Chapter 6 McMurdo Station, Antarctica

One of my favorite travel places was Antarctica. This chapter fictionalizes my time there but still captures how even though I was somewhere new my struggles had followed me.

Chapter 6
McMurdo Station, Antarctica
September 2004

The wind kicked up. She squinted, unable to see anything due to the ice chunks on her lashes. She was hiking alone on her day off, trying to see the view of everything from outside town. She’d come to the top of the hill to see more of the land she now called home.

The ice stuck her lashes together and she forced them apart, feeling a few pull out. The wind burned her eyes and she quickly put her goggles back on. She looked around at the expanse of open white land. In the distance, a machine grooming the ice runway shot snow in the air. She never used to consider large machinery beautiful. But as this one disrupted the snow, grooming the land, juxtaposed to all around it, there was something beautiful about it. Something human.

It was hard to believe a connection was being created to the life she left behind. In a few weeks a plane would touch down on the new ice runway, the official start of the summer season. Until then, no flights were possible. The rising sun was causing intense wind storms and extreme temperature fluctuations. By the time summer started, the sun would be up twenty-four hours a day. The conditions would mellow and flights would happen daily as people and supplies came in.

She tried to picture how someone would see her from a distance. She would be a red sprinkle. A shred of eraser left on a massive white sheet. An insignificant red dot. If she was insignificant here, was she significant back home? She asked herself what her contribution to the world was. What was the point of her life?

So far Antarctica hadn’t taught her anything about her own life, but it did make her realize something about life in general. No matter what, it would go on. And if it wanted to, it'd go on without humans. It already did in its own way. Hundreds of miles below Antarctica’s ice an ecosystem thrived. If humans screwed themselves and were wiped out, so what, they weren’t needed here. They were merely eraser shavings trying not to blow away in the wind.

On this continent, this inhospitable corner to humans, the hierarchy was inverted to what Jordan was used to. Humans submitted here. They would never dominate this land, they would never civilize it, and no matter which explorer had really been here first, it did not belong to a single person. It belonged to those bizarre species that had hunted here for millennia, some directly linked to prehistoric creatures.

She turned around to face the research base she’d come from. From the hill she could see McMurdo in full.

McMurdo Station was littered with brown industrial buildings, cargo boxes and power lines. It conveyed spending a winter in Detroit rather than a summer in Antarctica. Unlike the machine shooting snow fifty feet into the air, it didn't seem humanly beautiful to her either. Only seemed like a smudge on the terrain. And yet she was a smaller smudge, standing alone on a hill, looking down on her new home. Her giant white boots kicked up the ultra dry snow as she descended.

The closer she came to McMurdo, the bigger she began to feel. Back in town she passed the first set of dorm buildings. Along with a new setting, new people had filled in around her. It helped her push away everyone and everything she left behind. But buried beneath the newness, the old stuff simmered. It was like hot stones roasting an underground pig. Her memories of Hope Falls burned up, looping on Gautam and Aviva being together, doing stuff, kissing and groping, fondling, maybe f*****g. God knows what they were up to now that Jordan was gone. She pushed the memories back down.

From her hike she went straight to Gallagher's bar. She hung her massive red coat in a line of identical parkas. They symbolized others were there like her. This continent, with barely any people, made her aware of how important people were. The world seemed a lot more ironic to her since arriving. She ordered a beer and sat down with Noah. This was their first time being together outside of work.

"I can’t believe you’ve been to Hope Falls," said Jordan. She was enjoying hanging out with Noah. He laughed at her jokes and looked at her in a way that was very open. It was as if he saw nothing and everything about her at once, like he hadn’t made a snap judgment, only took in what was there, never demanding she show him more or less of herself. She wasn’t capable of being so open. She’d made an immediate judgment about him and decided she liked him. A lot. He was kind of chubby, which made her like him more, but in a friend way.

"You live in Washington long enough and you see everything. Even the little honky-tonk towns,” he said. He pulled at the label on his beer. “I’m not actually from Washington though. I was born in Colorado. When my folks split up Dad went back to Spokane. I moved with him so I could care for him."

Noah leaned back. She felt a rush as his knee touched hers under the table. Maybe they could be more than friends. S**t. She was already forgetting her resolve. Boys bad, self-reflection good. She had to remember this.

"Do you mind if I ask what kind of care your dad needs?" asked Jordan.

"It’s pretty general. He’s blind."

Jordan didn’t know anyone that was blind. For that reason she felt she wasn’t allowed to say anything. She fingered her necklace pendant. The clasp touched it, having slid down from the back of her neck. She pulled the chain and put it back in place, her eyes darting from his eyes to the table as his leg pressed against hers harder.

Boys bad. Bad bad bad bad bad.

"This is the first time I’ve really been away from my Dad since the move,” he said. “It was time I did something on my own, but it's still weird to not be there."

He shifted in his seat and his leg stopped touching hers. The excitement of feeling attracted to him was replaced by the empty void of wanting to know why he moved. She couldn’t tell if he liked her or not and it was making her feel ugly. And also selfish. What a selfish, ugly girl she was. He was trying to tell her something about his father being blind, he wanted to share this with her, and all she could think about was herself.

“Who’s with your dad while you’re gone?” she asked.

“My sister.”

He pulled further back on the label on his beer. It ripped up in strips, and he continued to pull them off and pile them up. He put down the beer and tore each strip. If Jordan didn’t know better she would say he was nervous. But she couldn’t say for sure, he was hard to read.

“She stayed in Denver after the split,” he said. “She hasn't seen much of Dad, being so far and all, so she was ready to come spend time with him."

"Was your dad ever self-sufficient?" Jordan grabbed a strip and began folding it in a triangle pattern.

"Yeah. Up until ten years ago he had his sight."

"Glaucoma?"

"Car accident. He was working on this guy's house. They both did home repair for a living, but it wasn't an actual job, just my dad helping him out. The dude's house was falling apart, and he was broke and wanted to pretty much rebuild it. This jackass - forget him, I get pissed off when I bring him up. He’s a drunk."

Jordan tried not to look embarrassed. She knew her father being a drunk had no impact on this story, but for some reason she felt a loathsome shame. She felt responsible, like she was part of the accident. Noah had torn up all his strips. He swallowed hard, and again she couldn’t read him. He was either nervous or getting upset thinking about his dad.

"What happened?" she asked.

"The dude was moving a load of supplies. He wasn't supposed to drive. Ever. He'd gotten three DUI's. My dad's too nice. He's always trying to help people like that. He gives them the benefit of the doubt, and look what happens."

"Was your dad in the truck?"

"No. He would never let that happen. He was standing off to the side taking a break. You know what pisses me off the most? The last thing Dad remembers seeing is that guy’s face. Not me, or my siblings, or my mom, but his last visual memory is that jackass."

"And this all happened in Colorado?"

Noah was avoiding her eyes now. It was impossible to tell what he was thinking and where his thoughts were focused. He ripped a large chunk off the beer label.

“Yeah.”

“And your mom is still in Colorado?”

“Yeah. I guess it’s for the best. Things were only getting worse.” Noah looked up at her. He was definitely not thinking about Jordan. She felt a stab in her stomach and knew this was one of those moments she needed to say the right thing. She never said the right thing.

“I fell off my dad’s motorcycle once.” That was a stupid thing to say. That was the best she could think of? Now she had to finish, she’d already started. “I never liked his bikes, but he was always trying to get me on them and get me to like them. When I was eight he did finally talk me onto one, but it went horrible. I panicked and screamed at him to let me off. He wouldn’t, and I was pounding his back and he took a corner fast, too fast I think, and I fell off.”

“Were you hurt?”

“My arm broke and I got a lovely scar on my knee from it. It really wasn’t bad, it scared me more than anything.”

Noah reached out and touched her arm. She couldn’t believe she ever thought boys were bad. Boys were great. Boys were wonderful, especially when they liked her, it was fun to be liked. He liked her. He had to, he was nervous and flirting. Wasn’t he? He was so hard to read.

“Where’d you break it?” he asked.

“It was this one,” she said, holding out the other arm. “Fractured the ulna.”

He let go of her arm but his eyes stayed on her hand. “It’s hard to see people you love get hurt. My brother took Dad’s accident especially hard. I don't think he could handle seeing Dad so incapable. He turned into a homebody. We used to be outdoors every day. The mountains were our playground. But he wouldn't do anything with me after that. And sometimes he would freak out and yell at dad. I hated him at that time. It’s terrible. I wish I’d been more understanding."

"Don’t feel bad, nobody knows how to handle that. You were both young."

“I know, but I was pretty mean. I told him it was his fault our parents split up.”

“He should be able to realize for himself that’s not true. I mean, he’s an adult now too, I’m sure he’s seeing things different also. So if your sister is with your dad, where’s your brother?”

“He’s there too. I don’t really want to talk about him anymore. It all seems so weird when I look back on it.”

"I think it’s being here that makes everything seem weird. This place is so strange. We’re all working and going to get beers after work and acting like we’re in a totally normal place. Isn’t it weird how we transplanted here and fell in line in this microscopic community? This place is a mind trip."

“And yet we all came for a reason.” He looked back into her eyes. Somehow he was getting more difficult to read. His eyes focused hard on hers and she looked behind him to the bar. He touched her arm and she felt her cheeks flush hot.

“You want another beer?” he asked.

“That’d be great.”

Noah and Jordan downed the last of their beers, glibly talking about work as they did so. They went to the coat closet and took out their parkas. They put them on, transforming into massive red blobs.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Go for it."

He opened the door and the warmth of the bar went in one gust of icy air. They stepped outside into lashing winds. Snow whizzed around them, the possibility of a white out closing them in. He put his arm inside hers, linking their bodies together. She wished she could feel his arm directly on hers. Instead she felt the weight of it through the massive sleeve. Two eraser shavings leaned into the wind, hustling to their dorm building. Noah walked her to her door.

"Your roommates in?" he asked.

Jordan nodded and put one hand on the door. He liked her, he wanted to come in. "Yours?"

"You know it."

She waited for him to ask her to go hang out in the lounge. He didn’t. He didn’t like her. Why not? What was wrong with her? Nothing. Right? He backed away slowly and said, "Okay". He disappeared around the corner. Jordan eased into bed and looked at the clock. Exhaustion swept over her as she thought about Gautam. She hated that his presence was felt so strongly, even on a separate continent. The distance wasn't helping at all. That's because it was time, time was supposed to make things go away. Then what was she doing there?

A dream tried to take her closer to the things cooking inside her. She was in her garage. It was dark outside. She put the skeleton key in the motorcycle and tried to force it to turn. Aviva and Gautam were there, but they were leaving. Jordan needed to go with them. She had to see what they were going to do.

Turn damn it. Turn!

The key slipped through her fingers and she fell backwards. She reached up and everything went dark.

Where am I?

Her hand touching the bunk bed above her told her the dream was over. Her three roommates still slept. She flipped on the little reading light clipped above her head. A picture of her and Giselle sat beside the light. Giselle had emailed six times already, sending Jordan something every day. Giselle wanted Jordan to know that if it sucked, she could come back anytime. Giselle always had a place for Jordan to crash.

 

5:45 AM. In a plain blue collared shirt and black cotton pants, she went downstairs. In the kitchen dish room her shift started at 6:00 AM. For ten hours she washed dishes, mopped floors and cleaned bathrooms.

Jordan marveled at her pathetic attempt at adventure. The life she’d left behind dazzled in excitement compared to this. This was so depressing, and she was feeling lonelier than ever.

 

After a few weeks of being on station she blacked out at a party. But she didn't have to work the next day. And she woke up in her own bed. No harm, no foul.

 

Another week, another blackout. She woke up beside a male she didn’t recognize. Oops. They were both naked. Bigger oops.

Okay, so she slept with someone. Nothing to feel bad about. It was time to move on anyways. She’d spent plenty of time exploring herself. And why should she be the one retreating into solitary contemplation anyway? She hadn’t done anything wrong, and yet she felt she needed to be punished. She felt what happened with Aviva and Gautam was her fault. She’d brought it on herself.

Enough of that thinking. She had five months left on this giant ice island and she was going to enjoy it. And the time was already going so fast. Sixty hours of work a week left room for little else. Time was precious, and it needed to be spent right. Maybe it would be spent with this guy. Whoever he was he was cute and he hadn’t hesitated to be with her. He had red hair. She looked at it, then down his body, and felt grossed out, more from her hangover than his bozo bush of pubic hair. She saw his name tag on his coat. He’d taken a black marker and written something over his actual name. Red. Okay. She’d call him that. She tried to see the name written under it but couldn’t.

 

At work Red came through the galley as Jordan washed dishes. It was awkward at first, she wondered how much he remembered. The conversation ended with him inviting her to come hang out that night. She went, looking forward to a night away from drinking. She knew she wasn’t supposed to be doing this, getting into bed naked with a man she barely knew, but whatever, she’d changed. She was on a new continent for Christ’s sake, that totally proved she was opening up and changing.

After they had sex he fell asleep. Jordan went into the lounge and stood by the window. 1 AM. The sun circled over head as it did all day, every day. It was summer after all.

Wind roared around, pushing snow drifts higher and fatter. It looked so white and bright out there. So very white and bright. It made her uncomfortable. It was bright. So bright. Sunny. Bright and sunny. Bright. Sunshine. White. Sunny. Bright.

I miss darkness.

Jordan closed all the wooden doors on the windows. The lounge darkened, but she could feel the sunshine out there. The longer she sat there the more her body convinced her it was daytime, this was a time to be awake and alert.

She cracked open a shutter and watched the wind push snow piles from one place to another. She’d heard the ice and snow that comprise Antarctica never stopped moving. Snow drifts can cause a person to disappear in minutes, or entire stations in years. The continent had devoured the original South Pole station in this manner. It was closed down, the majority of its structure below ground. A new station was built up on stilts. It too would eventually be swallowed up into the belly of the land.

She looked at her watch. It wasn't unusual for her to be up at 1 AM. back home. Except it was different here. She didn't feel like a night owl. There was no night to be an owl in. It was a bright sunny day out, at 1 AM.

Her roommates were all asleep when she returned to her bed. She realized she’d gone back to her own room without a thought. She should’ve gone back to Red’s room. If he didn’t think all she wanted was sex before, now he surely would. And that’s not what she wanted at all. She was f*****g this all up, what the f**k. She needed to talk to him, tell him how she felt. She could tell him what she wanted. She had a right to. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week. Talking was overrated. He liked her, he had slept with her again, so she should really just relax and enjoy his company. She’d see him again soon enough. It’s not like he could go anywhere.

 

 

She sat on the ratty blue couch of her dorm room with the phone. The receiver pressed between her shoulder and chin. There was an answer and she sat up.

"Hello?"

Gautam’s voice gave her a jolt of energy. Now that she was sleeping with Red she missed Gautam. She missed how much he comforted her. She missed his steady and positive nature. She wanted his friendship, she no longer needed his love. She had a new boyfriend. Sorta boyfriend. She had Red. But that wasn’t the point. Mistakes had been made and she wanted to move on and start getting her friends back. Gautam first. Then later, much later, she’d work on trusting Aviva again.

"Hi." She put her mug of coffee between her feet. "It’s Jordan. How are you?"

“Good. It's good to hear your voice. How are the penguins?”

“I’ve only seen the little ones. I’d like to see the big ones before I go.”

The conversation went smooth and Jordan smiled, pleased with herself. They chatted about her job and the people, the weather, and the history of the station. Jordan answered all of his questions with enthusiasm.

“What did Aviva say when you called?” asked Gautam.

Jordan tapped her index finger against her thumbnail. Her mouth turned down and her forehead wrinkled. He should know she wouldn’t want to talk about Aviva. That was made clear on her last night to see him. “Why would I call Aviva?”

Gautam’s silence gave Jordan time to pick up her coffee and take a long drink.

“She’s your home girl,” he said. His tone was flat and heavy. “You shouldn’t have called me before her.”

“You're sleeping together.” Jordan meant it as a question, but the way she said it put it out there as a fact. Another silence from him confirmed it was indeed fact.

“Did you at least wait until I left?” Jordan tapped faster. "Don’t answer that."

“I thought you knew. I thought you two had spoken and cleaned the air. Isn't that why you called? Why would you call me before her? You need to call her.”

"The expression is cleared the air."

“We’ve missed you.”

“We?”

“Me and Aviva.”

“Before I left you said you guys were through, it was over. Was that a lie?”

“No. But you’ve been gone two months.”

She opened her mouth, and then leaned forward and gently put the receiver back on its hook.

She lay down on the couch. The common area of the room was a five foot by six foot space. Small and cramped, it began to feel like a prison cell. It was built in the center of the massive 155 building, surrounded by other rooms, a windowless pit designed to maximize space, not comfort. She needed to get out.

She headed outside and walked around the outside of the massive kitchen. Being a staff member of the kitchen, she quickly learned the food situation on base was strange. Workers obtained no local nutrition. All food was shipped down on cargo vessels and planes. Everything was planned a year in advance, down to the ingredient, and then shipped at that time. Most of the food she served was expired.

But the food wasn’t the strangest part of McMurdo. It was the people, and how they interacted with each other. The cold and alien nature of the research base took its toll on the staff members. People became depressed, drunks, and in the worst cases of the past, homicidal. Those people had to be sent home and replaced by other staff members at a very high cost. And so, driven by money, attempts at keeping morale up phased in over the years. A coffee shop and two bars were open in the evenings. A two lane bowling alley that required manual pin setting was open upon request. Cross country skies could be checked out from the rec department. Jordan's favorite place was a greenhouse on the edge of the base. She headed there, seeking solace.

She opened the door to the warbling notes of a harmonica. The inside of the green house always made her feel like she was stepping into a space ship. Tin foil lined the walls. Growing lights blasted down on the vegetables and flowers. Behind a few rows of romaine she found the musician. Noah lounged in a hammock strung up between two poles. She rushed forward.

"I'm so happy you're here," she said.

Noah lowered the harmonica. He kept on his sunglasses. "I always forget we have the same day off. For two people who work together, we hardly see each other. We need to hang out more."

She liked that he said. "I can't begin to tell you how bizarre this looks."

"It's like having a day off on the moon."

Jordan sat in the hammock strung up behind Noah's. She kicked up her feet and lay back.

"Do you ever feel arrogant for being here?" asked Jordan.

"How could we feel arrogant?” Noah leaned his head to the side so he could see her around the pole. “We're the lowest ranked workers on station. I never got what it felt like to be excluded from a community before. Like today, out of a thousand people us two are the only ones to have the day off. Everyone else gets their Sunday funday to do everything we'll never get to do. So no, arrogance is not something I'm feeling."

"Okay, so kitchen staff isn't really included in much here. But if you look at it without our irritation towards our jobs, we're pretty arrogant for being here. We're on a land that is uninhabitable to people, and yet we go about like we belong here, like shipping down food and fuel and all that is our right."

He played a few bars on his harmonica. "Who's to say it won't seem right one day? If we never attempted to conquer new frontiers, then humanity would be cramped up in one tiny corner of Africa. Call it arrogance if you want, but if we weren't like this, you would not call North America home."

"Maybe some places are meant to be left alone for a reason. I don't like it here. It feels like we’re tempting something we shouldn’t."

"You're not thinking of leaving are you?"

"I don't know what it means that I came here, but I did and I can't undo it, so I might as well get my money’s worth."

"Good. I don't want you to leave. Have you been to the chapel yet?"

"No. I walk by it and it feels like a joke. It makes me wonder too much."

"About what?"

"God. And Earth. And this continent, and me, and life, and everything. This whole continent feels like, like it belongs to something else, something bigger, and yet we built a little chapel to celebrate a higher power. I think people should just walk outside and be in touch with whatever it is they're looking for. We put our idea of God on a land that in every way is a reflection of God."

"That's what spirituality is. It's the point where humanity and the Great Unknown meet. Places of worship aren't trying to recreate God. They're like dedications. Like a way of saying, I acknowledge You, whatever You are."

Jordan pushed on the metal box beside her, holding a row of cucumbers. She began to sway to and fro. "Are you religious?"

"No." Noah’s face swung in and out of her view. "Let's go check it out later. I need pictures. I have pictures of everything else."

"Do you believe in God?"

"In my own way." Noah got his hammock swinging also.

"What way is that?"

"I'd like to answer with interpretive harmonica."

Jordan smiled and put her hands behind her head. A few hours later they left to head to the station's chapel. They sat in a pew in the front. The stained glass windows filtered the endless sunlight.

"My brother had a few religious years," said Noah.

"Oh yeah? Just him?"

"Just him. My parents subscribe to the church of be a good person and pay your taxes. Cory's always searching. I think 'cause of the accident, he needed to know hows and whys. Sometimes I admired his desire to look for understanding and spirituality in something I wanted to shut out. But other times, I saw how lost it made him, and I wished he'd just enjoy life."

"My dad had some religious years too. He'd get all preachy, which was so annoying, because half the time he was drunk. He would repeat himself without knowing it."

"Is he an alcoholic?"

"He is. He'll never admit it’s a problem though because of what his mom did."

"What'd she do?"

"She died of a heroin overdose. So to him, he's not as bad as her. He thinks he's found a better way, but it’s the same. Well I guess it is different, 'cause he's lived a lot longer."

"Cory has a drug problem. He's in rehab right now. Hopefully he doesn’t come out in religious zealot mode again."

"I'd like to find God, in my own way. I have some questions I need answered."

"Don’t we all."

Noah looked at her, and she crossed her arms across her chest.

"Do you mind if we have some quiet time?" she asked.

Noah motioned like he locked his lips and threw away the key.

 

December 2004

Jordan looked at the back of Red’s head. She wished she could fall asleep. The wavy pattern of his red hair was barely visible with his window shutters closed. She had sex with him a lot, sometimes drunk, sometimes not. She always wanted him to tell her he loved her. He didn't. And the longer he went without expressing his approval and love of her, the more she wanted it. Needed it. Secretly prayed for it.

Red loved the way it felt to be inside her, nothing more. He wouldn’t say it, but she knew. She let it go. He would grow to love more than her vagina walls. The potential was there.

She always pitied girls who believed things like that. She would shake her head at her friends who wanted to change their boyfriends. These girls were so desperate and delusional. They wanted to feel special and needed. These boys needed them. They needed to be saved by these special girls who had the power to do what other girls couldn’t. Jordan was too smart for that. She knew better. She was insecure, sure, but she at least knew that if you were trying to change your boyfriend, you were avoiding something in yourself.

Jordan wasn’t becoming one of those girls. She didn't want Red to change. She only wanted him to say out loud what she saw. He loved her. Obviously.

He slept with his arm around her, he liked to cuddle with her, be near her. He told her about himself and he listened to her. He liked talking to her. Clearly she was more than a warm body on a cold continent. Jordan wasn’t one of those delusional girls. This was different. He loved her, she was special, and he would tell her this soon.

He woke up as she dressed. She leaned over to kiss him, but he turned away.

 

2 AM. The sun made its endless circle over the station.

Jordan looked away from the lamp and up at Red as he moved inside her. He looked at her chest. She was afraid he wouldn’t look at her face because of the red blotches. They made her look like she suffered from heat exhaustion twenty-four seven. Spreading from cheek to cheek and down her neck, she couldn’t figure out the cause. Something was wrong with her skin. The station doctor couldn't say what. Real medical tests would have to wait until she left the ice. So far, it looked embarrassing but caused no health risk.

Red thrust harder. He looked at her face, his expression blank, then back to her chest.

In and out, up and down, doo da doo. Was he done yet? She wanted to get to the part where he laid beside her, his hand cupping her chubby stomach, his breath soft on her neck as they fell asleep.

In and out, dum dee dum. Do da doo.

“Uh… oh… God.”

He climaxed. She hated when he did that and looked to the side.

Done. Laying next to her. Arm around her chubby belly. He was asleep. She was awake. The sun circled. McMurdo continued to occupy its tiny space on Antarctica, where she laid next to Red, disconnected from the rest of the world by the Southern Ocean. She turned to face him. She put her hand on his shoulder, wanting him to tell her he loved her. He turned away. It was okay. He was sleeping in her bed, he wanted to be there, with her. There was no reason to be angry. But she was. She didn't know why. She put on her headphones and let the music distract her mind until it went to sleep. She woke up an hour later. She was alone in her bed.

 

Jordan avoided looking at her face when she went to the bathroom. Her skin condition worsened. People stared. The crimson patches on her cheeks and forehead exploded. It no longer looked like heat exhaustion. Now it was like a severe sunburn. Nothing helped. Lots of people made suggestions to make it better. They knew someone who had gone through something similar. It was diet. It was allergies. It was sun. It was lack of sun. Don’t worry, it’s hardly noticeable. That killed her. If it wasn’t noticeable, why were they telling her how to fix it? Idiots.

She put on her big, ugly green gloves and returned to the pots and pans room. Jordan rinsed, Noah scrubbed, the machine sanitized.

"Hello?" said Noah.

Jordan turned to him. "Sorry?"

"I said my sister got engaged."

Jordan was absorbed with thoughts of her appearance. If she continued to look like this Red would never tell her he loved her. She had to find what was causing this, she didn't want to be alone again. Not until she left the ice. She could handle it after that.

“That's great news,” she said. “Good for her."

“They're going to wait until I get back to get married. Lucky me.” His voice didn't match his words.

“Not a wedding person?”

“Not these days.”

“Thank God. Me neither.”

She turned on the garbage disposal. She listened to the food bits grind down to nothing. She turned it back off. Noah was scrubbing hard. He slung a pan, knocking it into the others.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, sure. How’s it going with you and the ninja?”

“Red?"

“Is there another ninja on station?”

Jordan smiled. “He told you he’s into ninjitsu also?”

“I’m pretty sure he’s told everyone with a pulse.”

“Sometimes I wish he would...” Jordan turned on the garbage disposal again, even though it was nearly empty. She didn’t want to go into this conversation. She didn’t want to tell someone she wished Red would ask what she wanted to happen during sex. And she certainly wouldn’t tell someone she was afraid to tell Red what she wanted in case he stopped sleeping with her all together. “Do you want to go for a hike later? After work I was going to walk out to Hut Point and look for whales. Do you want to come?”

“I’d like that.”

 

Or the first part of their walk Noah kept his eyes down, walking ahead of Jordan at times until she yelled after him. Once they sat down he confessed what was bothering him. His sister persuaded their father to get a seeing eye dog, something Noah hadn’t been able to do in his ten years there. And now she was engaged, her personal life hardly affected by the change. Noah had barely dated in the last few years. But that hadn’t mattered, he’d liked helping his father. But everything was going fine without him. Better than fine. He felt he’d lost his sense of purpose.

Jordan took the chance to unload her own weight from back home. She told Noah about Aviva and Gautam and how betrayed she felt. And then she told him things that she never would’ve told Gautam, like about how embarrassed she was about having a skin condition and about getting fat while there. Those were the kinds of things Gautam didn’t get, and even though she’d loved how steady he was, sometimes she wanted him to freak out and be angry and sad so she could relate to him.

They were sitting together on a ridge. The endless summer sun broke up some of the sea ice. They stared at the large hole, waiting. A pair of whales appeared in the water.

“Oh oh oh look look look.” Jordan pointed. She turned to Noah to make sure he saw. He looked to her also, excitement all over his face. The day was one of the warmer ones, they hadn’t needed their parkas. There was no wind and with the sun unblocked, the glare off the snow was bright, mimicking a day at the beach.

She liked him so much. They got along so well, and not in a way that made her nervous or afraid. It was easy to be with him. She would leave Red in a heartbeat for Noah. If Noah felt something too this was the moment to show it. This was the moment to kiss her. It would not get any better than this. This was it. It was perfect.

"I'm glad we met," he said. "You're a good friend."

"Hmmm thanks. You too." He didn’t like her. How could he? Her skin was freaking out and she’d gained twenty pounds. She looked hideous. It was okay. She still had Red.

They walked back, Noah telling her how much he loved whales. He loved their power and speed. He loved their secret language. Jordan added in a word here and there.

She went to Red’s room that night. She told him about her hike, but not about the whales. He listened to her and then pulled her leg onto his body. After he climaxed he pulled out, lay down beside her. He fell asleep with his back to her. He would tell her he loved her soon, she could feel it. Everything was fine. It wasn't perfect. But good enough. She couldn’t figure out why she couldn’t sleep though.

 

February 2005

The bar lights were lowered, the music cranked up. Jordan leaned into the corner. Noah hovered near her, sipping frequently from his drink.

"I've heard some things," said Noah. “I hate to do this, but you have to know. The ninja’s gone, right?”

“He’s only at a field camp.” Jordan hit her head back into the corner and closed her eyes. “He’ll be back in a week.”

"He's sleeping with other girls. He’s cheating on you. You’re wasting your time with him."

"No he's not. He’s not like that."

"You’re in denial."

"That's rude."

She closed her eyes tighter. Before she knew what was what lips were on hers. Noah leaned in, kissing her, pushing her against the wall. He pulled back, and Jordan could see how drunk he was. She closed her eyes again. So many perfect moments had come and gone for this to happen. And now it happened like this, in a way that didn’t count. It less than counted, it was a negative.

“Do you want to go back to the dorm?” he asked.

She half opened her eyes. “Why?”

“It’s a little crowded in here.” He put his hand on her hip.

“Don’t be like that.”

“I wanted to tell you so many times, but I didn’t know how you’d react.”

“It’s none of your business.”

He leaned in and kissed her again. She could taste the alcohol on him and turned to the side.

“It’s not easy for me here,” he said.

“It’s not easy for anyone.”

"I'm gonna go."

"Who says he’s seeing other girls? Tell me who said that."

"Good night Jordan."

She chugged down her beer. Shortly after Noah left she did too. She went by his room but he wasn’t there. Nor was he in the lounge or the dining area. She went on a hike even though it was near 3 AM and she had to work the next day. Nothing like endless sunshine to keep her awake and thinking.

Red had told her he wasn't looking for a girlfriend. He had pushed her away at every possible moment. If Noah knew then everyone knew. Everyone knew she was a fool, pining away for someone that didn't love her, maybe didn’t even like her. She kicked the snow. It blew up in the air and toward the cross.

So Red wanted to get with other girls. Noah didn’t have to make it his business. It had nothing to do with him. And whatever it was he wanted, she didn’t know. Drunk, trying to make a move, asking her to go back to their dorm, he wanted to f**k her. He was just like the rest.

She came back to her room and found a note on her bed.

Jordan -

Please don’t be mad at me. I know I’m an idiot.

Noah

 

March 2005

"Last day," said Red. He looked down at Jordan. Sometimes she wanted to laugh when she looked at his red facial stub.

"Last day," said Jordan. "Thank God. I can't wait to get out of here."

"Me too. I will miss this place though."

"You will? Not me."

"It's just so beautiful."

"McMurdo?"

"No, not the station. Forget McMurdo. Antarctica. It's mind blowing."

"It's somethin' else." Jordan swung her weight back and forth, spinning in half circles. "Why did you ask me to come to your room last night?”

“Why not?"

"Were none of your other f**k buddies available?"

"I thought you were cooler than that. I guess not."

"Yeah, okay, it’s me that’s the lame one in this situation. Great job. I hope you feel awesome about yourself right now.”

“You were all over me in the bar. It’s not like I begged you to come. Get over yourself.”

Jordan seethed with anger. She pulled her hood lower over her face.

Ivan the Terabus, a huge orange bus on massive tires, pulled up. Jordan didn't want to leave. She didn’t want this to be the official end to her time there. She’d made so many stupid mistakes, and Ivan the Terabus had pulled up, letting her know there was no time left to make any of it right. This was it. She looked around. Noah was watching her as he waited by the cargo building. She walked over to him.

“What were you guys talking about?” asked Noah.

“Stupid stuff,” said Jordan. “Are you ready?”

“Another shuttle will come after this one. I’m gonna wait for that one.”

“Mind if I wait with you?”

“Not at all.”

Jordan watched Red board the bus. Despite the cold hatred she felt for him she wanted nothing more than for him to turn and look at her. Her eyes bore into his back, but he boarded without hesitation. Once inside she saw him sit in the back by the window. He looked out, his eyes resting on her for a second. For that second her hatred was replaced by the deep longing to have his approval again. He looked away, his face expressionless. He couldn't care less about her.

Jordan hunched forward.

“Hey,” said Noah. “Hey. Forget him. He’s a d********g.”

“I’ve been thinking of going to Bali,” she said. She continued to stare at the bus as it drove away. “I have a feeling some time alone in Asia is what I need. I came here to be alone, and I messed it up. But it’s never too late to change, right?”

“You don’t have to be alone. You just have to stop being with dumb asses.”

Jordan turned to look at Noah. She was surprised by the look he was giving her. It was the way he had looked at her in the bar, after he kissed her. Lusty, and longing. Except this time he wasn’t drunk. Her cheeks burned red and she touched her gloves to them.

Jordan picked up her bag. Another shuttled pulled up. They boarded, Jordan and Noah squished side by side in the back.

“Do you want to room together in Christchurch?” asked Noah.

“Just as friends?” asked Jordan.

“Just as friends,” said Noah.

Those were the three words Jordan had wanted to hear. She had declared moments ago her intentions to be single. For real single. Not the kind where she slept with random dudes but was technically single. It still bummed her out that they were still just friends. Oh well. It just wasn’t meant to be.

Noah took off his coat and shoved it down by his feet. He slid his arm around Jordan. He wrapped his other arm around her, and held her tight for a moment. She got a strange feeling that this wasn’t it for them.

“Where will you go from Christchurch?” asked Jordan.

“Straight home. Got the sister’s wedding and all. I figure it’ll make it easier on everyone if I get back a week early.”

“Right. Gotcha.”

“And you’re going straight to Bali?”

“Sydney first, actually. It’s been my dream in life to see the Opera house.”

“I’ll miss you.”

“Don’t talk like we’re already parting ways. We’ll have fun together in Christchurch.”

“I’ll still miss you.”