why am i like this?

Everyday is another day that I'm able to overcome my fears and insecurities. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, I am in a battle with my subconscious to prove that I can trust and love like a normal person. Every day my fiancee gives me access to her phone and social media accounts, but I refuse to go through them because I know the questions don't stop even with evidence. I have to prove to myself that I can do this, but maybe stubbornness is my downfall as well.

One day she will be on her phone and I already know it's with her friends and family. I know there is nothing to fear, because she would not be with me if she wanted to act single. The next day I wonder why she's smiling so much in her phone, who else is giving her butterflies that i don't know about. Is it because I am too insecure that she found someone else? Is it because i lack confidence? Is it because she's bored and I cannot provide what she deserves? Why would she be with me if she wanted to entertain people disrespecting our relationship?

 That's when i catch a glimpse of her phone and see she's laughing at memes and videos I have tagged her in. That I am the person putting the smile on her face. That I am overthinking every moment, every step, every possible scenario that is totally fictional in my mind. She gives me access to her phone and i refuse to do so, but here I am making wild accusation that have no doubt put a strain on our relationship.

My mind has no limit to the asinine thoughts that run through it. First it's could she, the it's would she, then it's how dare she, then it's how can i win her back when I never lost her in the first place. My lack of self esteem has me believing she would leave me for my own friends because i find them more attractive and more interesting. I am a walking mental dilemma who only wants to be normal. have normal relationships, have normal thoughts, have normal conversations. but at least once every few days if things are going well i get anxious and believe there is something being hidden or not spoken because there's no way this joy and happiness is coming from just me as myself.

I want a week where I can see my fiancee having a convo with a friend of mine and I don't think she has a thing for them. I want a week where I don't ask her who she's talking to. I want a week where she doesn't feel pressure when her phone goes off, or  a social media alert goes off. For the love of everything I hold dear, i just want one week where I can be normal.