untitled

I’m the type of girl who will fill my cup to the brim with tea and then only end up drinking ¾ and wasting the last .25. Why do I even bother to fill it up when i’m not likely to drink it all! Every damn morning this happens.

I always worry, constantly worrying about something - Like if the the tea wasn’t filled enough, or if the tea had been tampered with, or if the tea wasn’t going to be hot enough or taste like it does every single damn day.

Every morning I feed my 4 cats in a row. 1 after the other, like they are little toy soldiers who don’t actually wind up (unless you pull their tails.) They dont march very well neither, but I guess that is to be expected. I'm always saying that they need to lose weight but every day I give in to their innocent faces and feed them all equally. 1 teasoon each of wetfood for breakfast and then 1 cup per cat of the dry. I often wonder what the food tastes like because the scent of it is rank enough to make you lose your cookies !

I’m the type of person who absolutely HAS to answer the phone when it rings. Even if its someone I hate, or I’m (trying to be mad at.) Similarly to your granny who racks up the phone bill with those telemarketers and claim's "but it rings!"

Florida (yes, the state) called me today. They wanted to know if I would test out some skin products like they just instantly knew I would answer. “This is that crazy cat lady! Curiosity killed the cat and she must be a cat!” They were right cause I picked up only to be disappointed that it wasnt you. (not like you live in Florida, but, maybe you’ve moved?)

You told me a week ago that you were “emotionally dead inside!” What the f**k does that even mean? Hunny, we’re all hurting inside. You told me you didn't know how to love. Nobody knows how to love, its just something we’re supposed to do !

I’m not good at questioning you though or reading you to be quite honest. You’re about as helpful as those self help books i’m meant to do (but never do.) You always send me mixed signals and i’m too stupid to read between the lines!
I always fill my glasses and plates with too much and never finish it. Actually, I have this weird thing where I always have to leave the ends of things. Like the last bite of the Thanksgiving dinner or the end of a candy cane at Christmas (I hate christmas!) But things like that are normal. And if they're not then they are strange things no one really cares about.

The other day somebody told me they “snapped” at a person on the bus for sniffling. “Here, have a damn klenex” They said. I wonder what that girl thought of her. She probably thought she was just having a bad day or something or maybe she was intimidated by her I really dont know, but these are things that run through my mind everyday.

Do you ever get intimidated? You act so tough like you arent afraid of anything. But ive been told that everyone is afraid of something, but with you, I cant seem to figure it out!

You like serial killer movies, and getting into the minds of them. I like psychology and getting into the mind of you, but that just sounds creepy.

You started a job placement. I was half heartedly happy for you, but also sad cause you’d be ignoring me for most of the day. You tell me you never actually ignore me on purpose. But what about that night I stared at my phone for 3 hours waiting for you to respond cause you had read the message. Was this a hint to f**k off?
Last night you made me feel alive again. You tortured me with the thought of cuddling you, laying ontop of you, your arms stretched around me until we both fell in to a deep slumber.  You told me you've never been with a girl but you'd like to. Truthfully, i've never really been with one either. (sexually speaking.)
You love showers. Why is that? You've never actually told me and i'm too afraid to ask. Is it something to do with the way the water drowns out all other sounds? Or if you are crying nobody knows? Water isnt that pretty to me. Alot of people like the ocean view, but I just wonder about the fish and see past the bottom-less tap.
"Kind-hearted and good-looking" What kind of s**t-head says stuff like that? You know i'm not one for compliments! The worst of all is the fact that I lie to you. I tell you things like "this is the real me" and blame it on my "BPD". You told me once that you googled what a BPD is. (did you really?) I hope you never actually fall for me, or atleast to the point of me believing that you have because I'll leave. I hope you believe this !
You had some sort of penne chicken tonight. You told me exactly what it was but right now I'm too pissed to care to check. I'm probably going to drink tonight (I havent in ages because I get suicidal when I do) But I know you dont care (do you?) Somebody wise told me that I didnt need an excuse to drink or any kind of valid reason. Shes right ! You probably think I'm obsessed with you but guess what i'm not. I'm just writing a story (or am i?) We both love Icecream, and we both love to binge eat and then moan that we feel sick. Are you just copying me and if so stop! get your own identity and stop using mine! Also, i had chicken chef tonight it was soooo grand! I dont know how to explain it but like this "greasy madness". You once asked me to pronounce "twat." Like do I speak in broken english to you or somethin'? You like to tease me and tell me i'm American. I'm not f*****g american, I'm Canadian ! It sounds like i'm shouting but really I'm not you just nit pick a bit and it gets me going.
When you asked me if I was feeling creative and inspired earlier I said no. Surprise! I was lying again. I've been lying to you alot lately. I dont want to hurt you, but for some reason I always do. Sometimes I flirt with this girl in my country. But shes preggers and has her s**t together! So do you, but for some reason I still waste my time on you!
I know we all have self destructive behaviour. We all dislike something about ourselves. There's body shaming, anorexia, bulimia, cutting, or binge drinking, everyone has their own way of dealing. But I didnt realize "self harm" could be so drastic on so many levels. You told me you liked fire and instantly I called you a "Pyro", you laughed it off like it was nothing. "Pyro" is something hundred of kids call themselves everyday. But did you know that pyromania is actually a legitamate mental disorder. It is said that people who have it will set things on fire or explode things for satisfaction.  Lets not get confused with the norm though. Just because I carry a lighter around with me does not make me pyromanic.
You once told me this: "I don't like fire because it gets me off, I like fire because it's amazing" so I dug a little deeper. Then you told me this: "I self harm but I don't cut." and then I asked you what you did only to be honestly a little stunned.  "I burn" ... that sentence should have raised red flags for me, and sent me running, but a part of me was kind of intrigued.  
Maybe you feel like you are a bird trapped in cage, and the only way out is to explode the place. All whilst knowing that you will live because you have these wings to carry you high above the burning flames below you. Or maybe you are a thrill-seeker. As if somewhere in the plan of saving people, you forgot to save yourself!
I'm worried you'll think less of me now. Like the fact that you've been so dark and twisted, and I'm still around must tell you something about me. Wondering each second of the day of what you'll do next. Almost like the suffering you'd endure reading an open but book but having broken glasses. The pages are there, blurry and out of focus, but with determination you can still make sense of it somehow.
I think you hate this story. You're probably reading it right now and thinking "that stupid c**t never loved me!" or "she's totally using me just for her story and its my f*****g life here, not hers!" You're right, I hate my story too. I hate my life. I hate the way everyday something in me just ticks and I break down and text you when all I really want is for you to text me !  You tell me the struggle to not  "burn" is difficult. I know all about difficult and struggles. I've been burnt quite a few times, and i'll probably get burnt a few more times! We've all been burnt just like we've all been hurt. I'm sure its nothing in comparison to real thing, but I'd test this theory with you if you'd just let me. It was a couple days ago when I told you I had burnt my arm on the stove. You brushed off the sentence like it didn't even exist. I understand now though!

Tea and falling snow aren't nearly enough for me. The way the car screeches in the mornings when I try to stop because I've drifted off to one side to check your message even when its usually nothing short of "ok". 2 letters that usually mean so little to somebody, mean so much to me, when they are from you. Any bit of attention, I'll take.

Some people just cant date writers. I wonder if this is you? Some day's you comment on things I write like you can somehow relate to it. Other days you just brush past it like I'm some extraterrestrial talking in a foreign language.