LENNY LONGWOOD

Lenny Longwood has been a librarian at the Solomon Science Center for eight years  where the main attraction is the new exhibit, Digital Universe, at the Hiram Planetarium.  It is the most complete and accurate 3-D atlas of the Universe from the local solar neighborhood out to the edge of the observable Universe.  This exhibit was on loan from the Museum of Natural History’s Haden Planetarium in New York City.

Astronomy has been his passion since he was in the seventh grade when his class went on a field trip to the Byron Observatory. Having moved to Headsmouth, Alaska from Paradox, Delaware ten years ago, he has been witness to countless meteor showers, x-class solar flares, geminid shooting stars,  and various eclipses.  He has seen  obscure constellations such as the Chameleon, Fornax, and Reticulum with his catadioptric telescope .  February is his favorite month because the Aurora Borealis can be seen nightly.

That night the Center had a private black tie affair to preview Digital Universe.  Special guests included Mayor Richard Johnson and his wife, Jane, Prime Ministers from Croatia and Serbia, and actors from the action-packed  blockbuster, Frostbite, Sunshine Hennessy, Mary Maggie Faithful, Michael Archer, and rapper S & M. The caterers served champagne and hors d’oeuvres and  a string quartet was on hand to play at the reception.

When he first started working at the Observatory, he befriended a woman that worked at the Center.  Her name was Alice who worked as part-time curator at the observatory.  She was twenty-six and a native of Alaska.  On her days off she volunteered at the ASPCA and was studying to be a veterinarian.

 She sat with him at lunch one day and just started chit-chatting.  She asked him out to dinner at her favorite restaurant, Serendipity. She was the first person he talked to in Headsmouth that made him feel comfortable.

Lenny Longwood got dressed and picked Alice up for the preview.  She looked lovely in a red dress with her red hair and matching lipstick, but he couldn’t bring himself to pay her the compliment.

“How nice you look, Lenny,” she said.

“Oh, thank  you, Alice.  Uhm...You look nice, too,”  he replied.

“Can you believe all those actors are going to be there?”

“Yes, it’s great,” he said.  He especially found Mary Maggie Faithful comely.

“I wonder if I’d be able to talk to Michael Archer.  Even for a minute.”

“Well, you just might,” he said vaguely.

“You know Dick and Jane will be there.”

“Who?”

“The Johnsons.”

“I see,”  Lenny said.

“Well, here we go,” she said as they pulled up to the Center.  The valet whisked the car away to the back of the building.  They walked into the Center and saw the Johnsons talking with Marly A. Hewett, the docent of the Planetarium.

After the preview, Lenny loitered at the bar nursing a Harvey Wallbanger.  He watched the Italian film, Il Postino and had a craving for Galliano.  He had to instruct the bartender on how to make it.  He was looking around the room looking for Alice.  He spotted her near the quartet speaking with Michael Archer after all. You could tell the guy was into her the way he ogled her.  He couldn’t blame him.  Just then the Prime Minister from Croatia approached the bar.

“Ka ko si,”   the diplomat said to Lenny.

“I’m sorry?” he replied.

“Oh, yes, I keep forgetting to speak English.  That means ‘how are you’ in Croatian.

“I’m just fine. And you, Sir?”

“Please. Call me Babic.” he instructed Lenny.

“I’m Lenny,” he said putting out his hand.

“I quite enjoyed myself at Digital Universe.  It was magnificent.  Mayor Johnson and his wife have been very hospitable. I had dinner at his mansion last night and discussed the beaches of my country and which they should visit..”

“I see.” Lenny replied.

The Prime Minister of Serbia walked over and ordered a vodka martini shaken with three maraschino cherries.  He turned to Babic and grimaced.

“Babic,”  he said in way of greeting.

“Radic,” he replied.

“I see the national zoo has issued passports to their runt mules,” Babic said to Radic.

“I see it is feeding time at the troughs for limp-humped camels ,” Radic replied.

“Speaking of camel toes, how is your sister?” Babic said.

“She was telling me how Croatian National Kresla is too small for the buns,” Radic retorted.

“Ah, sirs…” Lenny interjected.

“My apologies, Lenny” Babic said to him. “Radic and I have attended college together.  He used his education for evil.”

“Babic, your ancestry is full of thieves and fornicators,” Radic replied.

“Your mother has breath as foul as a constipated lame Sherpa whose pyatna was cleft by a three-legged yak on her son’s birthday ,” Babic retorted.

“Your mother has an ulicha the size of Uzbekistan and has the odor of steaming ordures in the slums of Zamboanga in rainy season.” Radic replied.

“Your dog is a mongrel wombat,” Babic said.

Radic’s eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head.  He gasped loudly, and clutched the bar and held on, appalled by what he just heard. “You would insult a man’s dog,” he exclaimed. “I knew you were a contemptible man, but this is unacceptable.  There is nothing more despicable than a man who would insult another man’s dog.  If we were not on American soil I would challenge you to a duel.”

“Radic, I accept your duel.  I will let you know when it is convenient because my Tibetan Mastiff’s birthday is coming up.  A gift from a Shaolin breeder.  We are having a soiree for him, you see.”

Radic just squinted his eyes at him.  His dog was a stray with unknown pedigree after all. Definitely a mutt, alas.  But he would defend little Bozic’s honor no matter what.

“Lenny.”  Badic stated and took the last sip of his drink and walked away, not without chirping a word to Radic over his shoulder, evidently a profanity.

“That man is as useless as a castrated toad. So. Forgive me for being rude. I am Radic.” he said shaking Lenny’s hand. “In my country we also have what can pass for a planetarium.  It is an arena with a retractable roof that we open at the time of a blue moon.”

“That sounds splendid, Radic.”  Lenny said.

“I am thoroughly enjoying myself in your country. I have encountered this expandable garden hose. My wife has a garden, you see.  We grow hybrids of cucumber and cassava, and guava and gherkins.  They are used in rare Serbian stews. My wife studied Horticulture at the University of Croatia.  That was before the revolution.”

“That sounds interesting,” Lenny replied.

“I understand you can see the Northern Lights at this time of year.  Why don’t we go to the terrace and you can show me.”

“Alright, Radic”  he said.

They passed the buffet table and went out on the terrace.  It was a mild night for a February evening.  The sky was lit with the phosphorescence of of the aurora borealis.  it had the fluorescent spectrum of blues and greens and purples spiraling down behind the mountains and blanketing the horizon with unearthly luminescence.  There’s no other way to describe it. Radic had to see it for himself. It was breathtaking.  Photographs wouldn’t do it justice.

“Lenny, I have a niece that came with me.  I want you to show her around.  Her name is Serena.  She is thirty and a virgin. The family pities her for not being married by now.  Would you do that for me?”

“Sure, I’ll show her around.” he said, surprised.

“Good. Where do you live?  I will send a car for you  tomorrow.”

“I live at 666 Eval Kineival Circle.  Do you need directions?”

“That won’t be necessary. My man knows where that is.”

“What time should I be ready?”

“Be ready at six thirty.  My driver will take you back to the embassy and we shall dine there before you take her out.”

“Okay, sir. That will be just fine.”

“Very well. And please, call me Radic. I will see you tomorrow.”  With that he left the bar and made his way to Dick and Jane.

That night Lenny was going through his closet looking for something to wear the next day. He didn’t want to look too eager.  He realized he was going on a blind date.  Well, he justified, I’m just doing a favor for the  diplomat of Serbia.  It is an honor. He heard the ding of the oven.  His frozen pizza was ready.  He didn’t feel like cooking or ordering in.  He took the pizza to the den and put a movie on.  It was “The Big Lebowski.”  He took a sip from a bottle of root beer and took a bite of the pizza.  It was too soon.  He burned the tip of his tongue.  D****t he thought.  He dropped it on himself and burned his left thigh.  He jumped up immediately.

At that moment the phone rang.

“Hello,” he picked up.

“Hey Lenny. It’s Alice.”

“Oh, hi, Alith.”

“What?”

“Oh, thit,” he said.

“What happened?”

“I burnt my tongue.”

“Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not okay. I burnt my leg. I have a lithp and I am about to meet the diplomat’s nieth.  And her name ith Therena, for crying out loud.”

“It’ll be okay, Lenny. It’s not a big deal. You can barely notice it. I swear.” She said but burst out laughing uncontrollably.

“Ha  ha.  Real funny.”

“I’m sorry.  It is funny. Come on.  It’ll be fine. Really.  You’re such a great guy, she’ll love you.”

“Okay.”

“Thee you tomorrow,” laughing and hung up the phone.

He threw the pizza in the trash, having gotten turned off by the thing.  He looked in his fridge and decided to have leftover kung pao chicken.  He watched the rest of the movie. He found it enjoyable.  It was about  quarter to ten when he felt a rumbling in his stomach.  The  rumbling was accompanied by pain that increased every second.  Oh, man, he thought. Stupid kung pao chicken. As he ran to the bathroom he tripped over an errant pair of snow boots and fell forward. It was critical moments because he knew he wasn’t going to make it to the bathroom.  The pangs were so intense.  He was clenching his sphincter but it was the point of no return.  He relaxed and it came spewing out, the  wet bubbling sounds echoed throughout the room as he was lying prone on the floor, drenched in his own excrement.  He got up and ran to the bathroom and vomited. This was going to be a long night.

At the embassy, Radic introduced Lenny to his niece, Serena.  She had long, dark wavy hair and hazel green eyes that were languorous and jaded as was her disposition.  She was polite enough.  They were seated together at the table.  It was a long table that was set for thirteen.  The first course was soup.  It was lamb ragout.  Lenny did not eat lamb because he couldn’t stand the smell of it and the sour aftertaste.

“How do you like the soup, Lenny?” asked Radic’s wife Zelia.

“It’s delicious. Thank you.” he replied trying to conceal his distaste.  He had no choice but to eat it. The soup couldn’t mask the gaminess of the lamb.  It brought out the flavor instead.  He did not want to offend his host so he held his breath and closed his eyes with every sip.

“I know you hate it,” Serena whispered to him. “I hate it too.”

Lenny was relieved when they took it away. The servants brought out several dishes,  There was roast goat, lamb intestines, auk quiche, and Serbian sausage.  There was no way Lenny was going to make it through this dinner without having to excuse himself to throw up. Goat, really? he thought.  Where in the world would you get goat in Alaska?  It’s bad enough, but the entire goat was splayed out on a platter. Lenny was only used to seeing roasted pig.  He had been to several pig roasts in his lifetime. The sight of this goat with his fuzzy ears charred and standing straight up was grotesque.  He couldn’t bring himself to look at it.  It had golden crisp skin and all kinds of greens were sticking out of its rear end.  He recognized lemongrass and parsley and maybe basil but who knew what those were.

Apparently the server took it out to display it to the diners before carving it up.  He got the haunch.  And since he was the guest of honor, they gave him the tongue.  Just the sight of it on his plate was making him so nauseous his eyes started watering.  They were all watching him as he sliced a sliver of it.  He held his breath and put it in his mouth.  He tried to eat it in two bites and swallow it right away before his palate got the full experience of it.  The texture did not escape him.  Everyone was looking at him expectantly.  He nodded his head and pursed his lips to approximate a smile.  He stuffed his mouth with relish to remove the taste, but even their relish was pungent.  

“Oh, Lenny.  Haven’t you ever had tongue before?” Serena asked him. “In Serbia we have tongue chips.  My favorite is sour cream and chives.”

Could this get any worse? The servant then put a ladle full of lamb intestine on his plate.  He couldn’t stand this anymore.  His mouth was watering but not out of hunger but out of vomit on the verge of coming up.  The sight of it made him gag.  He hoped no one noticed him getting violently ill.  Everyone was digging into it.  He could barely watch them put intestine into their mouth and eat it of their own free will and accord.  By this time he was heaving.  Luckily the people were absorbed in their food.  This should be a torture technique in Guantanamo Bay.  Death is better than this.  What reason could he give to leave the table?

“Uncle, I think there is too much food for our guest.  I am going to take him out to the terrace.” Serena said.

“Did you enjoy Serbian cuisine, Lenny?” Radic asked.

“Very much, thank you.” Lenny replied.

“Serena why don’t you show him our view of the Northern Lights?  Be back for coffee.”

“Yes, Uncle” she said.

As they entered the hall, Serena said, “The bathroom is down the hall, third door on your left.” She said, smirking.

Lenny did not reply.  He just ran toward the hall.  As he turned the corner he tripped on a calico cat and fell. The cat screeched and ran off. “Are you okay, Lenny? Did  Bugoy hurt you?”

“I’m okay,” he said but he hurt his ankle.  He couldn’t get up so he had no choice but to drag himself with his arms to the bathroom.  He was in there for a half hour before he could get himself together and be able to walk out of there.  He limped back to the drawing room where Serena was lounging on a divan and smoking a clove cigarette, the cat at her feet.

“You feel better now, Lenny?”

“I’m just fine.”

“You still look green.”

Lenny did not respond.  He was humiliated.

“How’s your ankle? We never know where little Bugoy will pop up.  Please have a seat.” She said pointing to a lounge chair adjacent to the divan.  “I made you a drink.  It’s honey brandy.  Have some.  You’ll feel much better.  Trust me.” she said.

He took the drink that was on the side table and took a sip.  First it burned but then the sweet followed through slowly then goes down warm.  It was pleasant. It did take that sour out of his mouth.  “Thank you, Serena,” he said.

“Lenny, I need get out of here. Will you help me? I will pay you handsomely.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“My aunt and uncle will be going to the opera with the Johnsons tonight.  I want you to pick me up and take me to Babic’s embassy  There will be guards will be all over the place..”

“Why would you want to go there?”

“I am secretly engaged to Babic’s son, Kovic. We are going to run  away together.”

“Where will you go?”

“We are going to Dubai.” Serena replied.

“Your uncle has been real nice to me.”

“Forget about that.  He’ll know I put you up to it.”

“Alright then.”

“Good. Pick me up on Tuesday at ten.  I will be coming out of my window which is the third window from the left on the north side of the building. I’ll put a sheet over the lampshade so you know which one it is.”

That night Lenny thought about what he was about to do.  He told himself he shouldn’t feel guilty about betraying Radic because they were just acquaintances after all.  Serena was an adult; she can make her own decisions.  He has never done anything so bold in his whole insipid life.  There’s a big chance he could get caught. What would the consequences be?  The notion titillated him. He felt like James Bond.  All he had to do was pick up Serena and deliver her to the Croatian embassy.  What’s the worst that can happen? He decided to  call Alice and get her feedback.

“I don’t know, Lenny.  It sounds pretty risky.  You don’t know who these people are or what they’re capable of.  Being engaged to a Croatian could be like treason or something.  A war could break out. From what you told me about the two Prime Ministers going at it with each other who knows what might happen.  Radic flipped out just because Babic berated his dog. Can you imagine what might happen if his niece went to the other side?  She’s like Helen of Troy.”

“She’s only asking for a ride.  Her uncle won’t even be there.  I need this Alice.  I just turned fifty-two  and I have nothing to show for it.  What does a doctorate in Astrophysics get you?  Something no one can relate to.  It’s what defines me. It’s meaningless.  There’s something missing in my life and I think this will be the one thing I’ll ever do that matters.”

“Well, Lenny, it sounds like you’ve thought this through. You have my support.  I just don’t want anything bad to happen to you.  You better call me every five minutes, Lenny. I mean it.”

Lenny parked a block away and walked to the designated second floor window.  He saw the lamp with the sheet over  it right away.  He saw that the window was open so he cleared his throat hoping Serena would hear.  She looked out the window.  “So nice to see you right on time.  I’m going to get down this tree.  You just catch me when I get to the lowest limb.  Don’t worry I’ve practiced this already.”

The tree was close to the building. She stepped onto a limb and climbed down like a cat.  She reached the lowest limb and jumped into Lenny’s arms. He couldn’t withstand the impact so he fell on his back.  Luckily Serena was on top of him. She pulled him to his feet.  They started walking toward the back of building when a dog started barking ferociously.

“Oh, don’t worry about him.  That’s Bozic, the mutt.  I brought a goat hock.”  She called him over.  He started wagging his tail and came obediently.  She gave him the goat hock and he gratefully brought it to his spot in the yard.

Lenny led her to the car.  The Croatian embassy was only several miles away located in the meatpacking section of Headsmouth,  the seedy side of town. Serena didn’t have any bags with her, just a purse.  When they arrived at the embassy he parked a block away in front of a fried chicken joint that had bars on its windows.

“I’ll be right back, Lenny.  Don’t go anywhere.” Serena said.

“I won’t.” he  replied

She started walking up the street and disappeared around the corner.  Lenny got in the car and called Alice.

“Hey, how’s everything going? Are you okay?” Alice asked.

“So far so good.  I’m in the meatpacking district.  Can you believe the Croatian embassy is in this part of town?”

“I can’t believe that.  How is Serena? Are you really aiding and abetting the kidnapping of a Prime Minister’s son? Because that’s what they’re going to say about you when it gets out that you drove them to the docks. Radic might even say you kidnapped his niece. Oh, Lenny, what have you gotten yourself into?”

“I never thought of it that way.”

“I know, you are just giving her a ride. But think about it Lenny.  The Serb is going to make a big fuss about it just to have something to hold against the Croatian.  I think you should get the hell out of there now.” Alice said.

“I can’t leave now.  They expect me to be here.  I gave her my word, Alice.”

“Well then you better come up with an escape route for after you’re caught.”

“Okay. I will.”

The car door opened and someone sat in the passenger seat.  It was Babic. He put his dog in the back seat. Serena was nowhere in sight.

“Babic. What are you doing here? Where is Serena?”

“She is at the embassy with Kovic. They tried to kidnap Nabokov.”

“Who is Nabokov?” Lenny asked.

“This is Nabokov,” he said pointing to the dog in the back seat.

“What is happening?”

“We must get out of here.  We must bring Nabokov to safety.”

“But what about your son and  Serena?”

“Forget about them. They were going to kidnap my dog.  Just drive.”

“Where are we going?”

“Take us to Radic’s”

“You want me to take you to the Serbian embassy?”

“Yes.  When I tell Radic what is happening he will give Nabokov protection.”

“Why are they trying to kidnap your dog” Lenny asked.

“They want to sell him the Yugoslavian minister, Dragoslav.”

“What does he want with Nabokov?”

“He wants him because Nabokov is a well-renowned show dog and a rare breed.  It is every man’s dream to have a dog that is Best In Show. Nabokov has won four years straight.  The minister has a teacup beagle, Drago, which represents the country. Drago lost to a  hairless chihuahua last year from Bulgaria.  He can’t live down the defeat.”

“Will Radic let you come in after you called his dog a mongrel wombat?”

“When he finds out what is happening he will put all that aside.  Our dogs are more valuable to us than our first born sons because they are faithful.  Sons will sell you to Bosnia for a Corolla.  He will protect Nabokov because if Kovic and Serena kidnap him there will be no repercussions because they have diplomatic immunity.”

They arrived at the Serbian embassy and the servant answered the door.  Radic and his wife were not home. He told them they were expected any moment now because they are usually home by midnight when going to engagements. He instructed them to wait in the drawing room.  Babic went to the bar and helped himself to a snifter of the honey brandy.  He poured one for Lenny.  Nabokov was lounging on the divan.  The front door opened and there were muffled voices. The doors to the drawing room opened and Radic walked in.

“Well. Whom have we here?  Are we to have our duel? Is Nabokov your second or is it this traitor, Lenny?”

“Lenny was taken at gunpoint by your niece to take her to my embassy where she and my son were going to kidnap Nabokov and  sell him to the Yugoslavs.”

Radic gasped with his eyes wide opened. “Is this true Lenny?”

“Yes,” Lenny said knowing it was a lie.  The part about kidnapping Nabokov was true  and Serena did in fact have those motives and she did put him up to driving her. That was enough for him.

“Well, we shall give Nabokov asylum.  Poor thing. Has he eaten?”

“No.  Not since this morning.”

Radic summoned the servant and told him to fix a bowl for Nabokov then went behind the bar and brought out some treats for him.

“Radic, I would not have stepped foot in your embassy if Nabokov’s life was not in danger.”

“And I would not have allowed you to come in if not for your dog. I can overlook the comment you said about my Bozic.” Radic said.

“Forgive me for that,” Babic said grudgingly.

“We must think of Nabokov now.”

“Where is little Bozic?” Babic asked.

“He is asleep in his room.”

The servant came in with a silver bowl of food for Nabokov.  He didn’t hesitate to eat.  Lenny excused himself to go to the bathroom.  He walked out into the hall and looked both ways in case that Bugoy was lurking around.  There was no sign of him so he turned the corner.  He was clear so he went in cautiously.  When he was done he looked both ways and started around the corner when out of nowhere Bugoy leapt at him and clung to his left thigh, mewling and hissing.  Lenny screamed and was trying to shake him off.  The door to the drawing room opened and Babic and Radic came rushing into the hall.

“Bugoy! You just stop right now.  Get off.” he said to Bugoy as if he were chastising an impudent child.

Nabokov came charging at Lenny.  When Bugoy caught sight of the dog he clawed his way up to Lenny’s head.  His claws dug into his scalp and Lenny started screaming in agony.

Nabokov started jumping on Lenny to get to the cat, growling and barking and drooling.  The cat was hissing at him.  

“Nabokov!  Down.  Get down.  Bad boy.”  Babic said to Nabokov, but to no avail.  Lenny started spinning round, his hands grabbing the cat and trying to yank him off but the cat had a strong grip on his scalp.  The dog kept jumping up on him.  Finally Babic was able to grab him by his collar and managed to bring him back into the drawing room and closed the door. The servant came running out and chanted something in what sounded like Pidgeon and Bugoy immediately jumped off Lenny’s head and sauntered off like nothing ever happened.

The servant, whom Radic addressed as Guy (pronounced [g]ee, the g being the voiced velar phoneme, more like a voiced reverse gutteral), brought out a washcloth and some liniments to tend to Lenny’s head.  He had him lay back in the lounge chair and began applying this pungent green pasty salve to his scalp.  It did not feel too unpleasant.  It was actually cooling like aloe vera on sunburn.  He massaged it into his follicles and the sting went away.  Guy said it relieves pain, prevents infection, and speeds up the healing process.  It also increases the libido. It sounded like Neosporin plus Viagra. Must be some kind of voodoo remedy.  He didn’t think he needed increased libido.  He wasn’t using any of it, that’s for sure.  Nonetheless, Lenny was grateful.

“I am sorry about what happened, Lenny,” Radic said.

“And I am sorry for Nabokov jumping on you,” Babic said.

“Do you think Serena and your son would have harmed you?” he asked Babic.

“Who knows. I know the Yugoslav would have me assassinated for Nabokov.”

“My niece has a heart as cold as a Mongolian goat herder’s bed on his wedding night.  She has certainly killed for less. Well, it’s not certain but we suspect she poisoned her childhood friend for a promotion at the slaughterhouse.”

Meanwhile, Lenny was still in a state of shock over the things that had transpired this evening.  Like Alice said, he aided and abetted a kidnapper and most likely a killer.  They might have killed him along with Babic to tie up loose ends.  Very noirish.  He was just some random schmuck that had gotten sucked into some intrigue whose life is suddenly in danger because of a woman who was trouble from the start.  Like Robert Mitchum in any one of his films. Now that he was in the thick of things he was having second thoughts about being involved in shady international affairs that involved kidnapping show dogs.

There was a gunshot in the hall.  Radic and Babic ran out of the room and saw Serena standing over Guy’s body holding a pistol.  She trained the gun on Babic.  “Uncle Radic, this is none of your concern.  I have an issue with Babic, not you”

“Is it true, Serena?  Are you in fact trying to sell Nabokov to the Yugoslavians?”

“What of it?” she replied.

“And you, Kovic, how can you betray your own father?”

“All he cares about is that stupid dog. He favors Nabokov over me, don’t you father?”

“Well,” Babic hesitated.

“See what I mean?” Kovic said.

“You are a coward.  You would allow this kurva to tell you to commit an atrocity as kidnapping your own father’s dog?  That is unforgivable. And what are you getting out of all this? How much dinars are you getting for my life?” Babic said.

“You just threatened your father’s life, Kovic. That is the reason we value our dogs.  It’s because our sons sell us out. Our dogs are faithful and devoted.  Serena, why did you slay Guy? What has he ever done to you?”

“He tried to stop me from taking Nabokov with his voodoo hex.  It obviously didn’t work. The fool. Now hand over the dog and we will leave here quietly.  If you try anything stupid I will go into Bozic’s room and shoot him like the mongrel that he is.” Serena said.

Radic’s face turned red from high blood pressure.  He looked like he was about to snap.  Even Serena paused for a second. “You will do no such thing or I will kill you with my bare hands, you filthy kurba.” He said between his teeth.

“Get me the dog, Babic,” she said pointing the gun at him.

“I would rather you shoot me dead than give you Nabokov,” Babic said.

A that moment Nabokov slipped out the door and stood in front of his master, hackles raise,and growled at Serena.  She pointed the gun at Babic and cocked the trigger.

At that moment Lenny lunged at Babic and knocked him to the floor as Serena pulled the trigger.  Guy, who wasn’t dead after all, pulled her ankle out from under her and she fell to the floor dropping her gun.  She struggled to reach for it, but Guy kept pulling her back.  Kovic grabbed the gun and pointed it at Serena.

“Lenny, are you alright?” Babic asked him, who was lying on the floor. Radic went to Lenny and felt for a pulse.  He felt a faint pulse. “Lenny’ alive, hvala Bogu!” he exlaimed.

“Yes, thank God, “ Babic said with Lenny’s head on his lap.

“Serena, did you really think I would allow you to kill my father? You think you may have immunity here but not when I send you back to Serbia, you dirty pizda. Radic, why don’t you make a reservation for her at the Fruska Gora Concentration Camp.”

“Yes, she attempted to assassinate my friend, Babic, Prime Minister of Croatia and kidnap the man’s dog. And she threatened the life of little Bozic. Oh, yes, she shot my man, Guy, and an American citizen, Lenny Longwood. That’s a long list of crimes, Serena.  For such atrocities they will not put you to death. They will keep you alive for the rest of your wretched life.”

When Lenny woke up, he saw Alice sitting on a recliner next to the bed holding a Slurpee for him.

“Hi Lenny.  How are you feeling?” she said, handing him the the icy drink .

“I guess I’m alright. What happened?” taking it gratefully.

“You were shot. A bullet missed your heart by inches.  You saved Babic’s life.”

“Where am I?”

“You’re at the Serbian Embassy. Guy is alive, too.  The bullet only grazed his left temple.”

“What a relief.”

“Lenny. You were willing to take a bullet  for the Croatian

Prime Minister and save his dog from being sold to the Yugoslavians which led to the capture of a traitor and killer. You’re an international hero.  You are responsible for a truce between the Serbians and Croatians, Lenny.  In a single night you saved lives and almost got killed doing it and united two rival countries. The President of the United States is coming to Alaska to present you with a medal of valor. Don’t you understand? You’re no longer just Lenny Longwood, Ph.D. of Astrophysics and librarian from Delaware.

He let it all sink in. Just the other night he burnt himself on frozen pizza,  crapped in his pants, ate Serbian food and was attacked by a feral cat. And he has a gunshot wound. He was feeling good about himself as he sipped his Moaning Mockingbird Slurpee.