Baby

I don't know if I can have children
If I could I would have already had a positive test
Deep down I pray to a God I don't even believe in to give me a baby
But even deeper then that prayer I know I can't have any
Most my friends have kids now
I sit and weep over the thought
One friend always says you will never understand how it feels when a child does something...... I guess she's right I never will
I've prepared myself through and through for a baby but none has been granted
It makes me sad to know that one day when my parents ask for grandchildren I will not be the one to provide them with it
All I crave is the feeling to be wanted.... No needed
To have that closeness that no other person could feel with a smaller human
I want to be the teacher
I want to be the fixer
And yes I even want to be the bad guy
Because in the end it will be worth every back breaking moment that accrued during that time
My name is mariah and I'm not fertile...