Yuki Nakamura

A nonfiction story between me and my first loved one that happened a long time ago. A tragic story. Those who have lost a loved one to cancer will relate.

Yuki translated into English means snow. When she was born on December 28, 1995, it had begun to snow soon after her birth. Her parents decided to name her Yuki. Born and raised in Tokyo, Ikebukuro. A “ghetto” part of Tokyo, I guess you could say. But it was her home, and she loved it nonetheless. From the light night screeching noises caused by illegal races throughout the area, to the loud traffic noise you could hear throughout the day. It’s always so crowded and every single person out here seems to have such busy lives that no one ever has any time for themselves. Despite all of Ikebukuro’s flaws, Yuki still loved this city… And so did I, to some degree.

She was 16 when it had all happened, and I had just turned 15. When it came to her personality, she was pretty rough around the edges. She acted like a tomboy, is what I’m trying to say. She was pretty touchy compared to the other girls. She liked to push and shove her friends and companions like she was just one of the guys. She wasn’t really interested in what girls were interested at her age. She was more into stuff like what boys were into. Anime and video games was more of what she liked. So because of that, all the boys at her school had a crush on her; on top of her already being physically attractive. She was fairly tall for a Japanese girl her age. I’d say she was about five foot eight. I had stopped growing at the age of 15, so I based her height off of mine. I’m only five foot five. Her hair wasn’t long, but it was long enough that she liked to keep her hair in a ponytail. She didn’t wear makeup, but she still looked very pretty.  I know she’d scold me for saying this if she was still around, but she had a very nice figure as well. Which made many of the girls in her class jealous, as well as many more guys trying to hit on her.

I was 13 years old when I first met her. It was the beginning of summer break for the Japanese students. I visit Japan every summer back then to visit my sisters’ place for a week and see how the family is doing. My family in Japan paid for the ticket, of course. It was Saturday afternoon and I was out by myself. Since everyone else was out either hanging out with friends, or at some job, there was nothing to do back at my sisters’ home, so I decided to just walk around the city for awhile. I had the equivalent of 30 US dollars of yen in my pocket, so I had a good amount of money to keep me distracted for the whole day. It was pretty hot outside, so I wanted to find a place to cool down and relax at quickly. I came across my local net cafe and decided to waste a couple of hours there. (For those of you that don’t know what a net cafe is, it’s a place where it’s full of computers people can use and gain access to the internet and play online games, but at a cost.)

As I was walking in, I saw a girl who looked slightly older than me playing MapleStory. Some new classes had just come out for the Asian servers and the US servers, and she had already gotten that new class to a very high level. My curiosity overpowered my shyness and awkwardness (which happens very rarely), and I decided to confront her. I don’t want to bore you with all the nerdy details of what we talked about, so I’ll just say we were able to talk to each other comfortably after only 5 minutes of conversation. It wasn’t exactly the most romantic first encounter in the world, but no matter what we talked about, the familiarity we had between the two of us made me feel like I’ve known her for years before this encounter. We’d decided to go somewhere to eat together and hang out at the arcade a bit afterwards. We were already calling each other by our first names after a couple of hours of hanging out. (When you call someone by their first name in Japan, it means that you’re family members, really close friends, or going out with each other.)

I didn’t have much friends in Japan at that time because most of my friends had either moved away, or we’ve grown apart after awhile. It was nice finally finding someone whom I could talk to and hang out regularly while in Japan. We both decided to call it a day and went back home. Turns out, she didn’t live too far from my sisters’ place. When I went back to my sisters’ house that night, it had finally dawned on me. I was in love with this girl. I didn’t fall in love with girls as easily as I did with her. This “love” felt so much different, though. The kind of love where you finally have meaning for living. The kind of love where you ignore anyone and anything except for the one you’re in love with. For those of you that have experienced that kind of love, you know what I’m talking about. I was smart enough to know that she was way out of my league, though. I also didn’t want to ruin the new friendship I currently had with her, so I just mainly kept my feelings to myself.

I spent the rest of my vacation in Japan hanging out with Yuki everyday. With each day, I’d fall in love with her more. I wanted to tell her how I really felt more and more with each day I hung out with her. But as much as I wanted to tell her, my fear would get the best of me. I really did cherish the friendship we had. Also, confessions are a huge deal with teenagers in Japan. Compared to young teens in America, asking someone to go out with you wasn’t that big of a deal. When you plan on confessing to some popular boy or girl in Japan, you have to figure out an elaborate way to confess to them without anyone else finding out. Otherwise, you’re a target for being made fun of by the whole school if you got rejected. A laughingstock, if you will.

My vacation had ended so I had to say all my farewells to everybody and head home. That also meant saying goodbye to Yuki. We both had said our farewells to each other and agreed to keep in touch online. We had also both promised to see each other again next time I came over. It was a bittersweet feeling because I had finally found a close friend in Japan, but only shortly after finding her, having to be apart for a long time.

I had visited Japan multiple times throughout the next two years. Each time, I was always staying at my sisters’ place. Always seeing my relatives and spending time with them. Always meeting up and hanging out with Yuki. And at the end, always saying the bittersweet farewells before I go home and dreading the amount of time being away from this wonderful country, and my wonderful friend Yuki. I’d always feel jet lagged, but seeing Yuki every time I went always put me in a better mood, completely ignoring the fact that I was fatigued on the airplane rides to Japan. I had always looked forward to going to Japan, and I had even started to love Ikebukuro and all of its imperfections.

It was Christmas of 2011. Usually, I would visit Japan during our school’s winter breaks, but my family had decided that I stayed home for this year. I had decided to call Yuki greet her for Christmas, and New Year’s. I had also decided to call her to tell her happy birthday, since her birthday was on the 28th of December. I had called several times on her phone, but she didn’t answer. I then called her house hoping that maybe one of her relatives would pick up. There was no answer after 4 calls, either. My mind began racing. The last thing I want for Christmas was the thought of something bad happening to Yuki. I just hoped that she was busy having a good time since it’s Christmas and all.

Then came her actual birthday. I received a phone call from her older brother. She didn’t live with her parents. She lived with her parents because they didn’t want anything to do with Yuki. I can’t really get into the reasons why, they’re very personal reasons that I feel like I don’t have the right to share with anyone.

“Hello, Nakamura-san?”

“Masaru-san?” (Masaru is my step-mom’s last name. It’s what everyone addresses me by in Japan, if they weren’t on a first name basis with me.)

“Yes, speaking?”

“Listen, Masaru-san. I’ve got some bad news. Are you busy right now?”

I was in my bedroom just typing some plot ideas for my novel. So obviously, I was on my free time. His tone was very serious. Judging by the current situation, I had expected the bad news to be about Yuki.

“No, I’m not busy right now. What’s the bad news?” I said in a quieter voice than when I answered the phone.

“Yuki… has lung cancer.”

My heart stopped and I couldn’t breath. I gulped very audibly.

“W-what? Are you serious?” My voice was trembling, and my breathing became shallow.

“Very. I knew she had some breathing problems, but I never anticipated she had something like lung cancer in her. It got pretty bad a few days before Christmas, so I decided to bring her to the doctor’s for a check up. They did several tests and x-rays on her, and they found pools of liquid - which was cancer - in her lungs. They drained some of it out through minor surgery, but they can’t get rid of all of it without damaging her lungs. If we had caught it several months earlier, then this wouldn’t be too big of a problem, but…” He paused for a moment.

“But… what…?” My eyes started to well up with tears. I sat down on the side of my bed and looked at the ground. I couldn’t even see the ground clearly enough because of all my tears. I had my right hand’s fingers run through my hair, and my left hand was gripping my phone tightly enough that my left hand was trembling.

“It’s become terminal… She has about four to five months left to live.” I could hear him start to sob slightly through the phone. He paused again and started to speak.

“I-I’ve tried to convince her to get some chemotherapy done so that her life expectancy can be extended, but she just refused. I asked her for the reason why, and she said that it wouldn’t really make too much of a difference if the end result would be the same. Just like how Yuki is, she doesn’t seem to be phased by her current situation at all. I try to see her as much as possible when I’m off work, but I can’t be there for her all the time. Some of her friends have come by, brought her things, and tried to lighten the mood.” His sniffles and trembling voice became very apparent through the phone.

“W-why a-are you telling me all of this?” At this point, I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my face. I tried wiping my face with my shirt and hand, but the tears wouldn’t stop coming. My breathing became staggered and I could feel myself getting an immense headache.

“S-she says she wants to see you one last time. I know you live in the US, but is there ANY way you can see her before she… passes?”

I froze up. She wanted to see… me? Her smiling face showed up in my mind for a brief moment. Then I began to think. Winter break was already almost finished, so there was no way I could visit Japan and come back before school started again. My next vacation would be in spring. But I had nowhere near enough money to go back to Japan. There was one way, though…

“Y-yeah, I’ll make it happen. I’ll definitely see her before she… I’ll see her in my next vacation which is in the beginning of April. Just please tell her to hang in there until then, o-okay? O-oh, and tell her I said happy birthday.”

“I will, and that’s good to hear… I just hope it’s a promise you can keep. She’ll be happy to hear this. Thank you so much.”

“It’s the least I can do… f-for a friend like her.”

“A-alright, well I’ll see you then. Bye bye.”

“Bye.”

The call was dropped. I gathered my thoughts. I went to the bathroom and washed my face with cold water. I turned the sink off, and it had finally dawned on me that I still had to think of a way to get to Japan even though I was short on money. I couldn’t get the money by myself, so there was only one way to acquire the money for the plane ticket. My older sisters. Half of the time when I go to Japan, they pay for either all of the ticket, or at least a good amount of it, but all of those times where on their behalf. It’s difficult for me to ask them on my own accord for the money, but I’m sure they’d understand once I explain the situation to them.

It was finally spring break. I had scheduled my flight to leave right at the of that school day where my break had started. I had not gotten any sleep the night before, so I was just planning on catching some sleep on the flight there. I was both so excited and anxious to go back to Ikebukuro. Excited to go back to Japan and see my other family and friends that lived over there. It’s so beautiful around spring when the cherry blossoms start falling from the trees. I’m anxious because I have no idea how to talk about this whole situation to Yuki once we actually get there. I agreed to myself that I won’t bring up her situation unless she brings it up first.

I had finally arrived at the airport in Tokyo. Yuki’s older brother was coming to pick me up. I didn’t want to waste anytime visiting my sisters’ place, so I decided to head straight for the hospital Yuki was residing at. Other than the greetings we exchanged when we saw each other at the airport, the drive to the hospital were spent in complete silence.

We had finally arrived at the hospital. I didn’t want to leave my luggage at the car, so I decided to bring it with me instead. She was at the third floor. I could see her room halfway down the hall. I stood in one place for a moment as the elevator door closed behind.

“Well, are you coming or not? She’s really been wanting to see you, you know.”

“Y-yeah… I’m coming.”

I walked up slowly towards her room. All the noises around me like the hurrying and loud chatter of nurses, the beeps of all the heart rate monitors, to even my own heartbeat began to drown out in my mind. We were right in front of her room.

“H-hey… can you uh… can you introduce me in? I don’t want to drop in unannounced and catch her off gaurd.”

“Ugh, you serious?” He scoffed and then scowled at me.

“Yes, please.” I said in a quieter voice.

“Alright, fine.”

He took a deep breath and then walked in the room. The door was halfway open, so I could hear what he’s saying.

“Hey, I’m back!” He said in a cheerful voice to Yuki.

“Hooray! Did you bring anything for me?”

I put my right hand over my mouth. I was so happy to hear her voice, and in a tone that hasn’t changed since we last met.

“Yeah, I did bring something. Someone, actually.”

“Huh?”

“Come on in, Masaru-san.”

I slowly walked into her hospital room with and took my first look of Yuki while she was on her hospital bed. She definitely seemed skinnier than before, but that is to be expected. Her face lit up as soon as I walked in.

“Masaru-kun!” She shouted at me and she opened her arms for me, signaling for a hug.

I put down my bag and luggage and walked towards the side of her bed and gave her a hug. When I held her, she felt so brittle. I didn’t want to embrace her too tightly, so I just gently held her in my arms for a little while.

“Wow, Masaru-kun! I only just now realized how wide your build is!” She said while we were still in each others’ embrace.

“I missed you…” Yuki whispered into my ear.

“I missed you too…” I said trying to hold back my tears.

We let go of each other and I sat down on a chair that was next to her bed.

“Alright, while you two catch up, I gotta get to work.” Her older brother said while looking at the both of us.

“Okay, take care!”

“Yeah, take care, and thanks for picking me up and dropping me off here! I can handle getting to my sisters’ place from here on my own.” I didn’t really wanted to bother her brother anymore than I have.

“Well, I’m off. Oh, and Masaru-san?”
“Yeah?”

“Take care of imouto-chan (younger sister) for me, okay?”

“A-ah… right! Leave it to me! I can handle things from here.”

“Geez! You’ll be late for work! Go on!” Yuki said while blushing.

I chuckled as he left the room. We were then left with only the two of us in the room.

“It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?”

“It sure has.” She said with that familiar smile I loved so much.

We both talked and talked for hours as if we haven’t even seen each other for decades, when we’ve only last met no more than a year ago. It didn’t feel like the meetup was a somber one at all. Her mood and personality hasn’t changed at all since I last met her. It’s as if she wasn’t even affected by cancer at all except for her physical appearance. Knowing her though, she was probably just hiding her fears. Which was one thing she was good at.

Before we knew it, it was already night time. That was my signal to start heading to my sisters’ place.

“Well, I gotta start heading out now before it gets too late. I’ll come back here first thing in the morning, okay?”

I stood up from the chair that was beside her bed, but before I could even walk away from her range, she quickly grabbed my shirt.

“Huh?”

“Please don’t leave me alone. I get really lonely and scared in the hospital at night. I know I’m being selfish, but you’re the only one I know I can ask of this. All my friends are busy with school ending and whatnot, and onii-san is always busy with work. So could you… please?”

Her eyes were already welling up with tears.

“Man, that’s no fair. You can’t give me that look. How would I be able to say no?” I said jokingly.

She chuckled a bit and let go of my shirt.

“Thank you… This means a lot.” She said while she had her head down.

“Hey, I’ve got nothing else to do.”

I put the chair I was sitting on facing towards her bed so that I can lean my elbows on the bed.

“So what have you tried to do to keep yourself occupied in here?”

“Not much, really. I’ve got my phone with me, that’s about it. My friends and big brother come visit me everyday to check up on how I’m doing, but for the rest of the day, there’s nothing I can really much do.”

“Well I guess we’ll just have to fix that, huh?”

“How do you suppose we’ll do that?”

“I brought my iPad filled with your favorite movies. I planned ahead because I know I won’t be going anywhere else except for here in the hospital with you.”

“Wow, you came prepared all for little old me?”

“Anything for you, Yuki.”

She looked away embarrassed when I said that.

We talked for a little while longer until what seemed to be one in the morning. I believe I passed out with my head beside her on the bed while I was sitting down on my chair. When I woke up in the morning before her, it seems like she fell asleep holding my hand. I let go of her hand slowly so that she wouldn’t wake up. I decided to leave a note for her saying I had to drop off my stuff at my sisters’ place and get something to eat. I had called my sisters on the train ride there to tell them I was headed over. (Which was about a 5-7 minute train ride.) Once I got there, I explained to them what happened and decided to eat breakfast there and take a quick shower. Once I was done with all of that, I immediately headed back to the hospital. It was almost noon at this point. It also happened to be Saturday, so there might be some of her classmates and friends visiting her while I was gone.

Once I had gotten back to her hospital room, there were a few of her classmates checking up on her and such. Three of them, all girls. As soon as I saw this, I apologized and said I’d wait out in the hallway. It was about fifteen minutes before the girls decided to head out. All of them looked at me while they were walking out and giggled. I was a bit skeptical. I walked into the room to see Yuki waiting for me.

“Hey, did you say something to those girls? They looked at me and giggled. Which I don’t think is a good sign.”

“Don’t worry about them! I just said we were both gonna be hanging out alone the whole day without anyone else.”

“Geez, don’t put it like that. They’ll get all kinds of ideas. Anyways, how are you holding up?”

“Doing pretty good. The doctor came by earlier this morning while you were gone and did a quick check up on me.”

“Okay, that’s good! Now let’s go watch some movies, yeah?”

“Alright!”

She was really into Hayao Miyazaki movies, so I had downloaded all of his movies into my iPad. Along with other niche anime series and movies, as well. After the first two movies, we decided to take a break. It was well into the afternoon at this point. Maybe around five or six o’ clock. When you looked out the window, you could see all the cherry blossom petals scattered all over the floor and all the petals slowly falling down just outside the hospital.

“You know, now that I’ve gotten used to the idea that I might… not live much longer, I’ve become much more calmer than usual.” She said with a slight stern look on her face while looking out the window.

“Is that so?” I turned all my attention to her.

I’ll never forget the words that she said in this moment.

“Yeah. I used to live my life like it was my last. Always going at full speed, not knowing whether I’ll die the next day and missing out on all of life’s experiences. It was sort of stressful. But now that I know when exactly I’ll pass, it’s given me a marker on my life to plan out how I want it to be until that day. Which is why I’m so content with that fact now. Of course, I’m still scared. But now that I was able to see you before I go… I’m okay with dying now.”

Tears started to well up in my eyes after she said that. I was both so happy and so sad to hear her say those words.

“I… I don’t know what to say, Nakamura-san…”

“Please, call me by my first name.”

“Can I, really?”

“Of course, and I’ll call you by your first name, as well… Jaira-san.”

“O-okay… Yuki-san.”

“There’s also one other thing I want to say.”

I wiped my tears away and looked at her again.

“I’ve always… Liked you.” She said while grabbing my right hand with both of hers.

I did a bit of a double take.

“Huh? Me? Really? But… why me?”

“You’re always so kind and caring towards me, even though I’ve treated you like a bit of the opposite way. Hanging out with you whenever I could since you’re barely here was always fun. I guess since you’re only here once a year, I’ve held those memories with you closer to my heart. What I’m trying to say is… I wouldn’t spend these last moments of my life with anyone else. Which is why I asked onii-san for you to come here.” Her hands started to grab my hand tighter.

I got up and hugged her tightly.

“I… I never knew you felt this way about me. I’ve always liked you too, I just didn’t want to ruin the relationship we have with each other right now.”

I sat back down on my chair, grabbed her hand, and kissed the back of it.

“I guess we’re both the idiots, huh?” I said jokingly.

“Yeah, I guess so!”

Her brother came in shortly after this to come check up on her after work as usual. I decided to leave for a bit while her brother was here so that I can get something to eat and then quickly come back. There was a convenience store right up the street from the hospital, so I got food there. Once I got back, his brother left as soon as I came back. Something about not wanting to bother the time between us two. We both started watching movies again while I was eating my food.

We would talk about how our lives would continue if she didn’t have cancer while the movies were playing in the background. We didn’t really pay attention to the movies that were playing at this point because of all the talking we did. She spoke about how she would go to college and becoming a doctor. I jokingly told her she’s not nearly smart enough to be able to become a doctor, but she had said that her grades improved greatly since we had last met.

“You know, if I do somehow end up surviving cancer, my drive to become a doctor will become even greater. Helping out people like how the hospital staff has helped me here seems like one of the best feelings ever.” She spoke with a bit of optimism.

We then continued to talk about what would happen if we got married, how many kids we would’ve had, and what their names would be.

“I don’t really want a huge wedding. If it could be a ceremony that can be done in a park with just our family, then I’d be okay with that.” She said with a smile on her face.

“Yeah, I’d be okay with that too. But what about kids?” I looked at her wryly.

“E-eh? Kids? Well… I’d be okay if we had two or three.” She looked away blushing.

“Haha! Well I was just joking, but since you say so, what about their names?”

“Ummm… how about Ryota for the boy and Kaoru for the girl?”

“Those are very beautiful names.” I said as I held her hand with both of mine.

Her physical state was clearly deteriorating at this point. It was getting harder and harder to look at her. I didn’t know how much time she had left, but I was glad to be spending it with her during her final hours.

“Hey Jaira-kun?” She looked at me.

“Yeah?” I looked back at her in the eyes.

“Please… don’t cry at my funeral, okay?”

“Why’s that?”

“It’s just that I don’t want to be sent off with you being sad. I want you to be happy for me that I’ve endured all this.” She started coughing profusely after she said this.

“I-I’ll try. Anything for you, Yuki-san.” I said holding back my tears.

“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. That’s really the only wish I ask of you.”

“You’re my fri- no. You’re the one I love the most. It’s the least I can do.”

“I love you so much. Please don’t forget that, and… don’t forget me, okay?”

“I love you too. I’ll always remember you in my heart.”

“Haha! That was so cheesy, man! But thank you…”

I grabbed her hand.

“I meant it, though.” I said with a slight pout.

“Let’s finish these movies so we could get to the series, yeah?” I told her trying to change the mood.

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

It was almost one in the morning. We were halfway into the last movie when she decided to stop.

“Hey Jaira-kun, I think I’m gonna go to sleep now. I’m feeling a bit tired.”

“Alright, that’s okay. I’ll be here with you, okay?”

“Okay, goodnight. I love you.” She said as she laid her head on her pillow.

“I love you too, goodnight.” I said as I lay my head down on her bed next to her.

I went to sleep shortly after.

It was 4:52 AM. I was awaken from my dreamless sleep by a sudden faint, flat, and singular beeping tone. I quickly put my head up. It was a flatline. She was gone. I realized she was holding my hand while I was asleep. Tears came flooding, but I didn’t make a sound. The hospital staff quickly came rushing in and told me to leave the room. I stood up and slowly walked out the room while other staff members pushed me trying to come into the room. I put my back against the wall and slowly sat down on the floor next to the door of her hospital room. Tears still kept coming, but I still hadn’t made a sound. After a long and gruesome minute, the doctor declared her death and the time. Other staff members moved her body out of the room to somewhere else. I went down the elevator and ran out the hospital. There was a park nearby, so I sat down on one of the benches there. I shouted at the sky as loud as I could. There was no way I could prepare myself for this kind of loss mentally.

Her funeral came a day later. All her classmates and close family members came, but her parents weren’t there. Everyone had said their goodbyes. I was supposed to say my final words as well, but I couldn’t even bring myself to do it. I hadn’t cried any tears the whole funeral. Her older brother was in the worst condition out of all of us. His cries were so loud, I had to stay close to him throughout the funeral and tried to comfort him. After the whole ceremony was done and her casket was buried, and everyone had left hours later, I came up to her tombstone. I put my right hand on it, and I started to cry.

“I hoped you enjoyed your last minutes with me as much as I did. I’m glad I was a part of all this, but it hurts so much. I hope you can continue on without hurting anymore like you did during your last moments. I will try to do the same for the rest of my life here. I will never EVER forget you. I will ALWAYS love you. I hope you know that. I’ll always wait for the day until we can see each other again. I guess… I was able to keep this promise, Yuki. Just don’t cry during the funeral, right? I did good, right?”

Author's Note

Please excuse any grammatical errors. Leave negative comments to yourself.