An insecure and damaged mind

This is tiring. How do you know? That she isnt cheating? She even said once she might as well, you keep asking her. What if she's meeting someone at lunch? Having small dates and not telling you? What if she's deleting texts she's sending at work? Maybe messaging others and knowing its wrong, but doesn't care. What if she pulls old stings of, "I didn't plan on it." Even though it still happened?

What if she's tired of it. Maybe she's tired of you. You're overweight, insecure, you question her all the time, you aren't Making her feel good. What if she's had it. She's tired of dealing with this disorder.

It shouldn't be this way. Maybe its a crutch. Maybe I am just making excuses. It can't be that bad having what I have. I have 8 suicides under my belt and I'm still here. Were they really attempts? Am I just so pathetic that I am looking for attention? Its not like I'm not pathetic. All i do is pack boxes now. I've already been told how this job is just packing boxes. Maybe she sees me as pathetic. I am pathetic. It can't be anything else. She's probably getting ready to be with someone else. She's home she doesn't have to worry. Everyone will agree it was deserved probably.

Time i woke up: 3:00 AM

Time all of these thoughts crossed my mind: 6:00 AM

Time now: the afternoon

Times this has repeated in my head: countless

Feeling: exhausted

Location: at work keeping my s**t together

Wife: trying her best but also exhausted about these events

I am tired of having to question everything. No one idea has ever stayed simple for me. Every thought has a dozen different scenarios, and each scenario has a dozen outcomes. I am tired. My wife is tired. I don't want to be this person anymore. The person who makes everyone else life harder. Everyone worries, everyone hopes I'm ok. I feel like a burden, and I don't have the energy to combat it. I want to be normal. I've cried myself to sleep for decades wanting to be normal. I've been through countless therapy sessions and psychiatric units in hospitals to be normal.


All that effort and I'm just insecure, damaged, and a f*****g burden. I'm just tired. Very tired.