When I drink

I wake up and I realize I have another day of life. I have the opportunity to make the necessary changes to become a better person. The potential can be endless depending on how I view the world. However, the world isn't as optimistic or forgiving. I am reminded my f**k ups, my let downs, my shortcomings, my endless self pity and doubt that I cannot escape. Even one day of sobriety can be shot down as a happy thought my your loved ones when they remind you of your crippling Visa. You begin to wonder what's the point if you are gonna live in your shame. That is until I begin to drink.

When I drink, the memories that haunt me quiet down and my nerves are at ease. When I drink, my hatred towards myself turns to a beautiful euphoria that cannot be explained nor understood by anyone except me. When I drink, the voices turncoat and begin to encourage my ideas and dreams.

The alcohol turns judgemental stares into welcoming eyes, harsh words to caring lectures, and screams to laughs amongst peers. The alcohol becomes a dependency I grow to endure unwanted memories and regrets my shoulders grow tired carrying. Until I realize I need to calm down.

When I begin to subdue the beast I've fed and groomed, my entire world begins to crumble. When I call for help and I'm reminded how many times I've failed to get better. To be proud of one day of sobriety and be reminded that one day doesn't undo weeks, months, or years of addiction. When your loved ones mean to help you see clear by reminding you the days before as if you arent the one who had to live within this twilight zone you cant escape. Then the alcohol realizes weakness and takes its opportunity.

They arent telling me to remember the week before so I can stay strong, it's to remember the f**k up I am. My loved ones become the enemy by accidentally being insensitive, not understanding the depth of your vice and the lengths it will go to stay alive. The welcoming eyes turn to judgemental stares, the caring lectures turn to harsh words,and laughs turn to a maximum decibel scream that is your constant reminder that you will never be good enough.

You find yourself in a catch 22 where your vice keeps you going, but in a depressive state. Your drink turns from joy to pain making your mind. Body, and soul beg for a break. Then you go from drinking to have fun, to drinking to forget. Till one day your loved ones tell you your minor accomplishments are overshadowed by your failures, and you drink to not wake up again.you drink till you give out hoping your heart and brain join you in stopping for the night.
But then I wake up. I realize I have the opportunity to make the necessary changes to become a better person. The potential can be endless depending on how I view the world. However, the world isn't as optimistic or forgiving. I am reminded my f**k ups, my let downs, my shortcomings, my endless self pity and doubt that I cannot escape. Even one day of sobriety can be shot down as a happy thought my your loved ones when they remind you of your crippling Visa. You begin to wonder what's the point if you are gonna live in your shame. That is until I begin to drink.


And it continues.