twenty three

Monday, April 18. 2016

9:40

It's my birthday. I couldn't be less excited. 

So far I have received birthday texts from, let me count, 6 people. In all honesty, I don't care how many people text me happy birthday, it still won't make it any more exciting. 

You see, birthday's have been a crisis for me every year. They are nothing but a day started with hopeful wishes and ending with my heart filled with so much pain. 

I had a dream last night that took place at my elementary school. It was my birthday, and my cast and I were rehearsing for a play that I was the star in. I was turning 19, just as I did today, but the thought of being at my elementary did not occur to me. Halfway through rehearsals, another actor took my spot, and then another took the directors place, and soon the whole play was no longer my play and I was the outcast. No one paid attention to me, nobody greeted me happy birthday. I cried and cried, I cried so hard it felt like my heart was exploding out of my chest and there was no way to fix it. It felt like someone had struck me with a spear right through my skin and into my heart, yet it was still beating, and every beat made the pain worse. It felt eternal.

I woke up with puffy eyes from crying myself to sleep, because yesterday I dreaded today. I dreaded my birthday arrival because I knew birthdays are something to be celebrated but instead I hate them. 

And now, here I am, another happy birthday text message in my phone, but no real plans to do anything. Here I am, laying in bed with my laptop on my lap and my parents at work. Here I am, my boyfriend (God knows where) not responding to my cry for attention on this 'special' day. Here I am, another birthday depressed, lonely, and left with a painful heart.

22:38

Update.

I can't believe I am saying this, but I had a fantastic day. Well, a fantastic day AFTER noon.

You see, that whole excerpt about me being depressed and lonely was all true, and I did feel all of that and have felt all of that on past birthdays. But past birthdays, despite dating my boyfriend for 2 years, did not have Jones. 

After writing my morning entry above, I crawled into my sheets and shut the lights and blinds, opened a tab to Netflix, and searched for a depressing movie. I ended up lingering around Twilight (just great) but closed my laptop quickly after as tears gathered in my eyes. I felt them coming and I had to say out loud, "Don't you dare cry". 

I laid in bed for about an hour, staring at the wall, the ceiling, the ground, the pillow, until I gathered myself to make it to my desk. I turned on my camera and began to film my, what I thought would be, new series to my YouTube channel, a vlog series of daily entries. However, my SD card crashed, causing me to crawl back into bed, when shortly after I received a message from Jones saying, "Come outside".

After that, the day took off. 

Now I don't want to write my day on here because it would take another 50 or so paragraphs before I cover all of the details, but in result I feel satisfied. I spent my 19th birthday beautifully, and my heart feels warm.

Before I end this, I quickly want to shout out this article I read this morning that really got to me and motivated me to get up. The link will be below and it describes exactly how I felt and it made me feel as if I wasn't alone.

http://slightlynuttywriter.blogspot.ca/2009/05/pre-birthday-depression.html

Birthday depression is real.