Ex-Boyfriend

My heart skipped a beat when I heard him arose. After which I can feel my heart pounding. It's pounding in fear, for some reasons unknown to me. He's an ex-boyfriend, but why did I feel as if he is going to eat me alive. Being an intuitive person, I could feel his burning hatred, anger and frustration towards me. I thought to myself, shouldn't I be the one angry instead, taking into consideration that he was the initiator of the break-up, and I was the one dumped. Shouldn't I be the one feeling angry and furious? Deep down I know the reason. Last night I had intruded into his house without his permission, using the spare key he had given me.

And had he moved on? Definitely. In what uses to be an empty room now stands a large treadmill. How he got it past the door of the bedroom is a mystery, seeing how huge it is. He used to use only one bathroom, and now he is using both, one for brushing his teeth and the other for shower. The room where I uses to sleep is still the laundry room, where the clothes are being hung to dry. And he's got a new beanbag in the living room. His blanket cover is still the one I bought for him. For this I feel secretly pleased. But things have changed, and he's moved on. My thoughts raced as I heard him getting ready for work, doing his usual routine of breakfast, tv-watching, washing up, before finally changing into his work clothes in the living room, where his bed is also located. He used to sleep just in the couch. He got the new bed because I was staying over, and he put it in the living room, inspired by the small studio apartment I used to rent, before moving in with him. We used to sleep togwther on that bed. And we had sex a few times on that bed. My throat felt twisted as I remembered the memories.

I thought I had finished with the crying. But remembering the sex, tears welles up in my eyes, and teardrops fell on my jeans, sitting up. I quickly wiped them away from my cheeks.

I came back to return the keys. Although I would be hoping he woukd still let me keep it. But the chance is slim.
And I came back to pay pilgrimage, of some sort. I had left the town and him in a hurry. I guess I want to see how he is doing. Is he worth me still liking him, or should I let him go... I just want to see him again. Because when I was with him, he made me a less selfish person. Because he cared for me, it filled my heart with warmness that I could not forget. Otherwise I was pretty much a selfish person, not good at socialising, hence having very few friends. I miss him, and also because I miss the person I became when I was with him.