Sophisticated Hate

Sophisticated conversations held around the dinner table
Similar to a royal family. Only speaking of what is wrong with everyone else and never why. Especially never what could be wrong with your self. Only what you have done, and how you can never act that way, "it is not lady like or manly to do so". Sitting at this royal table I do my best to stay tuned in. But, before long whispers fly through my mind. Tell them! They have no right! Really you can change their mind and then you can be a little more free. But, really? What's the point. It really will do no good. The same answer will come, "you have lil ones who need you to be a strong woman". They will never get it, I wish they saw the grey in this part of the world. So I sit with my whispers, trapped with my shame. To go back to my place and ponder questions of how, why and change. With this all that I can say is does anyone really think that I or anyone would really chose to:
Not shower, sleep, not dress themselves appropriately , miss work, burn their arms, want to die? This a choice over small and big moments being missed over these horrible side effects of an illness...YES...an illness. What else.
I have always been the stronger person, the one never bullied. The one to break physical strength and stamina records. I am mentally strong as well, I could set up a mini bulletin point page for this. So my only conclusion is, this has to be an true illness. Those Sophisticated conversation are slowly killing me....I do not know how much longer I can sit and not say what this really is. Its like not admitting your mom died of heart disease or you and your family does not have a chance of getting diabetes. Ignorance, I tell you, will always be there in some way shape or form.
melz1108