If you never stared off into the distance. your life is a shame

sometime in may of 2001

i think upon request.. i am writing in larger font size .. listening to the hum of air purifiers at four hours till dawn... talking and phoning to the brother i miss.. via jazz air ways of soul-dom.. the be bop nighht time of my thought .. i was driving today.. heading toward topeka where all my posessions lie, where the cat that i love.. named after ella .. sits next to me ..young as i and just as hopeful.. hoping that i will be ok here in th cloulds of camel smoke and snare drum cascades,,,,millions of random thoughts are making my mornings foggy and restless...the peace of sleep has left recetly too.. i amke my time go by with mad pornographic visions of love and romance.. i lie there in - trance like - in silence.. holy time of torture.

i was recalling all the miracles that i shared with people this year = all the walks and times i ran away to cry... i remember the warmth of the sun that day i ran to lake clinton to shred the wedding photos i had held on to.. i remember the feel of the ancient wooden proch of 1017 indiana . . sitting in the glow of nightlight blue eyes...one am in the morning with laura...the crispness of everything new in life ...just tugging and taunting the nerves and fears within me...

.....my first black  outs came this last year. . the first signs of binges and crazy antics....my sad sordid beatitude...i have always wanted to be beatific...to be the silent hepster rampaging the downtown lawrence streets and relishing the balconies with confusion - whit- and wine...good music and companionship.......

...seeing all these old dreams of my nineteenth year of life...young . loved. sincere apartment on the top of ninth street..over looking the downtown from the large balcony on the second floor...the window open to the sounds of of my home town's breathing breezez...the days to me though are always vanished and lost and the evenings only stay in memory...yes when i feel alone i must think of the evenings...the wonderful canopy of night that shelters us from any reality... the the fan filled windows of east lawrence, the humming central air units of west lawrence.....where ever you go the laughter and the click of lighters and the clink of bottles....rolling and strolling downtown to grab a cup of coffee at the shop or a pint at a bar,,,, never finding understanding .....here in the calculated weekly univereses....i sat at times under trees that hugged me tighter than lovers..and grass taht was softer than any mattress  or womans skin.....there were drinks more tangible than god, and kisses that burned hotter than comets, astroids or suns....

naked in the miracle of youth, laughing strange rhythms in different times ...talking madnesss in the innoncence of being me...here in topeka i can reflect miles away  and stay here alone and safe with mothers and family....but i miss the smell of decaying kansas river..of camels and winstons and espresso . . .

i am looking now through dodays memories and i am thinking of all my angeled friends..of all of them i am looking for this girl in the mist of my thought...looking for walks in that lonely downtown...shared walks that lead to front doors and to love...to eyes that lock and unlock..only to rush back into each other again...the smell of a lover's skin and the sweetness of a lover's breath that is music while asleep together through midnights of may eternity...i am zipping...sipping ..past it all...dreaming and praying for a midnight heart....a hand and a feeling...to share....

Author's Note

egad...another love sick journal written while attending school at washburn university...staying on kansas avenue with my grandmother...in the large basement area....lots of solitude and privacy...time to listen to miles davis and sober up....type endlessssssly into the morning......god i miss being 22. . and then again i do not.

Reviews

[Hedra Helix]

old pict the? you still look 22 or like shia lebeauf, sp? names are weird.
anyway, this is the most connected accessable thing of yours ive read so far, not that you other work isnt strong, this just is just strong, natural, style solid and accessable to me IMHO. I was able to travel with you too. Which was nice.


I did an edit for you, left all misspellings that could in any way retain artistic merit, i know how that is, took out all the dyslexic stuff;)

i think upon request.. i am writing in larger font size�.. listening to the hum of air purifiers at four hours till dawn... talking and phoning to the brother i miss.. via jazz air ways of soul-dom.. the be bop nighht time of my thought .. i was driving today.. heading toward topeka where all my possessions lie, where the cat that i love.. named after ella .. sits next to me ..young as i and just as hopeful.. hoping that i will be ok here in the clouds of camel smoke and snare drum cascades,,,,millions of random thoughts are making my mornings foggy and restless...the peace of�sleep has left recently too.. i make my time go by with mad pornographic visions of love and romance.. i lie there in - trance like - in silence.. holy time of torture.
i was recalling all the miracles that i shared with people this year = all the walks and times i ran away to cry... i remember the warmth of the sun that day i ran to lake clinton to shred the wedding photos i had held on to.. i remember the feel of the ancient wooden porch of 1017 indiana . . sitting in the glow of nightlight blue eyes...one am in the morning with laura...the crispness of everything new in life ...just tugging and taunting the nerves and fears within me...
.....my first black� outs came this last year. . the first signs of binges and crazy antics....my sad sordid beatitude...i have always wanted to be beatific...to be the silent hepster rampaging the downtown lawrence streets and relishing the balconies with confusion - whit- and wine...good music and companionship.......
...seeing all these old dreams of my nineteenth year of life...young . loved. sincere apartment on the top of ninth street..over looking the downtown from the large balcony on the second floor...the window open to the sounds of of my home town's breathing breezez...the days to me though are always vanished and lost and the evenings only stay in memory...yes when i feel alone i must think of the evenings...the wonderful canopy of night that shelters us from any reality... the the fan filled windows of east lawrence, the humming central air units of west lawrence.....where ever you go the laughter and the click of lighters and the clink of bottles....rolling and strolling downtown to grab a cup of coffee at the shop or a pint at a bar,,,, never finding understanding .....here in the calculated weekly universes....i sat at times under trees that hugged me tighter than lovers..and grass that was softer than any mattress� or womans skin.....there were drinks more tangible than god, and kisses that burned hotter than comets, astroids or suns....
naked in the miracle of youth, laughing strange rhythms in different times ...talking madnesss in the innocence of being me...here in topeka i can reflect miles away� and stay here alone and safe with mothers and family....but i miss the smell of decaying kansas river..of camels and winstons and�espresso . . .
i am looking now through todays memories and i am thinking of all my angeled friends..of all of them i am looking for this girl in the mist of my thought...looking for walks in that lonely downtown...shared walks that lead to front doors and to love...to eyes that lock and unlock..only to rush back into each other again...the smell of a lover's skin and the sweetness of a lover's breath that is music while asleep together through midnights of may eternity...i am zipping...sipping ..past it all...dreaming and praying for a midnight heart....a hand and a feeling...to share....

hope thats cool.

carry on cat, nice to travel yer rant.