if I was on the outside looking in. I woke up and realized that the dynamic of my dream was really interesting and left a lot of room to play. I am still trying to write my other story but I couldn't stop myself from at least putting one or two of these characters down on paper. Again my dialogue skills are a bit lacking and I am constantly stuck in my own head lol. I think I will take your advice to break up the world building with a little bit more action and dialogue with Alaine. I feel at this point you should be getting paid as an editor lol. I hope that I can do more in regard to your own work (which I look forward to seeing more of). If you were not soo far away I would suggest that we grab coffee. As always I appreciate your input!
Love
Miahstr

[miahstr]

Hey Octavia!
I took your advice! Let me know what you think. I put a bit more world building in this piece and hope it intrigues you.

[Octavia]

Yes! This helped a lot. I was pulled in much more quickly by the dream and the dialog helped the end feel much more natural. Nice work!

[Paul]

Documentation
11/29/17
4:00 PM U.S. CST
My Review of "Loop (the beginning): Prologue"
For: miahastr, a fellow member of the Review 4 Review Group (www.writerscafe.org)
by PB Jacobs

My Introduction:
Hey, Dude (male or female, I dude here and there, either way). I'm writing this introduction to help you get to know me, and feel welcome with my reviews and review style. No need to trip. It's me, kinda. I'm a Grade School Maynard, and I'm 46 years old. I muft pufted (I'm the author of "The Land of Muft Puft," and to muft puft is to move something.) from writing.com, sort of, and I was (and still could be) a top reviewer there. I'm a conversational reviewer, as I like to blabber off at the keyboard as if I'm having a one-sided conversation with my reviewee. Essentially, I'm a just be myself reviewer, so do quiet your mind, kick back, if you can, and enjoy...

My Prologue Review
Well, you have a storyline draft going on, from what I can see. From my point of view, your prologue is a big block of generalized ice, waiting to be broken up. Dude, you gotta add more specifics. Here is an example. Your first few Prologue words "It was overcast," need expanding. I'm only typing this as I'm kinda thinking you might have to get the hang of my writing lingo. No need to worry, it's me! I will admit that I'm getting messed with, Astrally, as usual. One too many people try to figure me out, and because they don't, I get messed with even more. Grade School Maynard, here...

Now back to "It was overcast." Instead of the usual "retard writing critic" thing, I'll run this past you: What are you seeing, mental-picture-wise within as you write your story? I wouldn't try to describe your mental picture. I'd just write naturally about it, instead. If you try to get yourself right, you will probably get lost in your own mental shuffle. Just be yourself, but open your "more awake to the rest of you self." Write from the natural you, and not what you think is the natural you. You might have to dig through a few things to get what I mean, as in some dude Psychologist's "Generativity vs. Stagnation" Theory. Some of you on this website seem a tad stagnant, no offense. I'll help out!

I guess I gotta: www.paulgrantharperheggie.webs.com

You might get a kick out of this website! Enjoy, and who know's, you might just kind of chuckle!

I'm leaving off here, review-wise, but do remember that I can always pop in to review. It's my first Writer's Cafe review, and yes, I'm just getting my keyboard wet. Sure, I might kind of create a different impression, but I'm trying not to freak people out too much. No need to worry or freak out about the rating I gave you. Your'e just getting your story straight, from what I can see...

PB Jacobs

[Wolf_Lord]

A very auspicious beginning... Kudo's... Keep it up.
Wolf ,'', ^@@^ ,'', PS... Some of my best writings have come from crazy dreams as well... and if I am not mistaken, we share that in common with Stephen King.