Tormented Soul

Life with a mental disorder

The worse thing about having a mental disorder has to be the guilt. There is a guilt you face living your life within the means you’re capable of doing so. Just an immense guilt feeling like you’re the only one on this planet who goes through these problems, but knowing this disorder is all too common. It’s just that nobody talks about it. The unbearable guilt feeling so utterly alone, but knowing there are a dozen people willing to drop all their responsibilities for you if you ask them to do so. Feeling this insufferable guilt when people tell you that there’s no such thing as a mental disorder, and to get over yourself. And the excruciating guilt believing that you’re making your disorder up, so you should feel ashamed for even feeling so low.

Shall we go into the advice people would give you? “Tell the voices to go away” “man up” “stop being a b***h” “everyone hears voices, relax” and (my personal favorite) “can’t you keep it to yourself?” You come across people with absolutely no knowledge on what it is to have this mind telling you that you’re doing it wrong. People who have never read into what it is to have this mental virus telling you that you’re just being a weak little b***h about it. People who didn’t even know this disorder even existed are telling you that you need to get over yourself. Imagine being told you’re trying to be special, as if you’re wearing this crippling truth as a badge of f*****g honor.

Then there’s the medicine you take. The Russian roulette of pills given to you 2, 3, 4, 5 at a time to see which ones can keep you balanced. The side effects can cause you to almost kill yourself in your dorm room, because the medicine made your depression so strong you couldn’t take it. Fear sets in as you go through side effects that cause you to black in and out, unable to understand your surroundings or how you came to that destination. I would be given the most crippling side effect that made me the laughing pariah in my group of friends.

Priapism, let’s get into priapism shall we. Priapism is when you have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours without mental or physical stimulation. HAHAHAHAHA funniest f*****g thing right? Do you know the way to get rid of it? A needle into the shaft to inject medicine to help it go away. Are you still erect? Don’t worry, the doctors will insert a needle into the other side of the shaft to drain the blood. I have had this expensive ($2500 for the hospital visit, not including the doctor fee) procedure done over a dozen times. If this is traumatizing, why do I make this a joke? Because people are going to find this hysterical whether I want them to or not. I make people laugh about it because I need to soften the blow of people finding the most physically painful experience of my life just the funniest thing they’ve ever heard.

I wake up a minimum of 3 times a night to make sure I don’t have this problem, sometimes running into the shower crying begging that I don’t have to go to the hospital again. I have not had a good night sleep in years, and I always need some excuse to mask the real reason why. That’s my life. Since the age of 22 (I am 26 now) this has been my life day in and day out. And I make this experience the funniest thing anyone has ever heard, while silently dying inside wishing this problem would go away. These are the problems I face. These are the problems I go through. This list is extensive, but I will shorten it to help understand what many go through with me.

§  It’s having symptoms of being reckless with money to feel a sense of happiness, and scolding yourself for being the generic schizophrenic.

§  It’s having your family call you retarded, and having to explain the difference.

§  It’s looking into your nieces eyes and indirectly telling them to not be a f**k up like yourself, even though you try your best to be a good person.

§  It’s slowly falling apart somewhere, running into the nearest bathroom with tears in your eyes silently screaming to yourself, “Don’t do it. Don’t you f*****g dare ruin other people’s day because you can’t keep it together.”

§  It’s falling into the symptom of high addiction and being known as the drunk of your friends/family.

§  It’s having to talk to people who, for some reason, want to compete with how “troubled” they are. As if there’s a winner in such a stupid competition.

§  It’s feeling like the shittiest person for feeling alone, when you know you’re truly loved by many.

§  It’s calling the suicide hotline twice a month bawling your eyes out, because you don’t want to bother people with your problems.

§  It’s having people tell you to man up, because it’s not my disorder. It’s me being a b***h.

§  It’s hurting the lovers who trusted you, and living with the guilt of what you’ve done.

§  And it’s keeping all of these things out of sight of other people. It’s being the life of any party you walk into, because the happiness you get from making them laugh keeps you going. It’s helping others the way you can never help yourself to feel somewhat complete. It’s being the rock for the world, while balancing the one on your back.
 

It’s showing the smile, and not the scars. That’s what life with this disorder is.

Author's Note

This has not been strongly revised. It is just raw emotion written down the minute I felt this way.

Reviews

[Sesame]

Hello Mercystateofmind,

I gather from your note that this is about you. The raw emotion certainly came through and hit me. Powerful stuff. Good job. Since you have already mentioned this has not yet been strongly revised, I will mention I can see this and I am not going to do it for you, I feel that the author should always have a go at this himself/herself. Now I have another thing for you to consider: what is the reason you have written this? I ask this question because I definetly feel you can write a novel based on these experiences. You have already listed some events, themes that could form the basis of your story. If you are interested in something like this, try and give examples, write down anecdotes about those examples, what happened before and after? Describe the scene. And voila: your book is ready. Good luck.

Regards,

Sesame

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www.themagiccave.com