i'm thinking Iceland

#5

these damages were not unforseen

you know i've tried everything

to make you understand

i've been folding winning hands

and taking bullets

i run the gauntlet

for you

and we wont live this legend anymore

because we're dead,dead in the water 

in the muck pile no one will ever know what we had,

do you even know

why should i bother?

classic cut and run

to a far off island

i just want to go 

as far away from mexico

as i can, as i can

i'm thinking Iceland 

and maybe just maybe 

you'll catch up on lost sleep

stop being such a creep

what are you gonna do 

when he follows through

and he's not gonna be so honest?

a sad divergence -

has been coming to you,

maybe then you'll be true

maybe then you'll be true

Reviews

[JayG]

• these damages were not unforseen
Uhhh...what damages? You know. The person this was written about knows. But the one you wrote it for? They can't even guess. And it matters not at all if you clarify later, because "Huh?" once said cannot be retroactively removed.

You had context as you wrote. So it has meaning. Doesn't the reader deserve the same?

• you know i've tried everything
Actually, I don't. I don't know what we're talking about, or what I've done (or who you're talking to if not me).

• i've been folding winning hands
What can this mean to someone who knows neither party, what the line refers to, or the smalllest thing that led to this?

Never lose sight of the fact that the goal isn't to tell the reader things, or talk about how you feel. it's to make them FEEL.

[mercy party]

Thanks for an honest evaluation. I will take what i can from it and work harder. I find what you said to be important. Stay tuned for the next one as it might fill in some blanks. As a writer there can be a fine line between poor character development and suspense. thanks for the tip.

[Lauren Nicks]

I actually really enjoyed this writing. The beautiful thing about poetry (one of the main reasons why I love it) is because you can interpret it any way you like. And I did connect to this in my own way. Job well done :)

[Sir_Anonymous]

This was an enjoyable read and I can only guess this is about someone you either liked or had some sort of realationship with.

I quite like the first stanza the most it just somehow spoke the loudest that and it sounds cool that's always a plus.

Did you put the same two sentences at the end on purpose because I think only one of them delivers a good stopping point and the second one just kinda feels like a run on for no reason.

Sincerely,Sir_Anonymous

[mercy party]

thanks for checking it out. yea, as far as the doubling down on the last line it was for the sake of song. it's funny you mention it, i was conflicted.

[Kesha]

Oh wow. This piece seemed to break my heart, it's very sad but very well written. I loved how I could feel exactly what the writer was feeling. This is amazing.

[JUPITER21]

Are you Johnny Cash?
I read #4 and it left me wondering where is this dude going to go. "in the muck pile" . Having a poker reference makes you an official Cowboy! I cant wait for more, what happens to the hero?

[mercy party]

I do where black : ). I'm glad this interests you. good catching the poker reference. You can count on the next chapter every day at 5:04 PM.

[Papaya]

Classic cut and run...
Yeah, I do find this to be very much something I can relate to. Running away from pain to greener lands.
It sounds like love ditched true love for something not quite up to par. Love the first stanza that shows all the sacrifices the speaker has made for love...