thirty

Tuesday, May 17. 2016

10:27

I remember that it hurt, looking at her hurt.

I wish I could come up with an opening line like that. 

Yesterday I had a big mac for the second time in my life and I almost finished it, but I've had a stomach ache ever since. I have it right now. I don't do well with fast food.

Jones comes back tonight instead of tomorrow night so I can go see him tomorrow. I'm super excited.

13:15

I like to think I have a pretty good memory when it comes to my past, but in fact there are so many holes. Holes as in memories I didn't know existed and memories that have been tampered with unknowingly. 

I can't think of a single memory relating to my mother, except for the day of her funeral. How depressing is that. I don't remember how tall or short she was, the smile she had, the color in her eyes and the smell of family. None of those I can remember. 

I remember how excited I was on the morning of her funeral because I thought we were finally going to see her after her long vacation. I remember going into my parents room, which was after just my dad's, and having such a innocent smile. I remember arriving at the funeral home and seeing my close friend who I practically call my cousin and her whole family. Her and I were the same age, yet she knew what was going on and I didn't. I remember asking her if she was excited and she wasn't, and my friend of only seven years old was the person to tell me that my mother was dead.

Now I don't know if this memory has been tampered with, if half of this was a dream or if my brain filled in spots to make the memory less painful. 

I just wish I could remember something.

20:45

During dinner, which was about fifteen minutes ago, I starting thinking about Kale. However, this time it was different. Usually when I think about him I think of just him, about how he's doing or how he's changed since we haven't seen each other in over two years, but now I think of him and see her. I see them together and them holding hands, laughing, smiling, being like a couple. It's bittersweet, because I know I don't want to see them together in my mind but it also makes me think of him less, which is very good.

And on the other hand, I just came upstairs to my room to discover he had texted me first. Coincidence?