0.

"I haven't seen Nettie in a while, why hasn't she been around?"

Even lying in a hospital bed, she still managed to make my blood boil. The humming and beeping of all the machines she was hooked up to didn't help either.

"Road trip," I mumbled, regretting ever deciding to be the good daughter and who visited her mother in the hospital. I think Bianca was tired of watching our mom nod her head at the doctors giving her therapy for the chronic pill popping.

"With Kestler, right?" she sneered. 

I didn't look at her, didn't want her to see my blinking at tears; instead I focused ground, counting away my annoyance.

"Of course, mother." Fifty-three, fifty-four, fifty-five...

"It's been about a week, hasn't it?"

My fingers twitched, I folded them in my lap. "Two weeks, actually." Sixty-two, sixty-three, sixty-four...

"Have you talked?"

I could picture my older sister telling me that if I ever punched a hole in the wall at home and bugs crawled out she would never speak to me again. Bianca wasn't at the hospital now, though. Besides, hospitals were too clean and pristine to have bugs in the walls. Right?

"Not since she left, mother." Seventy-nine, eighty, eighty-one...

"Oh, that's too bad."

Eighty-seven. Eighty-eight. Eighty-nine. Ninety... Nettie, please come home a day early...

Mother continued on. "Wait, don't you both have cell phones? Couldn't you talk with those?"

My jaw was clenched, I spoke through my teeth. "Kestler insisted on leaving electronics at home." One hundred and one...

"No communication? Not even with her parents?" She already knew the answers to all of these questions. I started clenching and unclenching my hands with the numbers.

She didn't wait for my answer."I mean, that's too bad, really. You used to be so close."

My head snapped up. I stormed toward the door, flung it open and slammed it shut.

One or two staff members gave me the side eye, but other than that I was ignored.

I sunk down against the wall, knees close to my chest. The numbers leaked away, leaving me empty.

"Excuse me, but are you Ms. Rylie's daughter?"

I looked up. Most of the staff knew my family pretty well. Trips to the ER pretty frequent in my family.

I looked up and nodded before I realized how that was.

He gave me a small smile when I stood up, but something in his eyes tainted it.

"You're Emiline, right?"

I nodded, eyebrow raised.

Were it not for the weird look he was given me, this- orderly? nurse? doctor? don't people wear name tags anymore?- would actually be kind of attractive in a wind-blown-hair-pretty-boy sort of way.

"Dr. Marcy saw you come in when she was making her rounds." The weird look turned sympathetic. "I don't know what's going on, but she asked me to come get you, could you come with me?"

"Uh, sure." He turned on his heel and started off; his quick pace made me question his denial of knowledge.

I stopped dead when the realization hit me. Dr. Marcy did emergency procedures. Was my sister okay? Please don't let something be wrong with her, the paperwork just got processed.

I broke into a jog to catch up. "It isn't my sister, is it?"

"No, not her."  He sped up, I struggled to keep up. "But someone being moved to ICU is asking for you."

Author's Note

**Please note, this is very much a developing story. I'm still working on it and (minor) details may change or be expanded upon.

**I always appreciate critiques, criticisms, comments, etc. Go ahead and point out my spelling errors and/or details not adding up or whatever else you feel necessary.

Reviews

[Eleanor A. Bennett]

"I nearly punched my mother in the face" isn't necessary here. You already have the following to express how your main character feels: "Even lying in a hospital bed, she still managed to make my blood boil. The humming and beeping of all the machines she was hooked up to didn't help either."

If you start out with your character being so violent in the beginning, she may seem a little to abrasive to relate to for your readers. I loved the rest of the paragraph though. The part of her boiling blood shows instead of tells.

"...regretting ever deciding to be the good daughter and who visited her wretched mother while they tried to figure out what combination of pills she had ODed on this time and ways to treat her chronic pill-popping." Very strong words. I feel that your character is hitting me over with a brick to beat it in me that she clearly does not like her mother. Maybe taking out "wretched" would be better. Let the reader be the judge of character.

""With Kestler, right?" I could hear the taunting in her voice." Use sneered. It's more direct and uses less words which makes it reader friendly.

The thing with the numbers is unique. I can appreciate that.

"I could almost hear the deep, demonic voice under her pathetically fake sympathy." This is way too heavy. I already get that she hates her mother. What I don't get is why your character feels so unapproachable to me. Her hatred for her mother is a bit off putting. I want to feel for her, not pity or look down upon her. I want a character I can root for.

"My hands clenched into tight fists in my lap." This is what I'm talking about. You are showing us how uncomfortable she is to be there rather than telling us how much she dislikes her mother. Use more actions to show me what you mean!

"I could picture my older sister telling me that if I ever punched a hole in the wall at home and bugs crawled out she would never speak to me again. Bianca wasn't at the hospital now, though. Besides, hospitals were too clean and pristine to have bugs in the walls. Right?"

Okay. I understand the humor you are trying to portray. But as of this moment, I feel the main character is filled with too much hatred to be cracking jokes. Maybe introduce the humor a bit earlier. I like it and would enjoy more of it.

"Eighty-seven, don't punch the wall. Eighty-eight, don't punch the wall. Eighty-nine, don't punch the wall. Ninety... Nettie, please come home a day early..." Yes. This is good.

"From what I could tell, she was just hoping I would do something to get in trouble with the hospital staff, like screaming. Or punch a wall. Or take a woman off of machines that she probably needed to live." Too much anger. It is blocking me from connecting with your character.

"I'm sure the air around me was vibrating with the intensity of my fury." Delete this. The reader could be overwhelmed by such strong emotions!

"My head snapped up. I shot my mother with every invisible dagger my eyes could throw before storming toward the door. I reached for the knob so I could slam the door, but before I could wrap my hand around it a man wearing ugly green scrubs appeared in front of me." No. I want something different here. Make it so she just snaps and doesn't glare at her mother. She isn't even worth the anger--is this a fed up moment? Make it so. Make her so fed up that she has no choice to leave. Love the storming toward the door, but do not send the invisible daggers. We already have this person wanting to punch walls. No more violence.


"All the anger I felt toward my mother became acid in my words toward this stranger. I almost felt bad for not holding my tongue. Almost." Say it with her actions! "Spat." "Shouted." "Blurted." Anything.

"He turned on his heel and started down the hallway. I hurried after him. He spoke over his shoulder, "Dr. Marcy saw you come in when she was making her rounds. She asked me to fetch you as soon as possible."" So much drama, so fast. We go from one emotion to the next. I'm getting whiplash.

Give your character (and your reader) a moment to breathe. Have Emiline (am I spelling that right?) lean against the closed door and take a few deep breaths. Have her hold back her tears as she stares at the ceiling. I want another emotion other than anger to transition from. After she calms herself down, have the doctor approach her.

"Something was wrong. Bianca, maybe?" Good. Have her heart pound. Make her worried.

Overall, great job! I hope this was helpful (you did tell me to critique, haha). It's a good start!

[leenalettingitout]

Oh-my-gosh THANK YOU so much. This is ****EXACTY**** what I was hoping for. You are excellent.
This is seriously exactly what I wanted. I knew she was a bit too angry, but you grabbed the top of my head and turned my face toward everything I could do to make her less, as you said, unapproachable. I hope my edits will fix that.

[Eleanor A. Bennett]

Okay, good! I love the story so far and I can't wait to read some more tomorrow (I'm, like, super tired), but I want to continue reading your stuff!

[leenalettingitout]

Thank you! I'm probably going to do major editing for the next few days on chapter 2, but 3 I probably won't touch very much without being told I need to. I appreciate it a lot:)

[Eleanor A. Bennett]

Cool stuff. I'll take a look at chapter 3 today!