Messy Me Sitting in the Front Seat

a thought or two on who is more real to God

I am reading a book called Messy Spirituality and I can't read one paragraph without something jumping out at me.  I'm taking notes, but I think I am just copying the book.  It makes the point, in a hundred different ways, that real spirituality is messy.  We, and by we I mean everybody, battles with their spirituality if they are truly seeking God and not just going through the motions.  A lot of christians just go through the motions.  They know what they know, go to church, and that's all they need.  They are shallow.  God told me that he doesn't need me to be another shallow christian.  That's what I have been for the last twenty years.  Throwing out prayers only when I am desperate and then getting disappointed if it's not God's will to answer them.  Tuning out God when he talked to me about charity, forgiveness, compassion, mercy.  Telling people "God bless you" but letting the words fall from my mouth instead of my heart.  What's worse is telling people that I would pray for them and forgetting them and their problems within five minutes.  Riding my christianity like that itty bitty roller coaster at the fair.  You know the one that has just one or two little turns in it, but is just safe and boring and for four year olds.  But in the last six weeks, I started a new church and have been transformed into a ridiculous christian.  I am praying.  I am singing.  I am seeking the Truth and it's a messy, emotional, dangerous giant roller coaster of a ride and I want to sit in the front seat!  I want to grow.  I want to challenge what I think I know and what others know. Today, for the very first time, I realized (or I admitted to myself because I always knew) that I have been a miserable shallow christian judging everyone including my own broken alcoholic mother from the little pedestal of righteousness that I had the nerve to perch upon.  God told me today that the awesome reality was that my broken disaster of a mom was the real christian.  She had a messy spirituality and she never stopped trying to find the Truth.  I sat back on my pedestal and thought that I was better because I could be shelved, nice and neat, like all the other christians I knew.  My mom lived in extremes.  I lived on my little pedestal-safe.  The reality is that both of us were broken and incomplete in God's eyes, loved exactly the same.  Who disappointed Him the most?  me.   From now on, God, I promise to be real.  I promise to be messy me with passion, urgency, honesty, anger, joy, sorrow, and a ridiculous determination to find the Truth from the front seat not a shallow pedestal. 

Reviews

[Mark]

A most thought-provoking work, Melissa. I too have been the victim of an alcoholic parent (now deceased), in an emotional and a physical vein. But we must never lose sight of our Lord's will, the pain and frustration caused us on the way notwithstanding. After all, He never promised us pleasure in our flesh, while here, but only pleasure in the After-awhile, and then only if we leave the concerns of the flesh by the wayside. But analogizing a spiritual walk with two different roller coasters, one easy (hence unrewarding) and the other, by turns, exhilerating and terrifying (hence, "Let's do that AGAIN!!") is a novel way of looking at the issue. You might want to look at my parables, "Parable One: The Angry Mountain", and "Parable Two: The Audition" to get my views on this life-walk we must all endure, hopefully to His glory.

[Sunny Lea]

Also, I wanted to comment on who is real to God. I believe some people hide things better than others but God still knows what is in your soul no matter who you are or who you have been. Of course it is easier to make everything fit nice and neat, and not let everyone see you as you really are, but when you let God in then you can begin to be real. Most of us are broken and incomplete, we just have different ways of showing it, but God still knows and loves us anyway like you said. Continue your messiness.

[Sunny Lea]

You have to be messy in order to grow and you said it well. I like your roller coaster analogy. I can relate to your search for the Truth as I struggle with it and have so many questions. But that is also pleasing because God wants questions and he wants us to communicate how it REALLY is rather than try to take it all in on our own. So you are on a spiritual path and it is exciting and maybe even a little daring. However, don't sell yourself short for the past because that is all forgiven and this is a new day. Remember the Truth shall set you free.

[Jana Greene]

Oh, Melissa...she really did (and does) love you the very best she could. Maybe she drank because she was always disapointed in herself , knowing you deserved the best and always feeling as if she missed the mark. And just kept missing it. Or at least thats one reason THIS alcoholic drank. Be free, my friend! She loves you now with that total purity of love that she wanted to give you growing up! And yes...so far as I can tell, all genuine and raw spirituality IS MESSY, SISTER! And I think Jesus just loves it.