Genesis

Ok. Nyla is officially my favorite character. :D Ok, now you wanted me to be harsh, so I'm gonna be harsh. But please don't take any offense or hate me for it. I can't tell who your main character is. She is having average reactions (which I take to be normal....), and she needs some quirks of her own. I loved your freak-out moments with this character since she reacts to nervousness in her own way. But maybe dramatize that a little more. What does she do when she's nervous? Does she fiddle with her hair? Bite on her nails? What does she do that makes her unique? Also, a word of suggestion--Try not to use too many capitalized words. It's a matter of grammar. Kind of like how you (or at least I would be...sorry...I've got a very strict english teacher :P) would be annoyed if someone put something like "SOOOOOOOOO, the rabbit ate the carrot and lived happily ever after". See, that SOOOOOOOOO is annoying, yes? You don't HAVE to use capitalized letters to signify your character's distress, so I would suggest avoiding it. Also, judging by the rate of freaking out your character has been doing, I personally think her reaction should be bigger to a friend she believes is "dead". Also, there's also the issue of "shouldn't she have recognized him before?" problem, since he was a past friend, don't you think Zahra would've recogonized the guy? This is definitely very interesting, and I'd like to see how it develops. I like you ending cliffhanger, although I'll admit, the beginning doesn't have much of one (or is it just that I'm too picky? I'll leave that to you to decide. :D) I'd like to see more of Zahra's relationship with her mom, and maybe even her relationship with her dad. As her dad would be her remaining parent, he has a great amount of likeliness to influence Zahra, so I'd like to see a bit of an interaction with Zahra's dad. Does he approve of the modeling or no? Anyway, this story is definitely interesting and I hope I haven't taken up too much space with my rant. :D Good job! This is pretty good for a first draft!

Posted 12 Years Ago

I hope you don't edit this too much, because it's amazing! I love all your stories, they're fantastic. Please please please write more!

Posted 12 Years Ago

Thanks

Posted 12 Years Ago

I wouldn't suggest editting this right now if this is going to expand into a book. Make a note of what you need to fix and go right on with your rough draft, if it is a book. Edit after you've written everything, unless you find some major problem that prevents you from finishing the rest of the book or plot problems...

:D Good luck!

Posted 12 Years Ago

Oh so true. Looks like i got some editing to do. Thanks so much. I'm loving that you tell the truth.

Posted 12 Years Ago

Ok. Nyla is officially my favorite character. :D Ok, now you wanted me to be harsh, so I'm gonna be harsh. But please don't take any offense or hate me for it. I can't tell who your main character is. She is having average reactions (which I take to be normal....), and she needs some quirks of her own. I loved your freak-out moments with this character since she reacts to nervousness in her own way. But maybe dramatize that a little more. What does she do when she's nervous? Does she fiddle with her hair? Bite on her nails? What does she do that makes her unique? Also, a word of suggestion--Try not to use too many capitalized words. It's a matter of grammar. Kind of like how you (or at least I would be...sorry...I've got a very strict english teacher :P) would be annoyed if someone put something like "SOOOOOOOOO, the rabbit ate the carrot and lived happily ever after". See, that SOOOOOOOOO is annoying, yes? You don't HAVE to use capitalized letters to signify your character's distress, so I would suggest avoiding it. Also, judging by the rate of freaking out your character has been doing, I personally think her reaction should be bigger to a friend she believes is "dead". Also, there's also the issue of "shouldn't she have recognized him before?" problem, since he was a past friend, don't you think Zahra would've recogonized the guy? This is definitely very interesting, and I'd like to see how it develops. I like you ending cliffhanger, although I'll admit, the beginning doesn't have much of one (or is it just that I'm too picky? I'll leave that to you to decide. :D) I'd like to see more of Zahra's relationship with her mom, and maybe even her relationship with her dad. As her dad would be her remaining parent, he has a great amount of likeliness to influence Zahra, so I'd like to see a bit of an interaction with Zahra's dad. Does he approve of the modeling or no? Anyway, this story is definitely interesting and I hope I haven't taken up too much space with my rant. :D Good job! This is pretty good for a first draft!

Posted 12 Years Ago