Scouts Honor

Not what you think it's about.

Three fingers up

Pinky and thumb down

In the air

To down my throat

Fat filled food

Approaches my mouth

And falls to the bowl

I taste it still on my breath

The food that couldn't stay down

In fear of the numbers

It might add to the scale

As the scale number subtracts

I get happy

I feel like I have accomplished something

Accomplished something great

But all I'm doing is hurting myself

Without the scars

To fit the image

Of beautiful

So I can smile again

So I can be loved again

So I can love myself again

As I promise

To the pledge

I cry as I purge

In the horror of what I'm doing

But knowing nothing

Will be different

If I don't do it

As I feel helpless

And unloved

Then I position my head

Back in the bowl

And stand to scouts honor

Author's Note

Sorry if this was too graphic

Reviews

[Jordan's Back]

Sometimes Grapic is good, never be sorry for graphic content because allot of times its the only way to get a persons attention. The Old Binge and purge. I had the issue once, Its a horrible feeling to be looking in the mirror and try to live up to an expectation that is unreasonable. I got down to 90 lbs before I realized it.

The Truth is G-D Created everyone different for a reason. He wanted to show us that through Diversity, you can achieve Greatness. Its this Diversity and the ability to love ones-self is the true meaning of the word beautiful. Having to see yourself in the negative all the time, always brings negative results, Screw the Scouts honor and live your life for you, Then Let the Scouts kill themselves over the bowl.

Excellent write, and an awesome deep message of inner struggle.

[Bella]

Another one of yours that hits really close to home. I feel like we have a lot in common

[.Lost Soul.]

Yes, I think we do. I struggle with a lot of problems, as you can see.

[Bella]

As do I. Have u gotten help?

[.Lost Soul.]

For some. I just got out of rehab today for attempt of suicide, self-harm, eating disorders, and substance abuse. But I didn't really get better.

[.Lost Soul.]

Have you?

[Bella]

Yes. 2 months in eating disorder rehab and 3 months in a psychiatric hospital for attempted suicide, self harm, and substance abuse. much like you. I got out 3 months ago but go to therapist and a doctor once a week so they can check up on me. u know, full body checks, drug checks, weight checks. Stuff like that

[.Lost Soul.]

That is what I'm going to have to do now. I'm so scared. I can't do it. Ya know? Like, I'm not strong enough to fight this stuff. It's taken over my life. No, it is my life.

[Bella]

I know exactly how you feel. EXACTLY. I used to feel that way and sometimes I still do. To be honest, I'm still scared sometimes. I've slipped up a few times. Cut, taken too many pills, stuff like that. But i'm really trying to stay strong. Sometimes I miss it, honestly. I miss the cutting and the purging and the restricting. But its so hard to do it now with doctors watching over me like hawks. My life is getting better though. I get my demons out in my writing.

[.Lost Soul.]

I've been out for not even 24 hours but still was tempted to take the blade out of my pencil sharpener. I cannot believe how hard this is. And my demons radiate through my writing.

[Bella]

yes very true. I think ur struggles make your writing beautiful

[Bella]

It's raw, first hand, and from the heart

[.Lost Soul.]

Thank you, and as do yours. I can't wait until you put out more writing!

[Bella]

Thank you! i'm trying! hahaha I really can't wait to read your next piece. I really wish you luck in your recovery. Just remember you are so beautiful (and i know this because I just looked through your pictures), and if i can do it, so can you.

[.Lost Soul.]

Thank you so much. And you are too. You deserve to win this battle.
If you ever need to talk, just message me :)

[Bella]

I will deff do that. U deserve it just as much as I do! :)

[.Lost Soul.]

Okay :) And thanks you :)

[C.C. Marx]

Starved myself before, just anted to lose a few pounds. Then a few became 5 then 10 and soon my "diet" was an obsession I could barely control. I knew I needed to stop. can't say I'm proud of what I did or that it was easy stopping it but it wasn't worth it in the end. Nice write

[.Lost Soul.]

It becomes more of an addiction. Did you recover?

[C.C. Marx]

I have for the most part, but there are days when I find myself counting calories all over again, wrote a poem about it, theres just so much pressure to be skinny you know?

[.Lost Soul.]

Of course. I see all these people who are very skinny and have inches of thigh gaps and I just...I just want it.

[C.C. Marx]

Exactly or feel pretty when I wear a bikini and not self conscious, and it doesn't help I basically grew up with my older brother calling me fat because he knew how self conscious I was

[.Lost Soul.]

Precisely. And that's awful your brother would do that. I had a boyfriend who did that. It was horrible.

[C.C. Marx]

Ya he has like the metabolism of a marathon runner so hes always been skinny where as I've always been a few more pounds than I liked and he knew it bothered me so that's why he did it. Im so sorry your bf did that o you, I know how you feel

[Amandaaa Caroline (:]

I really like this... It's so powerful. You talk about achieving society's general image of beautiful, but not the actual definition.. Being you.

I think a lot of people experience the feeling of never feeling content with themselves and their weight.. Always wanting to be skinnier, and going to extreme measures to achieve it.

This is a really powerful, emotional, and deep message that you're portraying in this.. Beautiful job with this piece.

[Conor Larkin]

It was really the graphic nature of the piece that made it so great; it wouldn't have been nearly as good without the close, personal detail. Great job, it was fantastic!

[Phillitup]

Wow...I really, honestly have no other words to describe this particular writing. Often times I have much to say in suggestion. The hurt portrayed in this poem is real, the self-destruction true and known to many people. Graphic is fine because most people have felt like this. Just because we hate ourselves doesn't mean that other people don't love us. We must accept ourselves in our natural state, without artificial beauty and the horror of self consciousness. It's sad, what we humans, see in and about ourselves that others don't. The bad we see, often doesn't exist. This has a deep message, but it's very experienced by everyone. The words I lacked only moments ago I found in the realization of the darkness in this very poem. We must never tear ourselves down because we never know who loves us the way we are.

This was a strong write, keep up with your good work!

[ICantSayIDo]

Graphic is to show the reader the true sight of this.
I like your work. I believe that you can work through this. I know how hard it is to stop. I would know. I have problems. Many. And you know...Most of them. A few you don't know. Which I shall tell when I can. I wish to hear more graphic things, for it lets me picture what your are telling me.

[.Lost Soul.]

Awwwwww thanks

[Ban Heo]

I love the first stanza. I feel like what is working in this poem is that you are not giving anything away, but the reader knows what it's going to be about. The image of those two fingers down and those three fingers up is so beautiful. I would like to see that kind of clever writing in the other 2 stanzas as well. Great poem over all.

[Con O'Clast]

Very honest, I love the 'scouts honor', very interesting image to use. I've dealt with bulimia before, I applaud your courage for being able to write about, I hope you find respite in poetry :)

[.Lost Soul.]

Thank you :) I was told I needed an outlet so writing is my outlet lol

[Kelsey]

A very powerful piece with a lot of heart behind it. Kudos to you, beautiful, for writing about such a personal thing. I really hope you overcome it, and if you need anything at all, as I've told you before, I'm here. Stay strong, gorgeous, and come out of this even stronger. You have a talent when it comes to writing. Keep it up. xo

[.Lost Soul.]

Thanks :)

[Kelsey]

You're very welcome, lovely :)

[Mark Emerson]

That was good really good it was right on the money the way you described it it sound so real well it is real lol