Chapter 4

“I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.” - Anne Frank

 

Chapter 4

 

I had forgotten how much joy having a friend brings into everyday life. After two weeks it seemed as if Eshod and I had lived together forever, but the secret was still in between us. I wanted to tell him and get it over with, but first I had to have a better understanding of his thoughts concerning the matter. I was also afraid because I liked the way our relationship was and didn’t want it to change. Would things be different if he found out I was female?

The issue was on my mind nonstop and I had to deal with it. We were picking vegetables in the garden when I decided to approach the subject.  

“Sometimes people aren’t what they appear to be” I said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Sometimes you believe something about a person that isn’t true” I said. “The truth might change the way you feel.” Eshod looked confused. The conversation was becoming awkward, but I wasn’t going to back down.

“What if you found a dog and thought the dog was a boy, but it was really a girl” I asked. “Would you feel differently about the dog?”

“I don’t think so” he said baffled.

I looked at the ground trying to think of more probing questions. While I was pondering I wrote girl in the dirt with my finger. Eshod couldn’t see from where he sat. I hated being evasive and wasn’t good at it. I took my gardening gloves off and lifted my hand to take me wig off, then hesitated. There was no going back once I told Eshod. He would have my fate in his hands.

I shook my head. I was making too big of a deal about this. At some point I had to trust somebody or I would live a very lonely, isolated life. I bit my lip still uncertain of what to do. 

“What if we came across a person who was female?” I asked. “What would your first reaction be?”

Eshod tilted his head and looked as if he were imagining the scenario. “I would be happy” he said.

I studied his facial reactions to see if they matched his words. Eshod was a child every bit as vulnerable as I was. How demented could he possibly be? But paranoia was a way of life and I could never stop being vigilant about my safety.

“What if we could sell that woman for ten million dollars?” I asked and held my breath. Money had a way of cutting through emotional ties.  

“If I liked the woman, I would want her to be with me not somewhere else” he said. 

 

I sat up and stopped picking vegetables satisfied with his answers. He would find out sooner or later so I needed to get it over with. I took a deep breath, then closed my eyes for a moment. I was fidgeting with the plants, but forced myself to stop so I could focus. Then I slowly took the wig off and my braid tumbled down my back. Eshod gave me a surprised look, but didn’t say anything.

Next I look my facial hair off and put it in my pocket. Eshod’s look was indiscernible, which made me nervous but I had to continue. He seemed too shocked to put the pieces together immediately. Eshod studied my face with wide eyes. 

“Hi” I said using my regular voice. “My name is Izelle.” Eshod gasped and put his hand over his mouth. He didn’t say anything at first and kept turning his head in different ways to look at my face. Then he scratched his head and smiled. I was more relieved then nervous once the secret was finally out.  

“I never would have guessed” he said. I was grateful the disguise as effective. Eshod must have known why I had to keep it a secret. I hoped he wouldn’t be angry over the deception.     

“Now you have to pinky promise that you will never tell anyone” I said making him lock pinkies. “If you do then you will die the worst possible death in the most horrible way.”

 “I swear I won’t tell anyone” he said looking solemn as he made the promise. I smiled grateful he had taken the news well.

Eshod and I continued picking vegetables, although he kept looking at me every few minutes as if I might change into something else. We took some tomatoes inside and began the process of preservation. Between Eshod’s food storage and mine we had enough for one year. Food had become the most important issue in our lives. We had to figure out a way to get it and make it last until Eshod was old enough to support us. 

“We can grow more food in our garden” I suggested.9

“That’s a good idea” Eshod said.  “We could eat less.” 

“Let’s eat as little as possible” I said.

We were silent for a few moments brainstorming ideas on how to extend our resources. 

“When are you going to grow up and start supporting us?” I asked jokingly. Eshod looked uncomfortable, almost sad. He was still a child and deserved to be taken care of. Both of us did. Being reminded of our situation was depressing. Eshod looked uneasy as he fidgeted with the button on his shirt.   

“I have something to tell you” he finally said. Eshod was going to reveal his age, which I guessed to be nine. Since I had been honest with him he must have felt the need to reciprocate. His age was obvious to anyone who could see, but I would pretend that I didn’t already know.   

“I’m a girl” he said. I wasn’t certain I heard him correctly.

 “What?!” I asked.

“I’m sorry but I’m a girl” he said in a slightly higher voice.

My eyes opened wider and I studied her features noticing she was young enough to look androgynous. I leaned against the counter and let the reality sink in. There was a stunned expression on my face from the shocked. This was quite a day of surprises and I shook my head marveling at the strange coincidence. 

There had been signs. Eshod was excessively scared of bugs and talked a lot. He only watched movies that contained Disney princesses and giggled in a girlish way. She had brought along an old, ragged, pink bear with her when she left her house to come live with me. I assumed it had belonged to a female he had been close to.           

“How old are you?” I asked. “We might as well be completely honest with each other.”

“Ten” she said.

“What is your real name?” I asked.

“Ellie” she said. Ellie’s face looked tragic, she seemed to believe I was disappointed. It wasn’t true.   

“It’s a miracle we found each other” I smiled then hugging her. “I’m glad you’re a girl. I missed having female companionship.” She looked relived, then became serious.

“Now you have to pinky promise that you will never tell anyone” Ellie said making me lock pinkies. “If you do then you will die the worst possible death in the most horrible way.”

“I promise” I said trying to keep a smile hidden.

The new information left us with a new problem. There was no man to take care of us and there never would be. What were we going to do? I couldn’t worry too much about the future, there were enough problems to occupy my mind every day.

We went back outside to pick more vegetables in the garden. I was grateful that there were no more secrets between us. No more pretending. Our backyard fence was a few inches shorter than the top of my head. I looked over and saw a man walking down the street. I ducked taking Ellie down with me.

“There’s a man in the street” I whispered even though he was too far away to hear.

Ellie eyes widened as she crouched next to the fence. “What are we going to do?” she asked with wild eyes.

“I don’t know” I said trying to stay calm. “Maybe he’ll just pass by.” We lived on a cul-de-sac with no other houses in the vicinity. Months could go by before anyone walked down our street. Even then it was usually locals coming to see father or hunters looking for a kill.  

We crawled over to a hole in the fence to see what the man would do. He looked to be in his late forties, thin, tall, beard and weathered skin. He carried a backpack with a great deal of supplies. A pot hung at the end of the pack and knocked against a water bottle as the man walked. The man was probably a drifter. He slowed down as he approached our home. The man studied it for a minute then walked towards the front door.

“Crap” I whispered. “You have to get rid of him.”

“What?!” she asked. “Why me?”

“I don’t have time to put my disguise on” I said. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”

I wasn’t going to allow this man to come into our home. We went inside and I grabbed a handgun out of a drawer, then hid behind the door. I didn’t want to kill the man, but that was dependent upon him. I pushed Ellie in front of the entrance. 

“What am I going to say?” she asked in a panicked whisper with outstretched hands.

The man knocked. Ellie stood frozen in place with wide eyes for a few seconds, then opened the door. I looked through the crack and watched.

“Hello” the man said studying her closely. “Is your father home?”

There was a smile on his face. The man seemed to be assessing Ellie’s size and finding her to be an easy target. He wanted to loot our house. There was no other reason for him to come to our door. If he believed Ellie was alone, she wouldn’t be enough to stop him.  

“He’s upstairs fixing a window with my older brother” she said.

Ellie did an exceptional impression of a little boy. I was convinced. She managed to look calm, almost bored and kept the fear out of her voice. She was a great actress and worked well under pressure. Ellie learned early that her life depended upon her ability to be a boy.   

“Have him come down here” the man said suspiciously. He looked past Ellie into the house. The man seemed to be assessing what we had.

I mentally switched into killing mode. I put my finger on the trigger and pulled the gun close to my face. If the man forced himself into our home he would die. Where should I shoot him? The head seemed like the most effective place, but it would be more traumatizing. I didn’t want to look at a partially blown off head. I didn’t want to kill him at all, but I needed to be strong. I silently willed the man to go away.       

“What for?” Ellie asked.

The man smiled and lifted his leg over the threshold as if to come inside. I picked up a large boot on the floor and threw it towards the stairs. The man couldn’t see what was thrown, but heard the noise. I saw him put his leg back to his side. The risk wasn’t worth the effort.  

“I just wanted to let him know there’s a rabid dog in the area” he said. “I passed the animal about a mile back. It was acting mighty strange. Somethin’ to watch out for.”

That was a convenient excuse. There was no rabid dog. If he had seen a rabid dog he would have shot it instead of spending the rest of the afternoon warning the neighbors. The man came very close to dying. I came very close to killing.

“I’ll tell him” Ellie said. She shut the door before the man could think of a reason to continue the conversation. I closed my eyes for a second and let the tension drain from my body. I was relieved the situation hadn’t gotten ugly.  

“Good job” I whispered and put the gun to my side.  Ellie smiled weakly, then both of us looked out the window to make certain the man disappeared.

“You handled that well” I said when he was out of site. “You’re a gifted liar.”

When night fell we climbed onto the roof to look at the stars. I often lay under the stars after an especially stressful day. There was something magical about stars. Sometimes they whispered words of comfort. The night was clear and warm as we laid on a blanket next to each other. I brought a book of constellations along with a flashlight to map out the sky.

“There’s the constellation Andromeda” I said pointing it out, then read from the book. “In mythology Andromeda was a princess who was chained naked to a rock. She was a sacrifice to appease the gods for an offense made by her mother. A sea monster was supposed to kill her.”

“What did her mother do?” Ellie asked. I read down to that part.

“She boasted that Andromeda was more attractive than the Nereids” I said.

“What are the Nereids?” Ellie asked. I kept reading.

“They’re sea nymphs” I said “daughters of the sea god Nereus.” That didn’t really clear up the confusion for either of us, but it was the only explanation we were going to get.

“Being chained naked to a rock so a sea monster kills you seems like a harsh punishment just because someone claims you’re more beautiful than someone else” Ellie said.

“The gods must be sensitive about their daughter’s looks” I said. The idea that looks could be so highly prized was foreign and silly to me. My life was too utilitarian for that sort of dramatic excess. 

“What happened to Andromeda?” Ellie asked. I kept reading finding the story interesting despite the differences.

“She was rescued by Perseus. According to the myth Andromeda is passive and weak, but the word Andromeda means ruler of men. And she was important enough to be immortalized in the stars.”

“Maybe there’s more to the story” Ellie said. That seemed an astute observation, but the information in the book was limited so we wouldn’t find out that night.

“There isn’t more in this book” I said shutting off the flashlight and putting the book down so I could admire the view. For thousands of years people have looked to the night sky to explain the meaning of life.

“I’ve spent many nights out here trying to make sense of everything” I said. Wanting to know why such a terrible thing happened to the world had become an obsession. If I had to live in that world every day I wanted to know why. Why did we have to suffer so terribly? 

“Did you get any answers?” she asked.

“No” I said. “But some nights I hear soothing words. I imagine my family is looking down from wherever they are and lifting my spirits when I’m sad.”

“That’s a nice thought” Ellie said. “There’s something mesmerizing about star gazing.”

“Star gazing is more than mesmerizing” I said. “What if there’s something out there? Something greater than all the trouble in the world.” The idea has captivated mankind from the start and exploded into a million different interpretations. Billions of people believed in something beyond the known world. Were all of those people wrong?

“Do you believe in supernatural experiences?” I asked.

“Super what?” Ellie asked.

“Has anything ever happened to you that you can’t explain?” I asked. “Something that defies logic and understanding.”

“I don’t think so” she said looking puzzled.

From an early age strange things happening to me, things I couldn’t explain. I often sensed when something bad was going to occur before it took place. I had dreams that reveled hidden information. On occasion I saw auras. The experiences didn’t happen often, but they were always significant. I never told anyone.

I waited for Ellie to ask if I had any such experiences, but she seemed too captivated by the stars to make conversation.   

“I’m ready for bed” I said covering my mouth with a yawn. Both of us climbed down the roof and went into the concealed crawl space. Before going to bed I read a few chapters in a book out loud. The novel was getting to an exciting part. I could feel Ellie becoming tense. I read with exaggerated drama.

“….Tom hid behind a tree sweating from the exertion, heat and fear. The night hid his body, but made him vulnerable to the zombies he couldn’t see. Every noise made him anxious as he waited. A sound, the breaking of a tree branch made Tom realize something was close. He held his breath hoping, praying that whatever it was would pass. Please, please Tom begged gripping the ax in his hand then…”

I put the book down, turned the light off and went to bed.

“You suck” Ellie said.

I smiled and fell asleep listening to her rhythmic breathing. 

In the middle of the night I heard the sound of glass breaking.

“What was that?” Ellie asked alarmed.

Both of us knew what it was. I couldn’t let intruders steal anything, we needed our possessions to survive. I had a gun next to the bed and picked it up. I knew this day would come sooner or later and had been mentally preparing myself for years. If I wanted to live, then I had to kill.

We had a lot of valuable things. The man would probably take some stuff now and come back for the rest later. He would have to bring some of his friends to carry the heavier stuff like the refrigerator or television. Both of those items were very valuable in rural areas. I needed to stop him before he told anyone what he had found.    

“What are you doing?” Ellie whispered horrified.

Ellie’s strategy of dealing with intruders was to hide. Mine was different. I couldn’t allow myself to think or feel too much. There would be no questions or consideration. I was going to kill the man.

“No matter what happens stay in here” I said.

“No” Ellie said holding my arm. “Don’t go.” I couldn’t allow her fear to make me weak.

“I have to protect our home” I said.  She let go of my arm and I moved towards the opening of the crawl space. Everything was dark in our home, but the moon cast enough shadows to see part of the floor.

I had the upper hand. I knew about the man before he knew about me, but I was still scared. Something could go wrong. Without the gun I was nearly defenseless against a man.

I slowly stepped down the stairs occasionally hearing the crash of something being thrown on the ground. Finding the intruder was easy. Even if he hadn’t been making a great deal of noise the flashlight would have given him away. The man probably searched our home and since he didn’t find anyone, there was no need to be inconspicuous. 

As I moved towards the kitchen my heart raced painfully. My hands started to shake and I wasn’t certain I could aim well enough to make the kill. I hid behind a wall and took a deep breath, then put the gun behind my back and moved into the kitchen. The man looked up and shined the flashlight in my direction.

“Isn’t this a pleasant surprise” he said moving the flashlight over my form. It was the man who had come to our house earlier in the day. “This situation just keeps getting better. I thought the only useful thing here was supplies.”

A moment of terror shot through my body making it numb. I knew what I had to do, but for a moment I hesitated. Would I be a different person after I killed a man? My father’s words rang in my ears, don’t think, don’t feel, just shoot. 

The man walked in my direction. When he came close I swung the gun around, aimed and shot him in the chest. He fell to the ground groaning and cursing. The noise made me frantic. I hadn’t killed him. The man might get up and come after me. I aimed the gun at his head and pulled the trigger.

The sound of the gun echoed in my ears making them buzz. The man stopped moving as blood pooled onto the kitchen floor. I studied the intruder using his flashlight. He was of average height and weight, dirty in every sense of the word. The man was white with black hair and long mangled fingernails. His cloudy blue eyes were open.   

I didn’t think of men who entered my home as people. They were more like pests that needed to be exterminated. The man was probably a passerby looking to loot houses. I covered him with a blanket and went back to the crawl space.

“It’s me” I said so Ellie wouldn’t be frightened.

I turned the lamplight on to further confirm I was okay and saw Ellie had been crying.

“I heard gunshots” she said with a shaky voice.

“I killed the man” I said numbly.

If Ellie saw the body she would have nightmares.

“I’m going to dispose of the body tomorrow” I said. “I don’t want you to go downstairs until I’m done.” 

I turned the light off hoping to get some sleep, but the smell of blood lingered long after I left the kitchen.

The next day I went downstairs to fix breakfast. Every time I retrieved something from the fridge I had to step over the body. I tried not to touch it.

After breakfast I dragged the man outside by the left leg. I didn’t want to touch his hands. The act seemed too familiar. When I reached the stairs I pushed him down. The man tumbled like an inanimate object making thumping noises as he hit the pavement. The body landed face down on the sidewalk leaving a trail of blood.

I sat on the steps for a few minutes considering where his final resting place should be. There were empty lots around our house. I could dig a grave. I looked in the garage to see if there was anything useful that could help move the body. I found a wheelbarrow and tried to maneuver the man into it, but he was too heavy.

I might have to dig a grave in the front yard, but hated the idea. A fresh grave would draw too much attention. Plus I didn’t want the reminder of him every time I looked out of my window. I had to do something soon or he would start to stink.

The sun was high, the temperature hot and I was tired from the exertion of moving him outside. I needed a break. I went inside and turned on a movie. An hour later the movie had a fire scene and an idea formed in my head. I went back outside.

The man needed to be dragged to the middle of the yard. Moving him thirty feet took an hour. I kept stopping to rest. When the body lay far enough away from the house I put wood, coal and paper objects around it. Then poured gasoline over everything and waited until dark.

There was a pool of blood in the kitchen and I used a towel to clean it up. The towel was quickly soaked and instead of wiping the stuff up, it spread the blood all over the floor creating a bigger mess. I had to use many towels and go back and forth to the river countless times to rinse them out. The blood never came out of the towels.

When night came I set the body on fire. The man burned slowly and smelled horrible. I used an old shirt to cover my nose. I kept adding fuel and eventually built a mighty flame. The fire burned for hours, then smoldered into embers dying out in the early hours of morning. When the body was consumed I went to bed. Ellie woke up when I entered the crawl space.   

“Did you get rid of it?” she asked in a groggy voice.

“He’s not in the house anymore” I said. “I have a plan that might work to get him off our property.”

“Okay” Ellie said confident in my ability to handle the situation.

The next day I woke up late, ate breakfast, finished a few chapters in a book then walked outside to assess the condition of the corpse. The man looked black and flaky, but was still vaguely in the form of a human. The body was lighter in a charred condition and broke apart with a shovel.

Putting the debris into the wheelbarrow was easy, then I rolled it across the street and dumped him in the middle of the field. As I walked back to the house I noticed the large burnt area in the front yard and frowned. I couldn’t erase all evidence of his existence. Something inextricable remained.