If You Please: A Blogger's Guide to People Pleasing

@JeanneDeaux0

poet, short story writer,restaurant critic, polyglot,

people pleaser extraordinaire.

she’s mad but she’s magic, there’s no lie in her fire.

-charles bukowski

writerscafe.org/maggieblackmoor2

#peoplepleaser #chameleon

if you please

pretty pleased

will you pick up my dry cleaning?

me: yes.

will you stay an hour later?

me: yes.

will you watch the kids tonight?

me: yes.

will you drive me to the doctors’ office tomorrow?

me: yes.

(the dry cleaners is 10 miles out of my way...I was going to clean out my closet...Michael in IT finally asked me out. I even bought a new dress...i guess i’ll have to miss my yoga class again…)

My name is Jeanne Deaux and I am an unrepentant people pleaser. It used to cause me stress and anxiety until I stopped fighting it. You have to learn to manage it to be in control. When you modify your motivation, for instance, putting yourself in the equation, pleasing becomes a skill you can use to your advantage and emotional well-being.

pleased to meet you

Without further ado, it has been said that we fear rejection. We never say no. We smile and joke when we have inner pain. We focus on other people’s needs and neglect our own. We rarely ask for or accept help. We just want to please other people at all costs. If this sounds familiar to you then you, too, may be a people pleaser. Don’t panic. The important thing to do is to turn people pleasing into a positive asset one step at a time.

dyspleased

There are a lot of misconceptions about us.  Elite members of the Psychorati want to put us in Cluster C of the Personality Disorders Spectrum. That’s the anxious and fearful cluster. We’re said to have egodystonic tendencies. I’m still not sure how to pronounce this word but I think it’s important for us to know what it means. These tendencies are also known as ego alien. That’s psycho-jargon. Apparently, we have thoughts and behaviors that are in conflict with the needs and goals of our ego. Furthermore, these tendencies are in conflict with one’s ideal self-image. Not to worry, this is not a clinical abstract. The big word came out of Wikepedia.

people pleaser zero

charmed

When meeting someone for the first time say their name several times in conversation. People like hearing the sound of their name being spoken. Also, it helps for you to remember it. I, for one, can’t be bothered with remembering people’s names the minute they are out of my field of vision.

Pick out one thing on their person and pay detail to it. Tell them how good it looks on them and ask them where they got it. Be specific. Include colors and the effect they have on a person’s eyes or how it reminds you of some Turner Classic actor’s signature look.

get lit

When engaged in conversation with someone act like they’re the only person in the room. Never break eye contact. Be fascinated by everything they say. We are rapt listeners who constantly give relevant feedback even when we don’t care. Feigning interest is simple. It doesn’t take much practice. All you have to do is put a light in your eye. (The pros know what I’m talking about).

In the beginning pay attention to what they say. That way you can feel them out and know the kind of reaction and attention they seek. You will be able to accommodate them and have a conversation with yourself in your head without missing beat.

secret pleasure

Laugh at everything the person says that is meant to be funny. When people think they’re funny they feel good about themselves. Not only that but they’ll think you’re highly intelligent. That is the key to successful pleasing: getting them to feel good about themselves. And it takes so little.

multi-task

When you’re trapped in a boredom loop use these three interjections intermittently:

I can’t believe that!

That’s amazing!

That’s crazy!

Every story elicits these three replies no matter what people are talking about. Note: It is important to hear at least 25% of what they’re saying to allow for timely and appropriate responses. Use the rest of the time to make your grocery list or to compose poetry. Don’t break eye contact or they will know they are boring you. Would you want to be around someone who thinks you’re boring?

the closer

When people complain about their jobs, relationships, or just want to kvetch, utilize all the empathetic facial expressions and gestures you have as though you’re Mariano Rivera in a save situation (Legendary New York Yankees pitching phenom for the uninterested).

Affect funeral director demeanor when suffered to comfort someone or be there for them. You will be their best friend because you’re the only one who listens and who cares. This drains us emotionally, but we have to walk it off. The way to alleviate some of the discomfort is to actually get them to keep talking. Knit your eyebrows and shake your head repeatedly. Show them how we don’t judge by saying, I understand, in a neutral tone throughout. Rub their arm or give them a pat. People like to be touched especially during times like these.

Let’s face it. It is as bad as it seems. This is the most difficult part of people pleasing for me. I can’t stand being around a bunch of people whining about their problems. French cries with that waa burger?

say cheese

It’s all in the responses. Body language is a necessary layer. No cue escapes our perspicuity. Therefore the subjective aspect is at the tip of our nose at any given moment. Stupefied, calamity, pique, jubilation, etc. As experienced people pleasers we have an array of observable manifestations for each of those emotions. We’re like Emoticon Mad Libs. Just fill in the blanks.

With these add-ons we are encouraging them to open up to us. They feel assured that we are on the same page as them. People want the kind of attention we afford them. They like to see physical responses to them. Usually, we don’t really care, but we can’t help but cater to them.

miscellany

if you ask me…

Opinions are tricky. As a rule, I agree with theirs. Mostly because I can’t be bothered with having an opinion, or, their issue means nothing to me. Nod your head gravely and say, Yes, with conviction. That communicates mutual agreement and concern. Now, if you must beg to differ there are ways to assert your point of view. You take pause and say….yeah [yeeeeeeeeeaah]...or well [weeeeeeeeeeeelllll]...drawing out the morpheme as much as possible to denote tacit disagreement.  Your hesitation is your respectful assertiveness. Such responses demonstrate your ability to disagree at will. Most of the time I’m like Whatever. Tread lightly on ethical issues because it will terminate friendships (not necessarily a bad thing!). The rest is up to you.

just say yes

Meddlesome non-people pleasers will tell you to say NO without feeling guilty. Saying NO without guilt is preposterous. They will tell you it’s bad to say YES because it causes stress. There are entire books dedicated to this propaganda. NO is not an option for me. I have no desire to say NO, no matter how psychologically damaging it is to me. I stopped agonizing myself over this issue and discovered it is more stressful trying to say NO than it is to just say YES. I’ll take the stress of pleasing over NO-guilt any day of the week. If your goal is to be able to say NO then I can’t help you with that. You’re on your own.

a time to please

Everyone has to-do lists.Time-management is probably something we’re most lax about. We complain that we neglect ourselves but we have no one to blame but ourselves. We have to spend a littles less time whining and more time prioritizing. Everyday I make a list of three things I want to get done. Keep it simple. Having a daily goal keeps things in perspective. My agenda looks like this: 1. Mail letter. 2. Call Dad. 3. Do nails.

When someone asks us for a favor, we don’t have to say NO. Put their request on the top of the list. Having more on my plate with a time-constraint helps me to stay focused. Even if the last thing gets knocked off our list we still accomplished three things that day and did something for someone else.

spa day

I understand how it feels to put other people’s happiness over my own and then feel sorry for myself. I don’t like resenting the very person I want to make happy so when I start feeling this way, I remind myself that I was responsible for it. I can’t be bothered with dwelling on it so I make a promise to do something nice for myself the very next chance I get. Buy yourself something. It almost feels like an act of defiance. It’s very gratifying .You should treat yourself regularly. When you do, you won’t feel like all you do is make people happy and then feel bad about it. That goes against our principles. Any decent people pleaser does not walk around with a chip on his shoulder.

between you and me

spin the bottle

You will never be the person who picks the movie or restaurant even when they ask you to. They’ll even hand you the menus to look at and they still pick what they want. Then you wonder why they even asked you what you wanted in the first place. Normally, we defer to them. But there are times when we really do want Thai instead of Mexican. You think they’d  let you have your way once in awhile. You won’t get your way. If ever there comes a time where there will be feelings of resentment, this is it for me. But like a good people pleaser I exercise my right to bottle it up. They say you shouldn’t bottle things up. We’re people pleasers. That’s what we do. Don’t let them make you feel guilty about that. Do you really want to say something? Do you really want  to force them to eat what they don’t want? Is it worth it? Come on.

You take that resentment and throw it in with the rest of the skeletons and count your blessings. Then walk it off. Not everyone is as courteous and giving like yourself. People who are self-centered don’t know they are self-centered. Like they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. You will walk away from this with emotional fortitude.

hold your breath

If you are a masochistic people pleaser like myself, you will be made to endure torture that makes Guantanamo Bay look like Sandals Resort and Casinos. We please no matter what. For instance, you’re at your mother-in-law’s house and she makes the one thing you hate. Unless you’re allergic to it you eat it without the slightest sign of distaste. Vegetarian or not. If you’re a serious pleaser, it is critical to learn to suppress your gag reflex. If there is anyone in your life you want to please most, it’s your mother-in-law.

Another example is, you may be one of those people who can’t stand babies more than you can’t stand kids. You will be made to look at pictures of babies all day long because all your friends just had them. I’m proud to say that my mouth and face don’t get twisted and distorted  with disgust anymore. My eyebrows stay in place like I had Botox an hour ago. Do you have any idea how excruciating it is to act like it’s the most precious sight you have ever seen in your life? I suspect the parents are still basking in that post-partum glow so they don’t notice how sickened I am. I still have to practice masking my revulsion.

conscientious

Besides not liking confrontation, we don’t like others to feel stupid. When someone thinks they’re telling me something new, I act amazed. I don’t like people who always have to already know what you’re talking about and try to act like they know more than you. And worse, turn it into their story. That is so brazen. Have some humility. It makes people feel good when they think you’ve learned something from them. They’ll feel disappointed or stupid if you tell them you knew all about what they were so excited to tell you. We have tact.

I don’t want to tell a person they hurt my feelings because I don’t want them to feel bad. If I’m not utterly devastated and can shake it off then I won’t say anything . I suck it up and let it pass. Things might never be the same. People pleasers are resilient. Whenever anyone asks what’s wrong? Tell them you’re just fine.

connect the dots

e is for empathy

When there is awkwardness between you and your friend’s significant other or friend of a friend have some alone time with them. You’ll already know what they do for a living so you can ask specific questions about it. Cite examples of how their job is the hardest job in the world. Tell them something about themselves that make them so great at what they do. Ask them how much freedom they have within the rubric of their area of specialization. Let them know how unfair it is that they have to be held back from utilizing their strengths and talents. Touch on the politics at their workplace and then they’ll really open up. They get a chance to kvetch to someone who is really interested in hearing about it. Disparage the villains as though they had personally affronted you, too. Then you can empathize. People crave empathy. Especially in regards to their daily politics.

cedar 2562

Being a people pleaser, I will answer the phone even when I know it is someone I dread talking to. For some reason I feel compelled to listen to them yammer on for an hour.  Once you say Hello, you are trapped. There is no other option but to suffer this person and listen to them vent or gossip. Or both, which is usually the case.

This scenario is actually preferable to having to listen to them in person. You just have to say ‘YES,’ and “REALLY” with  concurring intonation after every other sentence. It’s like you’re not even on the phone. Nonetheless, intonation is a necessary tool to pull this off. There are so many shades of “YES,” and as pleasers, we know the whole spectrum. The best part is that they don’t have to see the distaste and impatience on your face.

Use this time to do all the things you neglected to do. Speaker is the best invention ever, because you are free to move around and do things: laundry, yoga, leave the room …

So press talk and say, “Hello.”

A La Carte

As a people pleaser, I love entertaining. You really win people over this way. Hosting a dinner shouldn’t be too difficult when planning the meal. You have known these people long enough to know what they like and what they don’t like. You have paid attention to details so they will be thoroughly surprised and delighted when you serve them their favorite things. You can recreate a whole experience for them. For instance they had this dish once that was so good and thought they would never find again.  However, you just have to go to allrecipes and the dish will be better than when they had it the first time.

Indulge them profusely. Encourage them to bring their pet and provide treats. Give the men alone time. As you prepare dessert with the female, use this time to divulge something little that you know she will be able to relate to. Play games after dessert. This puts them at ease and helps them to be less inhibited.  Play easy, silly board games or card games.  I like Spades and Mah-jongg. Don’t forget to insist they bring the rest of the dessert home with them. They’ll want you to come over for dinner and games, too.

halftime

Familiarize yourself with sports. This is one way to break the ice. When you have a basic knowledge of the details you can have an intelligent conversation about it.  Know the difference between offsides and encroachment. Demonstrate the gestures that correspond to the penalties and they will be impressed.    Know what a natural cycle is and what a hat trick is and you’re golden. You can have your own opinion and preferences because with sports it is not black and white. You’ll find that you really do like sports. It’s fun to talk about, too. Here’s another layer to your persona. Sometimes there may be only one person interested in sports at the party. You’ll give them someone to talk to and make the social obligation bearable for them.

perfect alibi

perfection 101

If you are a people pleaser then you are a perfectionist. We care too much about what other people think of us. I admit that I don’t want anyone to have a single negative thing to say about me so I make sure my manners, actions, words, and intentions are beyond reproach and impossible to criticize. We have standards which we live by and we stay true to our ideals. How is aspiring to be a better person a bad thing? How can we better help others without working on ourselves first?

Being mindful of our moral character and knowing we are doing our best to do what we do best helps us cope with our insecurity. Our attributes speak for themselves and people admire our integrity. Most importantly we are taking care for our emotional needs (and not neglecting ourselves!). There is nothing insincere about wanting to take care of others and ourselves as perfectly as we can.

perfection 102

Every person on this earth cares what other people think of them. If they say otherwise then they are lying. They care about appearances more than we do. They have to be perfectionists to cover up their shortcomings and unhappiness. They say they don’t care what other people think about them. However, in reality, they’ll never be good enough or be satisfied with who they are and what they have. Beware those who vehemently purport that they don’t give a crap about what people think of them as though it were their mantra. They are rife with false virtue and are miserable with their jobs and spread poison soup about it to the rest of us all day long. Whereas our perfectionism is borne of humility and sincerity, theirs is vain and superficial.

For our own well-being we should ignore what the experts say about us with their books and anti-perfectionist propaganda about how it’s bad for us and causes stress and unhappiness. Critics are usually unhappy with themselves and need to disparage those of us who are happy doing what we love doing. We will always be perfectionists and we’re fine with it. I love being a perfectionist. It suits me and there’s so much goodness to share because of it. So much for perfection.

applied sciences

seduce & reduce

Every now and again, I will please someone on purpose because I know they don’t like me. I can’t stand the thought of someone not liking me even if it’s someone I don’t like myself. When I was younger I was waiting tables with this girl I didn’t like, but for some reason I wanted her to like me. So the first thing I said was, “I love your eyeshadow, Melissa. (Remember to say their name). How do you do that?” With women the first words out of your mouth should be a compliment on their “beauty.” Then you engage them by asking them for advice on it.

There was no self-reflection about why she didn’t like me. I didn’t care. I just got tired of her not liking me. We became friends after that.

finesse

Whenever I’m involved with someone romantically I please every person in his life that I could get my hands on just so they like me and think I’m the one. I also want them to tell him how lucky he is. I take my specialized skills and tailor them to each individual and become their perfect companion. I have so many things in common with all of his friends even I’m amazed. I get invited to guys night out. Mothers want to take me shopping. Everyone tells him he better be good to me. They all tell me I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. The reason I know so many languages is so I could have a conversation with a guy’s grandparents. They love that stuff!

it’s them. it’s not me.

Pleasing different types of people affords us a versatility of personas. I vary myself constantly to be able to relate to anyone. First and most importantly, we can mirror people. There is no mockery in it. The art of copying others’ behaviors and speech, otherwise known as mimicry, is an unsung talent as well as undetectable. People naturally look for things they have in common with someone they first meet. That is how we become their “perfect companion” from the start. We are able to perceive things in them that they try to deny or didn’t know was there. We have an uncanny ability to read people and educe latent tendencies in them. This makes them feel connected to us. .

worldly

As people pleasers, we refine our craft and make it a point to gather intelligence. And by intelligence, I mean Bachelors of Arts and Science quality information and beyond. As anyone knows, information is valuable so we want to know a variety of people. We want to learn everything they know. We soak up even the most trivial things. I want to know the difference between port and starboard. I want to know what a zoophytoplanktonologist does. I want to know how to say I love you in Swahili. Did you know if you try to speak someone’s native language you’re all the more charming to them? As a result of soaking up everything you can, our cognizance is expansive and diversified. We gain wisdom from other people’s experiences (remember. Don’t talk about yourself unless necessary.) We don’t give it all at once. We gradually unfold as we allow them to get to know us. Be humble when they talk about something you are well-versed in. Then engage them in meaningful conversation about the topic at hand. People pleasers, it will behoove you to be well-read.

chameleon

You will discover that we possess two crucial attributes innate to people pleasers:

adaptability and flexibility. This self-actualizing combination transforms us into the multi-dimensional chameleon. The potential has been there all along.

Our keen observation taught us about the human condition every time we adapted to someone else’s reality. We know people. This is our business. Our edge is our intellect, precision, and subtlety. We are naturally discerning, receptive and quick. We are invisible. Nurture your inner chameleon. We are fit for gamesmanship and can apply the strategies and tactics we learned from Sun Tsu’s Art of War.

green-eyed monster

People who have an aversion to chameleons think we change for whomever we’re with. The truth is people are one-dimensional and predictable and we’re just being our perceptive selves. We’re charismatic and perspicacious no matter who we’re with. There are those who are drawn to us because we appeal to the part of themselves others don’t understand due to their own personal deficiency. It takes a certain kind of person who they feel they can be open with. We can’t help it if they don’t want to share certain things with you.

pearls to swine

Chameleons are met with ignorance and animosity. We are accused of being fake. I’ll be honest. Some are but some are not. Humans want to feel a connection with one another. We have that same desire so we make it happen. Our methods may appear dissimulated to the common onlooker because we can complement anyone without even trying. Unfortunately, there are some who claim to be people pleasers then complain that they’re miserable because of it. They are just miserable people. They are the ones who are most likely fake. They take no joy in making people happy. With them it is just a compulsion. They give us a bad name.

As for the people who think we need to be fixed, pay no attention to them. Don’t let them convince you that there is something wrong with you. Nevermind the ones who castigate us and call us fake. They have no idea what they’re talking about. We are as real as you can get. We have no facades because we have nothing to hide. Although we can’t help but care about what people think of us, take a good look at the people who criticize us. They are misinformed and bigoted pedestrians. Obsessing on such triflings will bring us undue stress and anxiety. This is the only instance where i will say f***’m.

to say the least

thank you for culminating

Getting to know humanity begins with people pleasing. It’s how we learn what makes people happy. They teach us how to be better pleasers by showing us what people look for in a companion. They are the ones responsible for our culmination into chameleons. There will be a shift in dynamics. People will want to get to know you and be your friend. When they see that we share the same frame of reference with anyone in any demographic, they are impressed by our vast familiarity of the world and its mechanics. It makes them want to realize their own potential for urbane sophistication by being around us as much as possible.

evolved. resolved. absolved.

So here you have it. If you aren’t sure you’re a people pleaser but are willing to try something new, you have nothing to lose. You have only new friends to gain. Everyone wants to be liked. There’s no shame in that. When first starting out you may feel like you are just going through the motions. You are, but you have to start somewhere. It becomes meaningful once you start meeting interesting people. You’ll genuinely want to know and  enjoy mutual rapport. Another benefit is that when you start making people happy you will feel good about yourself. You will have purpose. That does a lot for your self-esteem. Remember to manage your time.

Once you master the basics you will evolve into a dynamic individual. There will be people that won’t like you, but it won’t bother you. They’re  not the kind of people you want to be around anyway. Weaving into and out of different roles gives you a sense of empowerment. That’s the goal. Keep your eye on the prize. You will be liked by people who matter and you’ll only have to do half the work. Sit back with your friends and let them do the rest.