The guilt of doing better

The worst part about finally being ahead of your dark stage has to be people telling you how it was just a phase. How the depression you suffered is a past time, and that you no longer have a reason to be down. The fact you are doing ok now is your downfall, as people all put in their two cents about how you should’ve done this from the start. “Why didn’t you stop being stupid back then? You knew you shouldn’t have done this.”
why is it so hard for people to understand what depression is? I am not speaking of people who try to blend in. I am not speaking of people who use this term to get pity. I had to drag myself across my mind made of asphalt, feeling the dreadful sensation millions feel to get my s**t together. I had to lose an amazing relationship with the most beautiful woman ever to be alone, and finally learn to be ok. I had to forgive the worst human being who made me feel guilty for a drug overdose she helped cause to finally learn to love again. I had to forgive myself for putting myself in that situation. And I had to forgive people who got a high off talking horrible about me to forget the s**t parenting they did.

I had family speaking the worst things about me. I had friends trying to keep me at such a s**t level so they didn’t feel guilty about their short comings. I had to apologize to two women who’ve I hurt both physically and emotionally. The amount of work that went into learning to move forward was unbearable. And I didn’t do it to tell other to quit their bitching. I did it so I could help those who think it’s impossible learn it take time and energy; Even if they don’t have energy to spare.

I still drink three times a week. One of those days I spent crying my eyes out to get out all the s**t I bottle up. No, it’s not because of how horrible s**t is. It’s from me trying to pretend I’m ok, when I’m not. My medicine causes priapism; go f**k yourself if you laughed. I have to deal with panic attacks, and severe depression without the medication that makes me feel normal. All the while, I keep myself the rock for friends, because it’s the only time I feel ok. The only time I’m ok is when I know I’m doing my friends favors.
My high is off knowing I was there for someone. My high is off knowing I have acceptance from people. As sad as it may seem, I get my high off knowing people think ok of me. That’s where my mind is. I hope I’m just not a waste of space so much so, that the only way I feel ok is if I help people. So if the worst finally happens, I off myself, maybe people won’t say horrible things about me.

Is this your life? No? Don't f*****g talk of it like you understand it. Don’t talk of it like you know, so you look deep and profound while millions are struggling to be normal. Don’t fake it, and don’t s**t on it. For f**k sakes, Kurt Cobain was a millionaire, offed himself because he was too goddamn lost. This isn’t a sickness to brush off. And because people can pull themselves from the fire, doesn’t mean they aren’t battling a lifelong illness. I have three semicolons on my tattoo from the three suicide attempts on my life. I have a savings account to be a responsible adult, and half the time I am thinking, “a funeral costs :enter amount here” that’s all I need to save.”
that’s a very real thing. That’s a reality people with this mentality face. So when you see me, don’t tell me how others should follow in my footsteps. Don’t tell others that they’re being p*****s. I’ll help them the best I can, keep your ignorant fuckace self away from them. Thank you, goodbye.