Dear Diary

May 19, 2019
Daniel texted me.
He made it back home from Levelland. He asked if I’d like to go to dinner with him at 7:00, and I said yes. I rode horses till 6:30, showered my body real quick, put on a turquoise top and shorts with some cute shoes, and got to Mi Familia by 7:10. I had my saddle in the bed of my truck and Daniel walked over to hug me hello. He smiled at my saddle, as he glanced that direction. This whole time, having NO clue, if he’s decided to stay, or move to Levelland. We got a seat, and I treated us to margaritas. Daniel got hard shelled fajita tacos, and I got chicken enchiladas with white sauce. We had small talk- but quickly... enough beating around the bush... Daniel said the words... “So, I’m taking the job”...
I mentally prepared myself for that moment, but didn’t know how I’d actually handle it....
I think I looked at Daniel and smiled (heart sinking) as he looked into my eyes and smiled (searching my expression) too. There was more small talk to avoid the subject, but we ended back at it still..... the new job, and Daniel deciding to move, while being ‘torn’ between the possibilities of a relationship with he and I. We talked more. 8:12 came quickly, and Mi Familia closed at 8:00, so we decided to be done drinking our margs and pay.
In the parking lot Daniel said, “So, your place?” and (confused) I questioned “what?.....” he replied, “Didn’t you say something about after dinner, we were going to your place?” And I said “nooo..... because first off: my house is a mess. Second off: my house is a literal disaster. And third off: my house is a mess.” Daniel laughed and said, “Well then, how about my place? My house is a mess too- but give me two minutes to clean it up a bit and we’ll be good.” So we agreed. I sat in my truck, giving him time to clean, while allowing the liquor to mellow inside me. As I sat there, it hit me.... I had become the girl I never thought I’d be. The girl who had dated a guy and became friends with him after breaking up.... I had become ‘the girl’ who sat in her car -torn- because now she was about to be alone in a room with her old lover, and current “friend”, and temptation would probably linger..... but did this girl turn away?.... no... she’d go to the guys house regardless....

When I got to Daniel’s, he hugged me hello, opened the front door, and we entered his room. “I even dusted the tv for us,” he said proudly, “it was bad.” I laughed and said, “Well my entire house has an inch of dust in it, so I won’t judge.”
We immediately kicked off our shoes, and sat beside each other on his bed. We decided on the movie ‘Little Nicky’ because some of the guys at work told me to watch it. Daniel and I like comedies anyway. We put a pillow between our heads and the wall, and leaned back to lounged beside each other for the movie. Daniel immediately reached out his hand for mine- and without question- I gave in. Our hands fit perfectly together. The warmth that two hands could create- allowing heartbeats to resonate, yet, not a hint of perspiration. Just pure- warmth and love in unison. We watched the entire movie holding hands, sitting side by side. And when the credits were rolling we had small talk... but then Daniel reached his arms toward me to swallow me up with his masculine body- and I caved again. I let him hold me, as I soaked in his scent and comfort. We sat there and talked about his future. At one point Daniel stoped talking and looked me in the eyes and leaned in to kiss me, but I didn’t budge. So he leaned in more and now our noses were touching. I had to catch my breath- it has been 3 months since we’ve kissed.... but I leaned in... and we kissed so softly and beautifully. Daniel was so sweet with me. He respected my body- didn’t cross a single line. He kept holding my chin in his hand as he kissed me tenderly. Finally he grabbed me, and pulled me in toward him and he embraced me so deeply I could hardly breath....
Daniel softly questioned, “what if we’re supposed to get married...” but I couldn’t hear him clearly. We were hugging so tight, everything was muffled, and I asked him, “what?...” and he said it again, “What if we’re supposed to get married.....” our lips, now, pressed to each other and cheeks slightly brushing- I replied, “I don’t know, Daniel.... what if we are?......”

We exchanged a few more “what if’s?....” and “do you think God did this... so that?....” and “God has purpose in everything- so if we’re meant to be together, we will....”

And then there was more talk of the job- and the distance between Here and Levelland....
Daniel even told me that his sister, Sarah, knew everything about our story. From us meeting, to us dating, to the breakup, to us staying friends, to Daniel wondering if we’re meant to be together....
I had NO clue he shared our story with anyone. It made me feel special to know I meant enough to Daniel, to be sharing such an intricate-intimate story with a family member he looks up to and confides in often.

After more tender kisses, and moments where life truly stood still -along with my heart- we finally decided it was probably time for me to head home; or else I’d probably never want to leave....
We kissed some more. Slowly, we got up, put our shoes on, and collected ourselves...
We walked outside, and held each other’s waists as Daniel walked me to my car.....
At this point.... life felt like a blur.... I saw us walking to my truck- I felt us holding each other- but it almost seemed like my soul was two steps behind us as my mind and eyes were surrounded by fog...
We got to my truck and Daniel turned to me and pulled my waist in to his embrace again........ we held each other just as tight as before and listened to our hearts keep along to the chirping of the night. We looked into each other’s eyes and kissed some more. I laughed... knowing Daniel still had his two weeks notice to give his current job, before he moves, yet here we are- acting like it’s our last night together.... like we will never see or talk to each other again.....

We shared one more kiss and said our “goodnight’s” And exchanged “I Love Yous” and released each other from our grips. I asked Daniel, “do you think it would help you if I didn’t text or talk to you for a few days? To give you clarity with everything?....
and he instinctively answered, “No. I don’t think that would help.....” as we exchanged a wave ‘goodbye’ one more time, and both walked away.........

My heart is still racing- but secretly I ask myself, “will we? Ever? See or talk to each other again?....”
What if..... “we’re supposed to be married...”
Why go through so much growth, and heart break, and love, with someone..... only for them to move away?.....

Reviews

[Mr. D]

The plan God has for you is usually completely different from the one you have for yourself. This bugs me more than you can possibly imagine, knowing that my life is always subject to someone else's whims, and never my own. That whatever I do is not my own decision, but was determined before I ever was born.

It's best not to get attached to anyone in life. Difficult to do, but it is possible. I've done it. You can do it too. But God probably wouldn't want you to do something like that. But you can't trust people. And opening up to them sets you up for so many potential no-win scenarios that I've found it's usually just better to stay alone. God intended for some people to remain single. They call it a gift, and in numerous ways, it is. You don't have to meet anyone's impossible standards, and you can't meet God's impossible standards. Almost makes you wonder why He even bothered creating us in the first place, doesn't it?

Anyway, I've also found that planning your life out is akin to spitting into a wind that's blowing against you. It comes back and hits you in the face full force. But good luck to you.

Oh, and the answer to your final question of will you see or talk to each other again? Probably not, and you shouldn't bank on such a thing happening. Relationships are pointless. You'll find that out soon enough.