Finding My Ivory Tower

it really happened to me. this is my life.

our love was young,

our daughter even younger,

to provide for my family,

that was my hunger

things started out,

as well as can be,

until my depression,

ruined all that I see

I started to obsess,

about making her happy,

when she wasn’t I was lost,

I know that sounds sappy

I hated myself,

and all that I was,

the inner hate grew,

as it always does

if she wasn’t happy,

then neither was I,

she got fed up, 

after time drifted by

she could take it no more,

I was turning into a vegetable,

she could not stand,

to be up on my pedestal

she sat me down,

I wiped away her tears,

she said she was leaving,

but its been a good few years

she said,

“why can’t you be happy,

without me always around?,

you need to stop hating yourself,

and put away your frown

its then I realized,

I clung to tight,

so you pushed me away,

you said space was needed,

nowhere near I can stay

a lake of my tears,

on the ground I have found,

I dive right in,

there lies where I drown

all you said,

was my depression got worse,

you can’t be with me,

until I break this curse

so you walked away,

and I lowered my head,

maybe this is the plan,

and now I should be dead

my nerves start to shake,

as blade meets the skin,

I’ve grown so tired,

of this game I can’t win

but right as I slice,

my way out of this world,

my phone starts to ring,

my thoughts sway and they swirl

what’s going on?,

this isn’t right,

nobody cares for me,

yet this call comes tonight

I pick up the phone,

a soft voice meets my ear,

my kind mother’s words,

my eyes start to tear

she says

“I know what’s happened,

let’s think about this,

don’t hurt yourself,

that’s my one wish”

there’s a strain in her voice,

as she starts to cry,

her tears are contagious,

because so do I

“you have no idea,

how much your family loves you,

if you killed yourself,

we would all do it too

“things will get better,

you only need time,

problems can’t just,

turn on a dime

that’s when I said,

these soft spoken words,

“mom, I want to die,

I can’t break this curse”

she says

“but imagine for me,

what would happen to your daughter,

if she went her life,

not knowing her father”

“if you did it you’d never,

see her beautiful smile,

and when she got married,

who would walk her down the aisle?”

I choke back my tears,

and say to her very straight,

“I have to mother,

for myself there is to much hate”

she sobs into the phone,

“you have another caller,

he must say a few words,

so here is your father”

I wipe my tears,

as my dad takes the line,

“I’m here for you son,

everything will be fine”

my anger builds up,

“that line just wont work,

I am destined to die,

to escape all the hurt”

“making her and baby happy,

was all I had left,

now they are gone,

so this is the final step”

“dad, I have nothing,

no woman, no pride,

my death is imminent,

I will take it in stride”

he says “come on son,

listen to me,

time will pass,

fine you will be”

“you will see baby,

half of the day,

she is your reason,

that you should now stay”

it’s not very often,

that I’ve heard my dad cry,

he says “if this is it,

well then this is goodbye”

“but before you decide,

to take that route,

give me a minute,

just here me out”

the line starts to crackle,

he’s choked up with snot,

from visions of me,

and my body of rot

how can his dear,

one and only son,

not face his problems,

but instead turn and run?

he says “I know how it is,

I have depression too,

but if you can’t fight it,

then know we all love you”

I hang up the phone,

and break down on the floor,

with all the crying and thinking,

my head is clouded and sore

I’m so exhausted,

I pas out on the ground,

when I wake back up,

a new mind frame I’ve found

how can my depression,

have such power over me?,

I was going to kill myself,

when the next few years I haven’t seen

now I understand why she left,

we fell out of touch,

because she could not stand,

that I made her my crutch,

I just hope she can be happy now,

because I love her so much,

and I hope one day she’ll see,

that my life has changed,

I will be happy,

and my life rearranged

and my little girl,

why was I so dumb?,

I should’ve thought of you,

but my mind was broken and numb

with your eyes so big,

and your smile so wide,

I want to live for you,

I’ll be right at your side

baby, please don’t hate me,

for the things I have done,

for I am a simple man,

my learning has just begun

but I no longer want to die,

I want to carry on,

I want a good life,

right here, under the sun

I want to grow old,

and watch you grow too,

because my dear daughter,

your father loves you

so what my parents said,

carried with so much power,

it’s time I get help,

building my ivory tower

Reviews

[Becca Bishop]

Lengthy though it was, I absolutely loved this one, especially the stanza, "I hated myself/and all that I was/the inner hate grew/ as it always does". Amazing! Your rhyme about the vegetable was a little forced...maybe consider a different choice of words there? A lot of the dialogue seems to be yoda-ized. That's what I call stuff like "fine will you be", "and my body of rot" and "that you should now stay". Of course, there's nothing particularily wrong with these lines, but they just kind've sound funny, don't you think? But what do I know? :P
I loved the ending. I'm so glad that he made it out of his depression and learned a lesson, too!!! That's the best kind of trial: one you can learn from. This is so sad and beautiful, wonderfully bittersweet. Great job!!!

[Superfluous Thinking]

I think you are absolutely right. Thanks for the review. Yea the vegetable line was a hard one. I just really wanted to include the pedestal line. And the Yoda thing is right too. Its still a work in progress. I am glad you liked it so thank you