2.

"Hey Emmy!"

Gavin's sing-song voice from across the apartment. I knew he wanted me to come tell him the ant story. He only called me like that when he wanted to hear it again.

My body wouldn't pick itself up, though. The kitchen table was cool under my cheek. It was easier stay slumped over than drag myself to our room. Even if I managed to get that far, I was sure I wouldn't be able to be as animated as usual.

"Emmy!"

Yes, Gavin, I thought, I'm in here. You've heard the story so many times; you know it by heart. Come tell it to me instead.

"Emmy?"

His small hands rest on my knee. I wanted to smile but my lips didn't move. I wanted to hug him close to me, but I couldn't reach out.

"Hey, Emmy?" He rested his head on my knee. "Emmy, I found an ant."

Nothing felt like it was in working order except my lungs. They didn't like the way the air around me was heavier than syrup. Was Gavin sucking up all the oxygen? I needed a clean drag of air, but no matter how many times I tried sucking in a breath, it didn't feel like enough.

My heart started hammering away, too, more concerned about not being able to really breathe than my brain was.

"Emiline?" Not Gavin's voice. Mom? Bianca? "Sweetie, what's the matter?" Yup, Bianca.

When did she come home? Wasn't she at the hospital with mom?

S**t, were they releasing her today?

That was enough to wake me from the stupor. I flung myself out of the chair and across the small space of our apartment, into the bedroom Gavin and I shared, doing my best not to slam the door.

Lucky for me, I didn't break my neck when I flung myself onto the top bunk.

I heard mom come through the door a few minutes later. "Where are my sweet babies?"

Oh god, I thought, she's higher than a f*****g kite.

There was some banging around; Bianca shouted "Mother!"

Below me, a little nose sniffled. "Emmy?"

I hung my head over the edge of the bed, found a teary-eyed Gavin gazing up at me. "Will you tell me the ant story?"

His puppy-dog eyes got the better of me, I swung down to his bunk, collected him into my lap, and wiped the tears from his cheeks.

In the quietest, most theatrical voice I could manage, I began the silly story. "So BiBi and me were playing tag..."

Beyond the door, Bianca and our mother had the loudest shouting match to date.

Author's Note

I've been playing with this section a lot trying to get it just right.
Comments, critiques, etc., are welcome.
Please keep in mind that this part is still under construction, though.

Reviews

[Eleanor A. Bennett]

"Gavin's sing-song voice from across the apartment. I knew he wanted me to come tell him the ant story. He only called me like that when he wanted the story." Story..story. Too many stories in two sentences. Change it to be like, "He only called me like that when he wanted me to tell it again." Or something different.

"My body wouldn't pick itself up, though. The kitchen table was cool under my cheek. It was easier to keep my body slumped over the table than get up." Saying "my body" and "up" twice each in a short paragraph is a bit too much of the same words for one segment. Try breaking it up and using different words to express her exhaustion.

"Yes, Gavin, I'm here. You know the story. Here, come tell it to me instead. I couldn't even make my voice work to tell him." I guess rephrasing this would make it a little better flowing. Like: "Yes, Gavin, I thought sullenly, I'm here. You know the story. I've told it to you a million times." Or something.

"The heard the scritch of the chair as he climbed up onto it." Edit.

"If my facial muscles have been feeling up to it, I would have smiled." Say, "I couldn't even smile. I tried, but I couldn't do it." I want to feel her exhaustion, not think of her facial muscles.

"I couldn't tell stories in such a condition." Cut it. Say, "I couldn't tell stories. Not now."

"I gave up on the uneaten cereal and dumped it in the sink. I sat back in the chair, hanging my head over the table and letting the tears drip onto the dirty table top.

I tried to actively focus on counting, but the way the numbers leaked in and out of my thoughts made me uneasy."

Use sentence structure variety here. You keep starting your sentences with "I, I, I." If we read, "I," too many times, then it's just going to tire your reader out.

"So far it had been one week. One hundred sixty-fours hours. Ten thousand and eighty minutes...." I feel that this whole part should have been placed in the part with the funeral. This information would have given more clarity and a more raw feeling to your character.

[leenalettingitout]

Thank you.
I've been having a tough time with this chapter. If you would have read it right after I published it instead of when you did read and review it, you'd have seen how completely it's been changed. I'm still working on it, and I will definitely incorporate your suggestions in.

[Eleanor A. Bennett]

Awesome! I look forward to the edited version!