five

Wednesday, January 20. 2016

21:26

Last night I went to bed at 5 in the morning. Insomnia is a b***h.

On the bright side when I ended up falling asleep, I slept until 1 pm so I suppose that is a solid amount of hours asleep. I am so glad that I don't have school on Wednesdays. Today I had the intention to go hangout with Jones but his mom had to get some surgery done at the hospital and Jones went along with her. Of course I didn't mind, in fact I was slightly happy that I had the day to spend in bed.

I ended up going out with my little brother Louis, my step mom Gabrielle, and my (step) dad Dante. There's a reason why I put step in brackets for my dad but I don't feel like getting into that just yet.

We all went out and grabbed food and then my step mom and I went shopping. I ended up getting these adorable brown boots that I have been wanting to get for a while from Top shop and a denim shirt/ blouse from Zara. 

I'm not in the mood to talk deep about anything right now.

23:22

I want to talk about something that I've mostly kept to myself over the past few years. To add a little background information, I used to do drugs. I've tried marijuana, MDMA, and "shrooms". I'm not proud of this past, and it's something that I try my best to avoid talking about or even thinking about. 

One time in grade 10, it was my second time trying shrooms, I had a bad trip. This drug is eaten in the form of mushrooms and it messes up the human brain and makes the world through one's eyes transform. People who consume shrooms will have either a good trip or a bad trip. 

I had previously taken molly (MDMA) earlier that day with a group of friends, and we (stupidly) thought it would be fun to also have shrooms. There was a beach park in my city that was popular with us kids on weekends to go to, and a lot of bonfires took place there. On that night a group of us were walking down there. Three of the six people in the group were on shrooms, and I was one of them. 

To get down to the beach we had to walk through a forest trail. I naturally love(d) forests because I absolutely adore exploring and nature, and I live in a country where forests are everywhere. To my surprise I suddenly started to have a bad trip and honestly it's hard to describe what I saw. To summarize it, it was the most terrifying thing in my life I have ever experienced. I've never been so scared of my friends before and my surroundings.

After that I stayed away from that drug. And you'd think I'd be done, but you're wrong.

Let me interrupt this story quickly as I need to shower before I am too lazy to get out of bed.

23:59

If I could show you guys how much hair I lost in the shower just now, y'all would scream.

I also realized I took a shower for over 30 minutes. I swear it felt like 5 minutes.

To get back to the story, I moved to another province during the spring of grade 10. I went back to visit family and friends during the summer of grade 10. My friend group that was formed during high school had this 'tradition' where one summer of every year we would all travel to this place called Granville Island. Here the majority of us would pop a molly and the others would blaze (smoke marijuana). That summer of grade 10 was officially the first time that we planned it during the summer instead of during the school year. It was my fourth time taking MDMA and I was excited as I loved the rush I got from the drug. Except this time it was different. I've never heard of bad trips on molly, as it isn't a depressive drug (until you come down from the 'high'), but I had a bad trip. It felt exactly like my bad trip on shrooms. I was completely paranoid and I had to pretend everything was okay to not scare my friends. 

Good news; that was my last MDMA/shrooms trip.

Bad news; it wasn't my last trip.

The first time I experienced that feeling again was at the beginning of grade 12. I had spent grade 11 blazing a lot because it calmed my anxiousness. There was a time when I took Jones to my secret hideout in the forest by the house and we decided to blaze here. I took one hit, that's it, and instantly tripped out. Everything around me scared me just like before and I had to close my eyes to not be scared of Jones. He had to lead me out of there and safely to his car. 

After that I had finally learned my lesson of no drugs at all, and I thought the trips would go away, but they only got worse. I started having bad trips sober and that scared me more.

Imagine yourself, enjoying your day enjoying nature just embracing the sun when suddenly everything slows down and sounds increase and you can physically feel your heart picking up speed so fast you think it would burst. Your body becomes numb for no reason and then everything shoots at your face all at once. It terrifies me.

I have this trip about three times a month, sometimes more but never higher than 15 times a month. 

What really got me into writing about this is I was looking at myself in the mirror about an hour ago. I stared at my eyes for only 5 seconds and I instantly felt the bad trip coming on. So I looked away. I haven't been able to look straight into my own eyes for over a year now. 

When I was in the shower about 15 minutes ago I had the feeling of the beginning of the trip again. I tried to feel my arms but they were just numb to me.

I looked up this on google and I found two words. Depersonalization and derealization disorder. I'd hate to associate myself to another google search. 

I've been thinking of seeing a therapist to help me figure out why I'm feeling this way, but I've never been one to seek other people's help. I'm honestly scared for myself.