Snippet - Giving

Money isn't always the same thing to everybody.

“Here,” Abia said. His hand was extended towards me, his sleeve rolled up, and between his fingers was a little roll of green paper held together by a rubber band.

“What is it?” I looked closer at the object, noticing that it was not a whole piece of paper but rather several dozen slips wrapped around each other. The top one had green fives printed in the corners, and its edges suggested wear and much use.

Money?

“My dad gave this to me, it was a birthday present,” Abia decided. “I want you to have it.”

“I’m a robot, I don't need money.” I turned back to my work, picking up the screwdriver again.

“Yes you do,” he said. “Listen, it’s a present. For everything you’ve done and given to me.”

I looked up, focusing my cameras on him. “Payment?”

“I guess. Yeah, here.” He held out the wad of paper to me, smiling. I paused for a second before making up my mind, and going back to the board I was fixing.

“No,” I said, and Abia dropped his arm in exasperation. “Now you’re just making me feel bad, you know? How am I supposed to pay you back for-”

“You already did,” I said, glancing at the wad of green bills. I didn’t need them, nowadays people bought stuff electronically. Paper money was technically still in use, but devalued a great deal because nobody had any pockets to carry them around.

“Can you just take it and be done with it?” Abia pushed the money between me and the broken board, and I sighed.

“Listen, people kill themselves for that stuff. I don’t want it,” I told him, but he didn’t move. “Besides, it’s a present from your dad.”

“Exactly why I’m giving it to you,” he said. “I mean, because dad had it, not because people, you know… never mind.” He stuttered, and finally sank into silence. I finished twisting another screw, then glanced at him. He quickly caught my gaze, and opened his palm to offer me the rolled up bills.

Why was he doing that? If it was a heirloom -- because it technically was a heirloom -- why was he giving it away? And to me, of all people… Admittedly I was the only intelligent life form he has been talking to recently. But I still couldn’t just take it from him!

“No,” I said, speaking the one word as deliberately as possible.

“So, you don’t want it?” he asked, unsure.

“No, I don’t.”

“Fine,” he said, dropping the thick wad of money onto the couch, between us. If it was all fives, then that must be about three hundred dollars. What kind of person gave their son three hundred dollars just like that? The value was officially recognized by the state, even if paper money wasn’t prefered by citizens, and he could easily buy himself almost anything he wanted. If he weren’t biological, of course.

“How about you give it back to your dad? He’ll probably find a use,” I said, not really paying attention.

“My dad is dead.”

I look up at his face, trying to find any slight twitch to give away that he might be lying, but his face is stone cold. I look at the money again, then at him. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine.”

“How did it happen?”

“He had brain cancer, not that long ago,” Abia replied. “Died in his sleep.”

“Mhmm.” I went back to the board, making sure all the electronic pathways are clear. Abia pushed himself further into the couch, staring at the wall. The morning light combined with the flash of advertisements made a stark contrast to the shadow of his lips, and only then did it hit me.

“Isn’t cancer transferred genetically?” I set the board down to look at Abia. He nodded, not looking away from the wall, his eyes growing red. He knew. I frowned, looking at the small green wad of paper lying on the couch between us, and slowly picked it up.

Abia glanced at me without moving his head, tracked my hand as I lifted the money so he could see it.

“For safekeeping. I will take it for safekeeping,” I said, and the boy nodded to acknowledge my words.

Author's Note

Try to find style errors, if you can. I will probably rewrite this anyway, so I would benifit most from corrections to the way I write.

Reviews

[Zoli Fern]

I love this story! Even though the focus was on money throughout, I didn't get bored. You have a very good voice. Here are my notes:
-Loved the way you described the money, and I figured out what it was, so you could cut the line "Money?"
-Since he is a robot, I was looking for a hint to how his voice sounded. (I was picturing C-3PO from Star Wars)
-Line 8: "I turned back to my work and picked up the screw driver."
-Line 13: Abia's dialogue should have its own paragraph
-Line 16: Should be "buy", not "bought".
-Line 22: would read better if it was "Exactly. That's why I'm..."
-It's "an heirloom", not "a heirloom"
-I want to know more about the line, "If he weren't biological, of course".
-I loved the way you ended it! It was a really sweet way for the robot to accept the money, especially because he did it for Abia, not for himself.
Bravo! Keep up the good work. You have a lot of talent.

[Sean Reigner]

loved it! Especially Interesting, How slowly realized the perspective is from the A.I.
Obviously of advanced code, As he or "it" is having internal conversations
with "Itself" (Him). Way too much time spent on the money though. Have
more pointers if interested.

[Sage]

I could not figure out that the robot was a robot until it told so. I guess you've made it a tad too sentient. Plus, I totally understand the stubborn, strong willed mindset of Aiba as he is a bit more mature than his counterparts. He knows his death is already determined and that he wants the robot to have the money more as a reward than as a payment. Plus when the robot says 'People kill each other over that stuff, I don't want it.' It personalizes the robot a bit too much. At this point it sounds more like an old hermit than a robot. I understand that you intend the robot to be wise, but I believe you need to show it in other ways than in the speech.

The overall piece of story is amazing! I'm waiting for the rewritten and improved version!

[Archos]

Hey there! This is really professional. A great scene! So, a couple of tips:
- Stuff - I mention this often as you know - this word doesn't fit the robot very well IMO
- *an heirloom not a heirloom (I suppose?)
- my father is dead (it sounds a bit funny when the words rhyme in such a grave situation)
- I'd like to know if Abia can possibly need the money (if it is a sacrifice for him)
- I'd expect Abia to be embarassed by the robot's refusal to take it (perhaps to the extent of ressentment)

Overall, great job! I really liked this. I could imagine reading this in a published book. I especially liked the last sentence 'For safe keeping!'. It made me think of Tom Hardy and his charactristic,a bit oblivious, nod :D Thanks for sharing!

[Meeks]

Did I really... oh, yeah. I did. In my defense, 'stuff' really does work where it is, but I guess the charactarization is off again.
An heirloom, according to google. That must be the most annoying exception of all time. Shall fix, thanks for noticing.
Yeah, it does sound a bit wierd now that I look at it. But I think a simple 'He's dead' would probably be best. Its shorter, transmits more emotion because of that.

I guess Abia doesn't need the actual money itself. I was trying to kind of show that the money isn't actually money, it's a gift from Abia's parent. It's valuable because of that, not because the state recognizes it. In the end, that's why the robot took it. He wasn't taking money, he was taking a gift. Technically.

Other people had similar points to this one. Yeah, the boy's reaction might be a bit unrealistic, but I have no clue how embarrasment would look like in a scene like this.

Thanks for the review, I appreciate your help!

[TheMalady]

Okay, now I know who Abia is. First, I really thought that the name's a 'she'. I've enjoyed the situation. You've established the relationship between the two through the giving of money. From the perception of the boy, I couldn't tell at first if he was a robot except for the "camera" word. Though, I must say that he's almost human. Is there some kind of twist here of why the robot is acting like this? Looking forward to it.

Anyway, there is no wrong writing style. You can just freely write whatever style you want. :)

-Keep on writing. :)

[Meeks]

There's too many stories about poor girls being lost somewhere, so I'm trying to mix it up. Yeah, that name is pretty obscure.

Mm, I'm still deciding on how much to charactarize the robot. You don't want to be reading 1 and 0s, but this is a bit unrealistic. And I don't think it'll be a twist but more of a gradual turn towards a mkre human aspect of personality. But, again, not like this.

[TheMalady]

ahm, I see. That is truly interesting to see. I'm looking forward on how the robot will evolved into the humane character. But, then again maybe you could add a scene that made the robot to act like this in the story. Like an anecdote to explain why he's acting too humane? Also, if your could differentiate how he acts like a robot to the people close to him compared to strangers he is not acquainted with? Just a suggestion, though. :)

[Rafy T.Nym]

First of all, the description of the story is perfect. The dialogues are also organized, it helps the reader to think rationally.

I want focus on the character 'Abia'. I guess he is a young/teen boy, right? From my reading of the story, I think he wants to get rid of the money. As a young boy he should not be that much polite, it actually seems unnatural. The boy should be much stubborn and impose the money on the robot. If you want to keep him polite, it's alright. But, stubborn behaviour can be created in a 'polite form', that will make the story more 'adventerous' and create a contrast. The style flows perfectly, nothing wrong there. :-)

[Meeks]

Get rid of the money? That sounds like an interesting twist, but then I need a reason for that. Why would money be bad for a teenager (in a way that he notices)?

Do you think he sounds impolite with his insistency, or too polite? How would you even change that?
Thanks for the review. I appreciate your help.

[Rafy T.Nym]

I thought that he was trying to get rid of the money.My bad, I'm wrong, the money is actually a gift. In my opinion, Abia is polite, but it's completely your decision how you want to characterize him.

It's my pleasure if my review helped you.

[annalysiar]

The robot is too personal too humane I guess is the word I'm looking for. There is no sign of his dilemma from malfunction or anything like that. If he's a robot, or android he needs to be more monotone, even with his thoughts and the processing of the money and its meaning.

[Meeks]

I've been rethinking the storyline and charactarization recently. Think it sounds too human now? You're probably right, I'll take a look at it again.
Thanks for taking your time to read it, I appreciate your help!

[annalysiar]

No I'm glad to have read it. Yes, he sounds humane, caring. The storyline is great I love the plot and concept