twenty four

Monday, May 9. 2016

22:11

I felt it just now, and it's still in my head as I write this and I watch my fingers scramble across the keyboard. The depersonalization. Is that even a word? It shows up as incorrect when I write it. I've been reading a new book I got yesterday and I am happily almost finished it as I have brought it out with me today and read it everywhere, and as I was just reading it while laying on my bed, I looked up at my hands that were wrapped around the edges of the book and felt as if those weren't mine. And when I moved them, they did not feel as if they belonged to me, as if I was watching a first person movie of someone else reading this book. As I looked around my room I felt as if I was not in my room and that I am simply dreaming, and to add to my fear, I feel it right now. I think I'm having a panic attaack. 

Breathe. Don't look around. Concentrate on what you are writing. Count to 10. 1, 2, 3, (sigh), 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, (sigh), 9, 10. Don't look around. Don't stare at one place. Staring at one place is bad, keep your eyes fluttering around. 

My hands don't feel real. I'm scared to look at myself in the mirror. How long has it been since my last incident? Months I think. 

GO on your phone. Don't tell your boyfriend. Google help.

No, my last depersonalization was last week. I feel like crying. It was 4 days ago. I'm really crying now. 

Breathe.

You're fine.