LIMP LILY

            A guy walks out of the seven-eleven carrying a box of four hot dogs and a couple of sodas and brings it to his friend who is waiting for him at the car.

 

            ‘You forgot the paper, you shdrool,’  his friend said.

            ‘Alright, Carmine.  I’ll go get one now.’

           

            He puts the food in the car and goes back into the store.  A minute later he comes out and hands the paper to Carmine.

 

            ‘Here you go, Carmine.  Here’s the paper.’

            ‘Hand me a hot dog, will ya, Bobby?  And put some mustard on it.’

 

            Carmine spreads the sports page out over the hood of the car and begins reading the stats and odds for tonight’s races.  He eats his hot dog slowly, picking out the ones that stand out to him.  He likes alliteration and so that’s the first thing he looks for.

 

            ‘I think I know who I want, Bobby.  See who you like,’  Carmine says, handing Bobby the paper.

            ‘I want a 2-5-8 trifecta on races three through nine.  Two bills.’

            ‘Bobby, you didn’t even look at the paper,’  Carmine replies.

            ‘That’s what I want, Carmine,’  Bobby insists.

            ‘At least look at their names.’

            ‘I’ll look after, Carmine.  I’m eating my hot dog right now.’

            ‘Alright.  You’re sure?’

            ‘2-5-8 trifecta.’

 

            Carmine gets on his cell phone.  ‘Yeah, Barry?  Gimme two hundred on Limp Lily and Timmy Two Times exacta box straight through.  Gimme fifty on Limp Lily for my daughter.  Bobby wants a 2-5-8 trifecta for two hundred for races three through nine.  Yeah, that’s right. Yes, at Meadowlands Racetrack.’  He hangs up and says, ‘Bobby, hand me a soda will ya?’

            ‘Sure thing, Carmine,’ he says then hands him a can of Coke.

 

            Bobby goes into the store to get some blueberry-flavored coffee.

            ‘How are the races going, Bobby?’  The cashier asks.

            ‘It’s on the second race, Katie.’

            ‘Can you put a bet in for me?’

            ‘Sure.  Who do you like?’  Bobby asks.

            ‘I want Limp Lily for a hundred,’  Katie replies.

            ‘No problem, sweetheart.

           

            He pays for his coffee and goes back to the car.

            ‘Hey, Carmine.  Katie wants to put a hundred on Limp Lily.’

           

            Carmine makes the call.  Last week Katie won six hundred on the underdog Buckle My Shoe.  They put it out to pasture two days later.  She said she picked that particular horse because she went to pre-school that was named Buckle My Shoe in the Bronx.  What are the chances?

 

            ‘Come on Limp Lily!  Move those pretty legs, baby.  Go Timmy Two Times!’  Carmine cheers as they listen to it on the transistor radio.

            ‘2-5-8!  2-5-8!  2-5-8!’  Bobby yells.

 

            The chant ‘Limp Lily’ can be heard inside the store as well.

 

            There’s a bunch of youths that pull up in a  silver Mini who look like they just got their license and are still too young to go anywhere, so instead they smoke pot in the basement  and have come here to alleviate the munchies.  There is no better place to do this than at 7-eleven.  They have everything a high person could want.  It’s fun in there too because there’s so many shiny objects.  You can stare at the cooler where they keep all the drinks all night long.

 

  The leggy ginger orders a go-go taquito with jalepeno cream cheese.  She maintains that she is a vegetarian.  Everytime she smokes pot, she proclaims vegetarianism.  This she gets with the Big Gulp.  She needs her Coke.  Meanwhile, they all took her to Outback for her 18^th birthday last week.  She had a big juicy rib-eye.

 

            The uptight bassist gets a couple of corn dog rollers and dowses them in mustard and sweet relish.  This he decides to wash down with a strawberry-lime slurpee.  When he gets high he starts talking Yiddish.  ‘I don’t care if anybody says this is drek.  They’re meshugeh.  Stupid  feigelehs.  It hits the spot.  Es gefelt mir, so f**k ‘em.  Toches-lecker alta kockers.

 

            His wingman, gets a whole pizza for himself and an Arizona pink lemonade.

 

            The Asian girl who is in a constant state of euphoria orders a sausage biscuit because she doesn’t operate in linear time.  She gets the skinny salted caramel mocha because there are so many adjectives to describe this mocha.  She goes to the section where they sell colorful toys and bubbles, so she has to have them.  To her,  it’s sunrise and doves cooing every minute of the day. No one knows how she does it.  All of a sudden she hears a bunch of people yelling ‘Limp Lily!’  She sees the guys responsible for this and approaches them.  She has no inhibitions so she just walks over to these shady characters and starts a conversation with them.

 

            ‘Hi.  Who is Limp Lily?’  she asks while blowing bubbles at them.

            ‘She’s gonna win me six hundred dollars.  That’s who she is.’  Carmine replies.

            ‘Would you take another bet?  Is it too late?’

            ‘Nah, it ain’t too late. It’s only the fourth race.  You wanna look at the paper?’ he asks, eying her up and down.

            ‘No.  I want Limp Lily in the 8^th race for fifty bucks.’  She  is shimmying on the hood and takes the money out of her pocket and puts it between her teeth.’  He takes it out of her mouth gently.

 

            ‘I don’t normally do this, but since you seem like a nice girl, I’ll take your fifty.  The odds are six to one.’

            ‘That’s just fine.’

            ‘Okay.  This will be just between the two of us.  What’s your name?’

            ‘Lillian.’

            ‘Well, what do you know?’

 

            Lillian goes skipping back to her friends who are inhaling their food.  When they learn what she just did, they are not surprised at her impulsive behavior.  There’s no talking her out of anything.  She’s a pisser and she’s Asian so the guys do whatever she says.  Same as the ginger with the big ones.  They get to have the best of both worlds.  Too bad nobody is sleeping with either of them.

 

            ‘Limp Lily!’ everyone is yelling by now.

            The twelfth race arrives.  Two of Bobby’s placed and showed.  He’ll never learn his lesson.  Timmy Two Times never even showed.    Everyone who bet on Limp Lily won as she came in first in three races.  Looks like the girls beat the guys again.  His own daughter kicked his a*s and she’s twelve.  Her excuse was that Limp Lily feels good coming out of her mouth. ‘ L’ is her favorite letter.  Now Carmine must pay this crazy Asian girl …

 

            Katie comes out and starts jumping up and down with Lillian.  Bobby starts jumping up and down with them and squealing like they are.  Stupid Mamaluke.

 

            ‘Let’s get outta here, Bobby,’  Carmine says.

            ‘Alright Carmine, why don’t we get outta here?’

 

Carmine pays Lillian. Then says, ‘Well, it looks like ‘luck be a lady tonight.’

 

The two get in the car, and on their way out, Carmine says ‘See you next week, Katie.  And this time give me a tip, will ya?’

 

Reviews

[m.s.early]

I'm impressed by the way you weave these seemingly otherwise unrelated characters into an unexpected scenario. The detailing is exquisite and the irony is on point.