Highschool

 

            I'm walking faster. I'm walking deeper into the hall, past the walls, the lockers. It's just another day of fake smiles and teenage hormones passing you by. Sitting in lifeless classrooms full of blank stares, hopeless children. Reaching adulthood. If we could just take our time a little bit slower, then maybe we wouldn't be so scared of our future. It's not much to care about these days, with all the violence on tv. When you were young, things mattered.

Nothing like the boy you see walking down the hall. The one you never thought could be real. Oh, highschool sweethearts never seem like they can fade. they could stay in your mind forever. That face. It's engraved into your brain. His face, it's going to be engraved into my brain forever. And maybe I hate it, but I can't forget that I did love him at one point. That I cared about him enough to love him. How could I? Well, maybe I'm stupid, and young lust tends to take over your brain and you body. It just doesn't know when to stop. I didn't know when to stop. I didn't know when to realize that he would just hurt me. But that's what I needed, a reality check. But did I deserve that much? Did I want that for myself. I wonder what I've come to.

It's not like I really knew though. It's not like I suspected it. The fights were long and stressful, and it's all I could think about, as we stopped talking for days, weeks, months. But then he's back 4 months later, saying, "hey, let's hangout. I miss you". 

How do I say no? Say no to him? He's too beautiful to turn down. He's too perfect, and when something that wonderful is knocking at your heart, you can't turn away and not let your walls come down.

So there we are, and friendship is lovely, really it is. But how can that be it?

How can I let us be friends when I know this sexual tension is getting to us both.

But for some reason things are off, and yet again, another fight? And it's days, that turn to weeks, that turn to months.

Until I recieve another email, he tells me things I've always wanted to hear. The things I've been wishing he would say. Telling me his dreams about me, and how much he wants me. And he knows that I love every second of it. He knows that I want him just as much, and more. He knows that I'm staring at the screen wanting him to come through and just tell it to my face.

So I see him. I talk to him. I..love him. I have for so long. We spend time, only to realize, that this was so badly what I'd been wanting. His arms around me as we lay there in silence, listening to just the heavy breathing. Only feeling what we give eachother. Feeding off of our touch. Fumbling with belt buckles, and giddy at the thought of it all. Young and stupid. Young and wanting to go deeper than we should. Sinking into eachother. Bodies colliding and we can't help but smile. We can't help but breathe a little bit heavier. We can't help but feel a little bit more. And I can't help but fall a little bit more.

That night, I saw the boy I'd always wanted to see. I knew it was there. That smile. Those eyes. you emerged from your shell finally, and I felt you beneath me. Over me. Chills ran up and down my spine. Your kisses are like shooting stars through my mind. Fireworks upon my body. I needed that. I just needed you so much.

When I walked out the door I almost knew my heart would be shattered across the tile floor we walked on, kissed on. I could almost feel it when the your door shut behind me and I saw you from your bedroom window staring out at out me. See you on Monday.

But you didn't speak to me, and for some odd reason I didn't even try. For some reason, it's like we don't matter. Like I don't matter. I could just blame it on the world for not letting me know sooner. Or myself for not trusting the ones who always said he wasn't worth my time. He wasn't worth the heartbreak. But I just don't understand. I'm still waiting for it to be like it was. For him to tell me he misses me, and for it to be new cycle. But it's not happening this round. It's not ending like I wanted it to. Why am I waiting? It's killing me, and I don't let it show.

I'm thinking there won't be another chance, not that I would give him one. It's over, I'm not stupid anymore. Highschool can't just be this? Can it? I can't let it be. Just a stupid love song playing over and over on the radio. We all listen to it but we all hate it. I just need you, to burn away. I don't need this. I don't want this. I never did. But I'm so reckless when it comes to you. I'd do anything to see you. To be with you. I just needed something, and that something was you.

I couldn't get up off my knees for one moment to stop pleading. I was stuck on this thing, this hope, this fake thing you held above me, and I wanted it so badly so be something more.

I did it to myself, and I don't get sympathy.

Just because, I brushed it off on the outside, while I wilted on the inside.

I hope that you are so worn out one day. I hope that you remember me, because I won't forget you. As I grow old, and we become wiser, as wrinkles burrow into our skin. As we get married to someone we find out there, have children, and slowly disintigrate. It's not anything more than seasons changing. The leaves falling. Time going forward, never stopping and waiting if we need to stop, take a breath, and catch up.

Maybe one day I'll be walking down the street, and see your face in the crowd of people. Maybe we can stop and talk, like mature adults would.

Maybe you'll look awful, and I'll look great, and you'll wish that you had talked to me on Monday.

Reviews

[PhoeniX]

what a nice write. i for one, dont miss those days. i will admit that i was a girl that fell for a guy like that. he was my world. but soon enough i realized, he wasn't.

the feelings feel so real in this story. good job

[Dave Lounsbury]

Nice work, I certainly don't miss all the stress and emotions that came with that part of life.
I liked the pacing of this piece, it moved along at a very quick pace and kept me interested throughout.